Title: When You Win (24/?)

Title: When You Win (25/?)

The Tracker folded his book under his arm and regarded Xander with a small nod. Before he could comprehend what was happening he and Jenny were descending back down to the water, noticing a small wooden sail boat glide up underneath them.

They landed seated and were immediately on the move. "I actually brought some wave runners…so we could get there faster." Xander pointed out, earning a glare from Jenny.

"Kids," the Tracker addressed her, somewhat good naturedly, "Always in a hurry…"

"You guys don’t seem to understand what’s happening here," Xander argued, interrupting the old man, only to have the tables flipped back on him.

"No you don’t understand," The Tracker adjusted the statement harshly and all humor was lost from his voice, despite the fact that he continued to steer the boat. "You have no idea what you’re running into and once we get there you will wish to the Almighty that you took heed of me. This is not the childish foolishness of your boyhood dealings."

Xander fixed him with a steady glare while Jenny sat silent, watching there surroundings darken with nervous apprehension. Xander looked over the edge of the boat and into the murky gray water. He wondered if it could even still be considered water, at all, as it looked more like sludge or some other kind of sewage soup.

"Tell me, Alexander," The Tracker’s voice entered his realm of consciousness and Xander looked up at him. "Were you proud of your life?"

Xander’s eyes flicked towards Jenny, who was still watching the water and not paying attention to the conversation. "What?" he asked skeptically.

"Your life." The old man reiterated while all three of the boats occupants noticed the water getting choppier. "Were you proud of it?"

"Yes." Xander answered without hesitation. Even though he considered it to have had a dicey start, he had had everything he wanted in his life before he was ripped out of it. He had a great job, friends, a perfect home, and the beginnings of a stable family…Buffy. He had Buffy.

"Good," the Tracker spoke again, "You’re thinking about her now." He grinned, "You need to keep thinking about her if you want to find her here."

Xander nodded and was about to respond when he heard what could only be described as a wail come from outside the boat as it rocked violently form side to side. He grabbed onto the side of the vessel to steady himself as the wailing and moaning grew exponentially louder and more painful and it seemed that thousands, or millions, of others had joined in the chorus.

The Tracker was fighting to keep a steady course while Jenny faced straight ahead, trying to calm her breathing when they started hitting solid objects in the water. Xander made a move to comfort her, but suddenly felt his hand on the side of the boat be caught in a cold wet grip, a sharp tug telling him that it had every intention of trying to pull him overboard. He snatched his hand away hard with wide eyes and propelled himself across the bench to Jenny.

"What is this?!" he yelled over the howls of pain that were flooding the area.

"FOCUS!" the Tracker yelled, without responding to his question. "YOU MUST STAY FOCUSED!"

Xander tried to relax as he looked over the side of the boat again, unable to stop himself, and he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Millions, he guessed, of…people…souls…thrashing in the water, looking deathly pale and clammy, and screaming; drowning in the murky depths and fighting to get to the savior of the tiny wooden vessel.

"They’re going to swamp us!" Jenny yelled, obviously terrified, while maintaining a white knuckle grip on her seat.

Xander saw a hand grip the side next to her and effectively hoist itself up despite her scream of abject horror, and he leapt into action. The boat rocked with his movement, but he leant over her, bashing his fist into the things face until it let go and fell back to the water. Another one tried to climb back up, and was met with the same fate as its brethren.

The screaming was almost unbearable as Xander fought to keep his focus on Buffy. The boat rocked sharply to the right and all thoughts took flight. The Tracker’s weight combined with Xander’s almost capsized the boat, and before it could right itself at least three pairs of powder white, wet arms grabbed at Xander, holding him tight around the waist and arms.

He saw Jenny rush towards him as quickly as she could, but she knew that she wouldn’t get there fact enough. He saw her unleash an unsteady punch to one of the beings face while the Tracker tried to right the boat with no avail. Xander gripped the side of the boat as he was pulled into oblivion, taking his guides with him.

