:: W/B parallel - lack of
love/fear of abandonment? ::
(Very
Long - due to reproduction of dialogue for emphasis)
Written By
ShadowKat
First I want to thank
Linda DeLurker who's Willow Post inspired me and the Board Mama (Angelx) for
allowing this long post and for all her hard work. This does include spoilers
and spoiler speculation.
*WARNING - SPOILERY FOR EPISODES UP TO NORMAL AGAIN*
Also some
speculation regarding Willow and Buffy.
Since Linda's post and those who responded really covered Willow, I'm going to
focus on the Buffy side of this parallel. Using Willow for comparison purposes
only.
Belle's response to Linda Delurker's post made me start thinking last night and
I realized that Linda and I had only touched the tip of the ice berg. It's not
just about how Buffy and Willow are coping, it's about why. Linda demonstrates
how Willow is coping with problems through magic, she uses magic to erase
mistakes, change things back to how they used to be, but nothing can truly
revert back, you can't erase mistakes or memories. You have to deal. She also
uses magic to hide. Then Belle adds to this and hits Willow's insecurity on the
head: "Willow doesn't believe she's ever truly loved, no matter how much
evidence to the contrary." She goes on to state: "She didn't know whether Tara
loved her….If you don't believe you're truly loved (when that isn't the case),
then in fact the reverse is true - you're not capable of truly loving anyone
else (or yourself either). Because you're not allowing yourself to be seen."
(Sorry for paraphrasing) This is an amazing point. But how does it relate to
Buffy, who the writers are paralleling to Willow?
Buffy does have love and does, I think, believe she's been truly loved. That's
not the insecurity. No it's slightly different. Buffy's fears and insecurities
are rooted in abandonment, being left, being rejected, having those she loves
and who state that they love her - leave. Particularly men. Buffy is afraid to
give love, afraid to risk it, afraid that if she does, they will leave her. They
always have in the past. Why should it change now?
Let's explore this in a bit more depth.
Who has left Buffy? And What do they all have in Common?
1. Hank Summers (Buffy's father) - he is sort of still around in Season 1,
barely mentioned in Season 2, and completely gone by Season 5.
2. Angel - (old enough to be her ancestor) - he leaves Buffy three to four times
before finally leaving for good. She announces that he is "GONE" in Wrecked.
3. Riley - (at least 5-6 years older, though never made completely clear except
we know he's not a student, a solider, and been around for a while when we meet
him) - he gives Buff an ultimatium, leaves, doesn't ever call, plops in with his
wife to get her help, then takes off again. She announces he is "GONE" at the
end of AYW.
4. Joyce Summers - Died. (I know not a guy, but still important.)
5. Giles - (old enough to be her father, acts as de facto father figure and
guide) left at the end of Tabula Rasa. Reason - for her own good.
And of course there are the countless normal guys she dated and couldn't stay
with. But I'll get to them later.
Isn't it interesting that all of Buffy's long term boyfriends are older than
her? It occurred to me the other day that she has a thing for older men. Poor
Xander can't compete - he's not old enough. Think about it:
1. Angel - 243 years of age. Even before she knew he was a vampire, she knew he
was older. He states in the episode Angel: "We shouldn't do this - I'm quite a
bit older than you." She introduces him to her Mom as a Community College
Student helping her with her homework. And Angel often acts as a father figure.
2. Riley - not sure, but I'd say it's a safe bet he's at least 5-6 years older.
We learn he's just posing as a student in The Initative. Later, it's made clear
that he's been in the military for quite a while and is at the rank of
Lietuenant. Riley, while acting less like her father, does tend to exhibit an
older almost more protective air. He protects her at different points in Season
4 or tries to. And it is Giles and Riley who go into Dracula's castle to save
her.
3. Spike (will go into him more later, he's a bit different and I'm not
completely sure how she feels towards him.) Is 128 years older than her (126 in
1999 - see The Initiative). Clearly another older man.
Why? Does Buffy have a father fetish? Stop shadowkat! No Freud! UGH!