He didn’t know how long he was in the water, as the last thing he registered was the slick wetness seeping through his clothes. He wasn’t even aware if he had even been swimming. All he knew was that he broke the surface, through the grasping sea of hands that were underneath the surface, and saw the shore. That was all that mattered to him at the moment, even replacing his quest for Buffy, if however briefly. He just wanted to get to the shore.

Gone were the tortured drowning souls, replace with the sounds of his own kicking and splashing as he gasped for breath, swimming as hard as he could until he felt the ground beneath his feet. Xander stood up and saw the Tracker beside him doing the same thing, both willing there legs to climb over the rough waves rocking the shore as they waded forward.

Xander watched the older man fall to his knees on the sand, attempting to regain his breath, and Xander turned his head to survey the area. He felt his heart stop. The scene before him reminded him if that God awful movie, that Buffy had watched completely with rapt fascination, "Deep Blue Sea", in that it was jagged metal building frames. The only difference, Xander saw, was all the fire and smoke, and the excessive moaning of the tortured naked souls littering the beach.

Xander laughed to himself. Everybody who had ever loved Buffy was willing to go to Hell for her, or had been sent to Hell by her. But Xander recognized the difference, he watched an explosion off in the distance followed by some more screams; he was one of the ones who would die for her, yes. But, just like Angel, he would walk out of here…and he would do it with her.

He was drawn out of his thoughts by the sound of more splashing behind him and turned to see Jenny clambering towards the shore. He immediately ran back into the water and grabbed her by the forearm, pulling her back to her feet when she stumbled, and dragged her gasping to the beach.

The Tracked ignored Jenny’s plight while she hunched in attempts to regain her breath and Xander stood next to her, rubbing her back.

"It’s of the utmost importance that you focus on her here Alexander," he said while looking at his surroundings. "Hell is a very dangerous place and we are at its threshold."

"I always thought that it was in the old Sunnydale High library." Xander muttered more to Jenny than the older man, and earned himself a labored grin.

"If your thoughts wavier beyond the task once we’re inside you put yourself at risk of insanity. You won’t come back from that." The Tracker continued seriously, "I take it that you still find her worth it?"

Xander didn’t even answer the question, he didn’t have to. He just trudged up the sand towards, what he thought was the gate, carefully, but quickly, jumping out of the way of a charging mob of angry souls that ran by with crude steel weapons.

"I know what I want," he said confidently.

"Good," the Tracker smiled and walked up to stand beside him and Jenny slowly followed. "She’s thinking about you too," he said, "You’ll be a better receiver that way."

Jenny spoke up, but not before swallowing the lump in this throat. "Let’s go get his Buffy back then. How do we get in? Through the gate?" She took off up the dark littered beach towards the first entrance she saw, but Xander hesitated, having focused on something to his left. The group that had passed him was engaging in a sort of battle with, what looked like a far less organized army, easily hacking into them with the steel tools.

"Alexander," the Tracker called to get his attention.

Xander turned and narrowed his eyes. "She shouldn’t be here," he said angrily and got no response.

"Hey guys!" Jenny called, "I found it!" She pointed over a dune and ran towards that direction.

The Tracker followed her as quickly as he could and got over the dune just in time to see where she was headed. "NOOOOO!!! STOP!!!" he yelled over the blood curdling cries.

Jenny slid to a stop just before a group of screaming men with pikes appeared in front of her, daring her to try to get through them. "This is the gate! It’s the way in! We have to try!" she argued as Xander and the elderly guide approached her.

"She’s right," Xander agreed, "We have to try." Xander was sizing up the men and Jenny nodded.

"We go in this way," the Tracker gestured with his head and started walking down the beach. "You two wait for my lead. You do not try to do this on your own." He gave the steady warning, "Never have I ever been exposed to such…"

"Are you picking up anything?" Xander cut him off as he stopped walking.

"No, actually, I’m not." The guide turned to look at him, studying him, but just as suddenly flicking his eyes to Jenny.

"Focus on Buffy, Xan." Jenny whispered from behind him, but Xander maintained his stare with the Tracker.

"You stay here," the old man said suddenly and harshly to Jenny.

She tried to step up in her defense, confused at his decision, but he continued. "You go no further than this. I am advising that you turn around. I won’t take him in with you here."

"And if I don’t take your advice?" Jenny asked defiantly.

"Then you rot here or you forfeit you friend’s chance at his soul mate. You can pick," came the nonchalant response.

Xander jumped into the conversation, "You’re not picking up anything because I’m thinking about someone else." He finished and turned to face his formed teacher. "You died nine years ago, you said."

Jenny nodded.

"I corrected you and said seven. Jenny Calendar died seven years ago."

This time he got a shoulder shrug as a response.

"How can you rush into Hell for someone you’ve only talked to twice?" Xander questioned as he studied her.

"Because you will," she answered as he watched her form change, just as he had done with Tara/Miranda before. Jenny misted over until she was the fifteen year old boy that had died when Xander had first met Buffy. The boy that was the first vampire he had ever killed. The boy that had been his best friend. She misted over until she was Jesse. "Because I’d do it for you," he continued in a new deeper tenor, "Because you love her…and I love you bro."

Xander just watched in wonder at the sight before him before he covered the distance between them in record time and pulled his long lost friend into a hug.

"You’d die for her, man." Jesse continued with a smirk, "You would’ve when we were fifteen…and then…You did die for her."

Xander shook his head, "I’d do it again."

"And I’d die for you. My Buffy connection is a vicarious deal, but I guess you rock-headedness rubbed off in me," he was still smiling.

Xander couldn’t help but chuckle, but then let a sad air fall over him, "How’d you pick Ms. Calendar? You never met her."

Jesse shrugged his shoulders, "Thought you might listen to an authority figure more than your bud. I mean, I’m younger than you now and everything…Plus, you liked her, trusted her. She affected you…"

Xander stayed focused on Jesse’s words, "I wish you got to grow up too, Dude," he said sadly. "You missed a lot of crazy times," he let out a strangled laugh.

"Hey," Jesse interrupted to lighten the mood, "Don’t down death. I’ve been having a ball. And I’ve been checking up on you periodically…Thursday night roll playing- not bad my friend," he joked and Xander’s face reddened through his nervously prideful grin.

"We must go," the Tracker announced, "Our chariot awaits," he gestured to an elevator- like platform that had lowered from the dark nothingness.

Xander nodded and turned back to Jesse.

"Look man," Jesse said quickly, "I can’t do this with you…Flutie always said we were had ADD, "he laughed, and Xander nodded remembering many joint detentions. "And you’ve got to concentrate. You bring her back…"

"You would have liked her," Xander said solemnly.

"Just find her X-man, I might still. I mean, she is still a hottie," he grinned.

"Yeah," Xander agreed, "My wife is." He added while backing towards the platform the Tracker was now standing on and carefully boarding next to him.

"I believe in you Xander. You’ll her back!" he shouted as the platform began to lower, "You bring her back!"

Title: When You Win (26/?)

The elevator jutted to a halt and Xander’s mouth fell open in frightened awe when he saw what was in front of him. The screaming continued to rip through the hollow dark space, but Xander was growing used to it. It wasn’t the noise that caused his stomach to clench and his throat to dry. It was the sight of the masses of pale white faces of people who had died and been damned to this place.

That was it though. It was just the faces that were visible through the caked mud ground, all tilted towards the devoid black nothingness above them as they wailed in torment. He felt the bile rise in his throat that this was the place where Buffy was…the consummate hero who had given and sacrificed everything she had for the sake of the world being condemned to this place.

"We’re here," The Tracker announced as he stepped off the platform, and to Xander’s abject horror, onto the floor of faces.