Possibly…but that's not what interests me. What interests me is the abandonment
fear, the fear of loss, and the need to feel cherished, loved, protected,
safe…guided, and understood. We all feel that. And we all fear we'll either
never obtain it or once we do, it'll be lost.
Let's talk about Hank Summers - the deadbeat dad.
Way back in Nightmares, Season 1, we start to learn exactly what Buffy's
relationship is with her dad.
Willow: So, do you see your dad a lot?
Buffy: Not a whole lot.
Buffy: He's still in L.A. He, like, comes down for weekends sometimes.
Willow: When did they get divorced?
Buffy: Well, it wasn't finalized till last year, but they were separated
before that.
Willow: Musta been harsh.
Buffy: Yeah, that's the word you're looking for. I-I mean, they were really
good about it around me, anyway, but still...
Willow: My parents don't even bicker. Sometimes they glare. Do you know why
your folks split up?
Buffy: I didn't ask. They just stopped getting along. I'm sure I was a really
big help, though, with all the slaying and everything. I was in so much
trouble. I was a big mess.
Nightmares is the episode where a little boy manifests everyone's deepest and
darkest Nightmares. In this episode we get to see what scares our characters
the most. Here's one of Buffy's nightmares:
Hank: I came early because there's something I've needed to tell you. About
your mother and me. Why we split up.
Buffy: Well, you always told me it was because...
Hank: Uh, I know we always said it was because we'd just grown too far apart.
Buffy: Yeah, isn't that true?
Hank: Well, c'mon, honey, let's, let's sit down. (they sit) (exhales) You're
old enough now to know the truth.
Buffy: Is there someone else?
Hank: No. No, it was nothing like that.
Buffy: Then what was it?
Hank: It was you.
Buffy: Me?
Hank: Having you. Raising you. Seeing you everyday. I mean, do you have any
idea what that's like?
Buffy: What?
Hank: Gosh, you don't even see what's right in front of your face, do you?
Well, big surprise there, all you ever think about is yourself. You get in
trouble. You embarrass us with all the crazy stunts you pull, and do I have to
go on?
Buffy: No. Please don't.
Hank: You're sullen and... rude and... you're not nearly as bright as I thought
you were going to be... Hey, Buffy, let's be honest. Could you stand to live in
the same house with a daughter like that?
Interesting scene. Even though it's just a nightmare, or is it? Do we really
ever see Hank Summers again? In another episode Buffy tells Willow how he
usually takes her to the Ice Capades every year on her birthday. But this has
apparently stopped. But What's especially interesting is in the nightmare -
Buffy is blaming herself. She's to blame for him leaving. He couldn't stand her.
It was all Buffy's fault. She's has turned the rage and anger she feels towards
her father inwards.
Now let's compare Hank Summer's leaving to Riley and Angel. There are very
interesting parallels that can be drawn here:
Buffy's relationship with Angel in some ways parallel's her relationship with
her father. In What's My Line, Angel takes Buffy ice skating. She tells Angel
that "My parents were fighting all the time, skating was an escape. I felt
safe." The only other person who did that was Hank Summers. And Buffy is afraid
of losing Angel, very afraid. All through Surprise, she is tormented by
nightmares of Drusilla killing Angel. So what happens? She gives herself to him
intimately. And the next morning he's gone. (Another interesting comparison with
Buffy's boyfriends - Angel and Riley both leave the morning after the first
coupling. Angel - loses his soul. Riley must return to Professor Walsh and The
Initiative). And what does Angel tell Buffy when she finds him?
Buffy: Ohhh. Oh, my God! (hugs him again) I was freaking out! You just
disappeared.
Angelus: What? I took off. (goes to his bed for the shirt)
Buffy: (confused) But you didn't say anything. You just left.
Angelus: (pulls on the shirt) Yeah. Like I really wanted to stick around after
that.
Later Jenny Calendar, a descendant of the family that cursed Angel admits that
Buffy did do it, that she was responsible for his loss.
Poor Buffy can't win. No matter what she does she loses that which she loves.
Let's keep going with the boyfriends. In Harsh Light Of Day - the first guy
Buffy falls for after a soulful Angel leaves her for her and his own good -
rejects her after she sleeps with him.
As Buffy askes Willow in Harsh Light Of Day: "So what I'm wondering is, does
this always happen? Sleep with a guy and he goes all evil?… And why doesn't he
want me? Am I repulsive? If there was something repulsive about me, you would
tell me right?" (paraphrased for length)
Buffy is beginning to wonder why people leave. Is it her? It must be right?
Let's move onto Riley, whom Buffy describes on more than one occasion as her
dependable, normal guy. The long-haul guy. The one who won't leave. Until Into
the Woods.
RILEY: They want me back, Buffy ... the military. (Buffy looks up in shock) It's
deep undercover, no contact with civilians. Transport's leaving tonight.
BUFFY: Tonight? When were you gonna tell me about this?
RILEY: I'm telling you now.
BUFFY: Are you going?
RILEY: I don't know. If we can't work this out...
BUFFY: Then what? This is goodbye? (Riley shrugs. Buffy gets mad.) You are
unbelievable. You're giving me an ultimatum?
RILEY: No, I'm not.
BUFFY: Yes you are! You expect me to get over it now or you're gone!
RILEY: I don't, Buffy, that's not what I meant.
BUFFY: Well, I have heard enough. (angrily) I will not take the blame for this.
(Starts to walk away.)
And of course Riley leaves. He gives her an ultimatium, but she can't follow
through. She doesn't get there in time to stop him. Instead we see her running
helplessly after his helicopter hoping he'll look back and see her, but he never
does. He's gone. Does she blame herself? You betcha. In the very next episode,
Triangle, Buffy has this conversation with her sister:
BUFFY: It hurts. In all kinds of horrible ways. In the way where I'm furious at
him ... in the way where I blame myself ... and all the little ways I imagine
... how I could have fixed things.
DAWN: It'll get better. (Frowns) Won't it?
BUFFY: I hope so. Yes. It has to. (Dawn lies down, puts her head in Buffy's lap.
Buffy strokes her hair) I'll just keep going like I have been, and every day
it'll get a little bit better.
DAWN: Really? Every day?
BUFFY: Not really. But it'll be better soon.
DAWN: It still feels all sudden to me. With him gone where no one can talk to
him.
BUFFY: But you never know. Maybe he'll come back. Maybe he'll hate the jungle
... or maybe he'll want to give it another try. I could ... say all the things I
didn't get to say.
But when he comes back, he doesn't want to hear it. It's too late. A year later,
that's all it took, a year, he got over her and married Sam and lived happily
ever after. This is the scene Buffy has with Sam from AS YOU WERE, it's the
only time she gets to tell someone that she didn't let Riley go. But Sam doesn't
hear her and tells her that it took a year - like a year is a long time.
BUFFY: He thinks ... I let him go.
SAM: (stops) Do you wish you hadn't.
BUFFY: (softly) I wish things were different. I-I'm not trying to ... I don't
... uh, you know. (resumes walking)
SAM: I didn't mean to put you on the spot, Buffy. There's no bad guys in this
one. The only thing that could ... help Riley work it out was time. Lots of
time. Took him a year to get over you.
BUFFY: I'm glad he's over me.
Is she glad? I doubt it. Buffy's boyfriends seem to get over her pretty quick.
Angel barely mourned her death and has moved onto Cordy, while Buffy will love
Angel forever. Is she doomed to be left? Is it any wonder that she leaves Sam to
go to Spike? And what does she ask of Spike? She wants him to tell her that
she's important. That he loves her. Not just tell her. Show her. And better yet,
demand nothing in return. She doesn't have to show him. She doesn't have to risk
her heart again. Because it's painful to be left. Even more painful when you
believe they are abandoning you because of something you did. Buffy must feel a
great deal of rage. Rage at Riley for leaving without a backward glance. Rage at
her father. Rage at Angel. Rage at Parker and all the other normal boys who
couldn't handle her. But it's not done, someone else is about to go. Someone
she's counted on from the get go. Giles. This is the scene they have at the
beginning of Tabula Rasa:
GILES: You have to be strong. I'm, I'm trying to-
BUFFY: (jumps up) Trying to, to what? (angrily) Desert me? Abandon me? Leave me
all alone when I really need somebody?