Xander heard the faces scream under the Tracker’s weight, but he paid them no attention, he simply looked back at him expectantly. The dark haired man took a deep breath and stepped gently off the platform as well, trying to position his steps so that they fell on the small areas of mud between each soul.

"Well…" The Tracker said looking around the area, waiting for his companion to do something.

"She’s here," Xander said determinedly while taking careful steps forward, watching the ground so as not to pass by her. Xander stopped suddenly and looked around, tuning out all of the screams. He could feel her…she was so close his heart clenched and nearly stopped. She was so close.

"Keep focused Alexander." The Tracker called over the screams while he waited by where they had entered.

Xander nodded briefly before he picked a direction, the one he knew Buffy had to be in. He had given up trying to avoid stepping on the faces, there were just to may of them for him to care and get to Buffy as quickly as possible. He was almost running, ignoring the moans of discomfort … "OOOFFFF!!!!!!"

He hit the ground hard and all the air was pushed out of his lungs on impact, but he was quickly on his feet when he opened his eyes to find himself face to face with an elderly woman. "Sorry," he mumbled, wiping his hands on his short in disgust.

"It’s no problem young man," came the surprisingly warm reply that made Xander wonder why this old lady was doomed to rot here. Her voice took on a lost and confused tone next, "I never get any visitors. Have you seen my grand…"

"You should be apologizing to me!" another angry voice called from behind him. Xander turned around with one swift movement and earned some more angry "HEYS!!!" from people he had stepped on to do so. "I’m the one you kicked in the face," the snotty voice spoke again, "I always knew you were an inconsiderate nothing Harris."

Xander’s brow furrowed and he bent over the now recognizable and familiar face, "Snyder?"

"You know who I am," the old principal’s face announced sharply and Xander couldn’t help but laugh in it.

"I always knew you were going to Hell, ya little troll," he grinned, flicking him on the nose before standing up.

"And I always knew you were too lazy to earn salvation," came Snyder’s retort, but Xander ignored him. "I always knew, and dreaded, that you would join me!" the face yelled as it was walked away from, "You’re a failure Harris! A failure!"

Xander was about to turn back around and kick the old man again, but he had gotten no less than five steps from him before he forgot how to breath, not that it mattered all that much. He saw her…her face, tilted up in the mud still surrounded by, now dulled, blonde hair.

"BUFFY!!!" he called and was able to see her eyes widen and catch the shiny tear tracks that cut through the dirt on her pale face.

And he was running, "BUFFY!!!" he called again, closing in on where she was fast, disregarding the complaints of those he was trampling and preparing to drop to his knees and dig her out of the ground; longing to feel her in his arms again, where she belonged.

He ran faster. Faster than he ever thought he could.

He was so close he could almost touch her, closer than he had been to his love personified, his life, his Buffy in what felt like centuries…

And the ground cracked beneath him; opened into a cavernous hole that he had no choice but to fall into. He couldn’t even grab the edge of the fissure that had opened apropos nothing, and he just fell and fell and fell. Xander could feel his body flailing as it flipped like a rag doll into the depths, surprisingly not hitting any of the jagged rocks that were jutting out from every direction.

He couldn’t even find the will to scream, his lungs compressed and felt like they were in his throat. And then he hit the bottom. Xander hit the water below at breakneck speeds and couldn’t help but be thankful that be could barely feel it.

Buffy waited until Xander left he couch before she walked from his bedroom and into the living room. She took a seat at one end of the couch and put her feet up, making sure that she took up a majority of the three cushions before she changed the channel.

She flipped idly as she listened to him move around the small kitchen getting himself something to drink.

Xander stepped out of the kitchen after a moment and stopped dead in his tracks at the scene before him. He narrowed his eyes before he stalked to the couch and offered a sarcastic half smile at her feeble attempt to stretch across the length of the couch. <You’ve got to be kidding me.> he thought as he glanced back at the TV and saw that Buffy had settled on The Deep End of the Ocean, a movie made from an Oprah’s Book of the Week pick, of all ungodly things.

"I was watching that," he nodded back after the TV and refereeing to the basketball game that was in it’s forth quarter.

"Well, I’m watching this," she shot back.

"It’s the Knicks and the Lakers." He said, trying to remain calm, "Turn back."

"You left, I claimed the TV, and I’m watching this."

Xander shut his eyes tightly and sighed. He knew Buffy hated this movie, and that this was some sort of game because she was upset with him, but this was really taking it too far. All because some girl, who wasn’t even that hot, gave him her number at the Bronze when Buffy had been in the bathroom. It’s not like he had asked for it, or it had been found in his pants pocket; it was just sitting forgotten on the table when she had gotten back, and she’d blown up.

"Turn it back please," he said again while moving to take a seat on the remaining empty cushion, only to have Buffy slide further down across the couch. Xander snorted as he lifted up her feet and sat down. Not expecting that Buffy rolled her eyes and sat up more.

"This is ridiculous Buffy. Just change the channel."

Buffy looked him dead in the eyes, "No."

Xander set a matching glare as he heard the channel change after a moment… ‘The Weather Channel’.

"Fine," he huffed out, "You wan to talk about this? You want me to apologize? Fine. I’m sorry Buffy. There. I don’t know why I’m sorry, hell, I don’t even think you know why I should be sorry, but there it is…I’m sorry. Now stop being a child and turn back to the game." <Uh oh> He knew he had crossed a line with that child remark and by the look on her face he knew he was about to hear about it.

"I’m acting like a child?" she retorted, "Hello, Pot. It’s kettle; yeah, you’re black."

"Not quiet," Xander fired back, matching her condescending tone, "I want to talk about what happened, no wait… what didn’t happen, because nothing did."

"You were picking up women while we were in a date. That’s not nothing."

"It is nothing. I didn’t ask her for the number. It’s not like I had her bent over the table,,,"

"Maybe I wasn’t gone long enough."

"How could that be possible? You spend half your life in the bathroom staring at yourself in the mirror."

"Well, one of us should be picture friendly in this relationship, and you never seem to complain about how I look. And God forbid I have to pee."

"Relationship?" Xander’s voice rose to match hers and his eyes were open wide in mock surprise. "This isn’t a relationship. If it were you would trust me enough to know that I wouldn’t cheat on you, and I’d be watching the game instead of having this, the world’s most asinine argument!"

"So now I’m asinine?" Buffy asked steadily, daring him to answer wrong.

"Well, you’re the one watching the Weather Channel, you tell me." He answered instead.

"And this is why you are going to miss the rest of the game." Buffy said as she refocused on the TV.

Xander knew he was about to put his foot in it, but his mouth was open before his brain had time to come up with an ample argument against it, "I wish you would just go home until you’re ready to stop being a bitch and talk about what’s the matter with you like a adult."

Before Xander knew what was happening his remote control was hurled across the room where it cracked the wall when it smashed and broke against it. "GO TO HELL XANDER!" Buffy yelled as she flew off the couch and into his bed room, slamming the door shut behind her.

"I’LL SEE YOU THERE! AFTER YOU PAY ME BACK MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!" he yelled after her as he got up and turned the channel back to the game…

**

Xander broke through the surface gasping for air. The place he was in now wasn’t so much dark as it was gray, and the screaming was gone. "This place is big on water," he mumbled while swimming to the concrete shore to his right.

"You let your thoughts wavier," The Tracker scoffed at him while Xander pulled himself onto the cold platform next to him.

"Sorry," he said looking around and sitting up on the ground, "It was intense up there. Everything just came rushing back to me." Xander explained while taking a deep sad breath.

"What came rushing back?" The Tracker asked concerned while extending his hand to the young man and pulling him to his feet. "You must tell me now and not let it happen again."