GILES: (quietly) I don't want to leave-
BUFFY: So don't. Please don't.
But he does at the end of the episode.
(Song Goodbye To YOU) The one thing that I tried to hold on to .Cut to Giles on
the plane. Cut to the Bronze. Pan across various couples walking around, holding
hands, talking, etc. Goodbye to you .
And who does she go to for comfort? Spike. Why? Because he demands nothing in
return. She can throw her pain, her rage, her need onto him and he can take it
and does. She doesn't have to love him. He's not real to her. He's a thing. And
if she doesn't love him, if he's not real, he can't leave, he can't abandon her,
he can't hurt her. Or can he? Or is there something else going on here? Has
Buffy's self esteem sunk so low that she now believes Spike's the only one who
can show her love? (No flames please B/Ser's - I'm one too.) Or - has Buffy shut
herself down, is she pulling all that rage and pain inwards? Terrified to let it
out? Because of all her responsibilities which are beginning to way her down?
Let's go back to the worst of the leavings - the death of her mother - when
Buffy was suddenly hit with the fact that she had to be the adult. Had to take
care of Dawn - who I still believe represents Buffy's inner child, Buffy's
responsibilities, and Buffy's insecurities which have never been addressed - but
I digress.
Scene at the end of Forever:
DAWN: Nobody's asking you to be Mom.
BUFFY: Well, who's gonna be if I'm not? Huh, Dawn? Have you even thought about
that? Who's gonna make things better? (crying harder) Who's gonna take care of
us?
Indeed, who is? Joyce had provided Buffy a safe haven. When the men left, Joyce
was always there. Now she's gone. And Buffy suddenly feels horribly alone.
I've always sensed that the writers are using Dawn in a metaphorical way. She is
Buffy's inner child. Her annoying whines and screams and stealing represent
Buffy's cries to be heard. Buffy's rage. Buffy's avoidance of her own pain. But
perhaps I'm overanlyazing and this is getting long.
At any rate - I think Older and Far Away is not just about Dawn's fear of
everyone leaving. I think the writer's are once again using Dawn to give us
another glimpse of what's going on inside Buffy. Buffy isn't a chatter or a
whiner, she doesn't tell us how she feels, she bottles it up inside until it
comes crashing out with fists and flying feet. This rage she has deep inside
herself must be taking its toll. The only person she's shown it too, up till
Normal Again, was Spike. As Spike has stated - he's safe. She's not afraid of
his rejection. His dead to her. So she can tell him what she feels. She can
punch him. She can throw her rage onto him. He even begs her to do it at the end
of Dead Things. But it's still there and so is the fear.
Let's look at Older and Far Away a bit closer. It's an interesting episode and
misleading because on the surface it appears to focus on Dawn's fears of
abandonment. I don't think the episode is really about Dawn.
I know this is getting longish but bear with me. First Older and Far Away is a
line taken from the novel Empire of the Sun by JG Ballard, made into a film by
Spielberg. In the novel, a young British boy loses his parents in Shanghai
during WWII, unable to find them, he is forced to fend for himself first in
Shanghai then in a Japanese internment camp. He is not reunited with them until
many years later and at that point, they are older and far away - he can no
longer relate to them and he feels alone. Who fits this description in BvTS?
Dawn? Look again - it's Buffy. In the beginning of the episode, Buffy kills a
demon who later is released into her house. How does this demon attack people
and more important who does it attack? It floats in and out of the walls,
slashing at people. It attacks Xander, Red Shirt Richard, and Spike. The only
men, (not counting Clem) in the house. All three have established a relationship
with Buffy. All three state that they have to leave the house: Xander and
Richard to work and Spike because there are other things he'd rather be doing.