Xander shook his head and ran his hands through his hair. "I just…I wanted to hold her," he sounded defeated, "I remembered what it felt like to hold her…and then I thought about this time…" he laughed bitterly, "I thought about this time when we were fighting, and I guess I just lost it." Xander just stared into space for a moment, "I remember holding her on that last morning…when she told me she was…" he laughed again, an angry exhalation.

The Tracker just nodded simply, "Yes, I suppose that would be sufficient enough to make your thought wavier."

Xander kept his eyes downcast and squeezed shut, "What…uh…what happens…happened to…" he almost didn’t want to finish the sentence, he hoped that his companion would understand.

"Your son." The Tracker said as if on cue.

Xander’s head snapped up to eye the elderly man, "I was going to have a son?" Unable to keep his voice from cracking in awe, and he received a nod. "I shouldn’t have let her of let her go into that cave," he mumbled to himself.

"Buffy had only been pregnant for two months," The Tracker continued and Xander looked at him confused. "There was no soul , nothing to be redeemed, and no manifestation for you to be able to see physically, even here."

Xander watched the man explain himself, "So he’s just gone? It’s like it just never happened?" He definitely didn’t understand this place- the powers that balanced good and evil, and why the evil always liked to challenge and beat him and his wife. For everything he had ever not understood through his whole life, the Heavenly forces were on top of the list. He felt his anger bubble when the Tracker nodded in response. "Really?!" he yelled now, "Because it seemed pretty real when she showed me the sonogram!"

"It was real Alexander. Physically it was a body. But that is all it was…it was too soon…"

"You guys just take everything here don’t you?! You took my son…you took my wife, and sent her here!"

"You can see Buffy," The Tracker reminded.

"Does she know?" Xander ignored him, "Does she know that out child didn’t count?!"

The Tracker let out a steady breath, "I believe she does. Tells herself everyday…"he trailed off when Xander turned and walked away briskly.

Xander hopped over a small wall and lost his balance, falling down a small incline into a puddle of water. He couldn’t help but curse as he sat back in the water, not caring that he was sitting in it at all. "Fuck," he let his head fall into his hands.

He heard the Trackers voice beside him, "You’re not helping yourself here Alexander," he said gently, taking a labored seat next to the broken young man. "You’ve gotten this far, don’t lose yourself to this." Xander didn’t move, so he continued, "Your child…he never got a start. There is nothing that can be done about that, but here…" he pointed ahead, "You are on the threshold of completing you mission. You can see Buffy. Your Buffy."

Xander finally looked up and followed to where the Tracker was pointing with his eyes. He couldn’t believe it; it was his house. It looked dilapidated and dark and dirty, but it was still his and Buffy’s home. Xander pushed himself to his feet and noticed the Tracker following suit.

"It is imperative that you listen to me Alexander," he reached out and grabbed the man’s arm when he started walking dazedly towards the house.

Xander stopped and looked at the hand on his arm before looking up into his face, speaking quietly, "You sound just like Giles." He wore a small grin as the realization set in on the old man’s face. "Before I go," he started, "Could you tell me why you picked this old man’s body, and Jess picked a chicks'? That’s a little ass backwards don’t you think? That he picked you?"

"He died first." Came the simple response and Xander nodded.

"Well…Jenny," he smirked slightly at calling the old man the teacher’s name, "Thank you."

The Tracker smiled at his sincerity but retained his grip on his arm, "You’re still in danger here Alexander," he continued, "Finding Buffy could mean loosing your soul…your sanity. If you let your worlds mesh, yours will cease to exist. Don’t let that happen or there will be no getting back," he warned.

The young man regarded Jenny Calendar still in the form of the elderly man, but didn’t question why she hadn’t changed into her original form like the others he had recognized through their disguises. "You know you can call me Xander," was all he said before he started walking towards the house again.