Buffy brought the demon into the house by taking the sword. It's Buffy's anger
jumping out of those walls, unable to be completely contained, it's jumping out
at intervals and it is attacking those who in Buffy's subconscious represent :
Father (Xander - who is later compared to Hank in Normal Again), Immortal Lover
(Spike - who is similar to Angel), and Normal Guy (Red Shirt Richard -Parker,
Riley, etc.) . All three are the only ones who get injured. Spike is still
sporting a black eye from Buffy. Xander gets his arm ripped open. Red Shirt
Richard gets slashed across the chest. The demon is reminiscent of Buffy's
rage. ME has told us all along that demons are metaphors for the characters
emotions. If this was about Dawn - why weren't Buffy, Willow and Anya slashed?
Another tidbit I'd like to throw out. Dawn's conversation with the guidance
counselor. Is this just Dawn's wish? Or is Dawn echoing Buffy? Is Dawn
representing Buffy's true desires?
GUIDANCE COUNSELOR: I know there's been ... a lot of loss.
DAWN: (quietly) Yeah. Kinda. (looks up) I-I mean, yes. People keep ... people
have a tendency to go away ... and, I miss them. And sometimes ... I wish I
could just make them stop. Going away.
A hence the wish. What does Dawn say when everyone is upset about not being able
to leave? "Sure. Of course you all wanna leave. 'Cause being stuck in here with
me, that would really suck, right?"
Does this remind you of anyone else? Lord the rage. Dawn whines constantly. Is
so annoying we want to hit her and yet Buffy says nothing. Never appears to
complain. The only sign of pain we see is on her face and how she behaves with
Spike and of course the pain she inflicts on her friends in Normal Again.
Long ago in The Gift, Buffy herself tells the gang that Dawn is her. "She's me.
The monks made her out of me. I hold her ... and I feel closer to her than ...
(looks down, sighs) It's not just the memories they built. It's physical. Dawn
... is a part of me. The only part that I-"
And that part is screaming out, over and over. Demanding to be heard. How long
can Buffy afford to ignore it? How long can the other characters? She's
shutting herself off, trying not to feel, trying not to hurt. She's been doing
it since her mother died, since Angel left, since Hank walked out that door
never to return. She doesn't trust her friends, her sister (self), Spike, to not
leave her, to not abandon her. She says as much in Normal Again - when she tries
to tell Willow that her parents had abandoned her in a clinic once for talking
about Vampires. Why should she trust them? Everyone else leaves. And there's
anger there beneath the self-doubt, anger at her friends for not letting her
leave. Everyone else can leave, but why can't she? What did she sing in OMWF? "
But they don't know, when you take a bow, you leave the crowd…" She doesn't want
to die, but she's afraid to live, afraid to feel, afraid to let the rage out,
afraid of being left. And so we go back to what her guide, the first slayer,
says to her in Intervention. This is important - it tells Buffy all she needs to
know to make it through. It tells her that Love brings Pain but it's worth it.
She can't live in fear of it and she can't shut it out, because shutting it
out…shutting down only makes things worse.
FIRST SLAYER: You're afraid that being the Slayer means losing your humanity.
BUFFY: Does it?
FIRST SLAYER: You are full of love. You love with all of your soul. It's
brighter than the fire ... blinding. That's why you pull away from it.
BUFFY: (surprised) I'm full of love? I'm not losing it?
FIRST SLAYER: Only if you reject it. Love is pain, and the Slayer forges
strength from pain. Love ... give ... forgive. Risk the pain. It is your nature.
Buffy needs to find a way of risking the pain and a way of dealing with her
anger. She can't continue to use Spike as her personal punching bag and/or
personal sex slave - she figured that out in As You Were. Nor can she continue
to ignore Dawn, her inner child, she got that in Older and Far Away. And she
can't kill off the friends who brought her back - it won't change anything - she
got that in Normal Again.
The question is can she risk the pain? Can she rebuild her relationships? Trust her friends with her feelings? Or will she continue to keep everything bottled up inside because she's afraid everyone will leave her if she doesn't? The irony is they will certainly leave her if she does. She can't control what they do, really. She can only control herself. It's a lesson both Willow and Buffy need to learn.
Thanks for reading. Sorry it was
so long. Looking forward to your thoughts.
~ Shadowkat