The Tracker grinned a little, but then it faded as Xander got closer to the front door. "Be careful Xander," he whispered as he watched him disappear inside.

Title: When You Win (27/30?)

Xander’s mind was numb as he stepped into the house- a cruel mocking imitation of his mortal home. Everything was still gray and cold, nothing like the warmth he had always associated with it in the past. He noticed the tarp covered furniture in the living room which was coated thick with dust.

He looked towards the stairs and saw the broken jagged banister, and when he took a step glass from the picture frames that had adorned the walls and tables crunched beneath his feet. He bent to pick up the broken frame, but was distracted by a swift movement in front of him.

Xander looked up and held still, his eyes wide and focused on the woman who had just wandered aimlessly into the room.

Buffy.

He couldn’t make his feet move to her and she made no acknowledgement of him. "I can’t find anything here," she muttered while bending to gather some of the broken glass on the floor, "Can’t find anything…" She sounded like a lost child and, as far as Xander could tell, was speaking more to herself than to him.

Xander barely recognized her voice, he could barely recognize her. Buffy was still exceptionally thin, as she had been when he left her, but her figure was marginally tented with a long black dress that was tattered at the hem. Her hands were cut with smears of dried blood and were just a little bit dirtier than her face. Her pale, sunken face that held her wide set blue eyes and was framed by long matted blonde hair.

Xander bent to help her with her menial task, still not having said anything, but as soon as he knelt she shot off the floor.

"I don’t know you," she said shakily as she rushed across the room, "I don’t know how you got in here. I want you to leave."

Xander stood up and clapped the dust off his hands. "I know you," he said trying not to be out off by her failure to recognize him.

"No you don’t," Buffy whispered watching something invisible scurry up the wall briefly, "I don’t even know me."

"You look just like this girl I knew," Xander continued watching her. "Her name is Buffy."

Buffy ignored him and bent to pick something up off of the floor. Xander was about to speak again but she screamed and fell backwards to the floor, trying to push herself away from whatever she had seen. Xander was at her side in an instant looking for the threat.

"Sp…spid…der." Buffy choked out pointing to the floor.

Xander looked to where she was gesturing but saw nothing.

"SPIDER!!!" Buffy screamed again.

Xander looked confused, but instead just stomped his foot down on where she was pointing. "There," he said comfortingly, "There, all gone. Killed it." He smiled when Buffy calmed down and focused in the object in her hand. He knelt down in front of her and looked at the worn silver chain and cross necklace she had picked up. "I have one like that," he said, lifting an exact replica out from under his shirt. Buffy had brought it for him for his twenty-second birthday just before they had started going out. "Is that your husband’s?" he asked quietly.

Buffy nodded briefly and stood up, still running her fingers over the Celtic cross in the necklace. "My wife brought me mine," Xander continued as she still refused to talk to him. "You know that girl I know. Buffy. She’s my wife." He stood up and followed her, noticing that she had walked into a replica of the small guest room they had downstairs, and sat on the bed.

"She was beautiful; my wife. I loved her," he continued. "We lived in a house just like this. She decorated the whole thing."

Buffy refused to meet his eyes when he sat down in front of her. "I don’t know who you are." Xander didn’t move. "LEAVE!!!" she screamed in his face and he sat back suddenly in complete shock.

"I think that you are Buffy," Xander continued with a shaky breath and she shook her head. "You have the same beautiful hair…soulful eyes. Sort of bluish-green sometimes, and others a grayish-hazel," he bent to see her eyes, but she turned her head away.

Xander decided to go for another method not wanting to have to leave with her still having no idea who he was. "Do you want to hear a story?"

Buffy shook her head, but he ignored her. "It’s about me and my wife, Buffy," Xander reiterated, "It’s about when I purposed to her."

"I don’t care," Buffy whispered. "I want you to leave. You don’t belong here."

"My wife said that to me plenty of times," he joked and Buffy finally looked at him in the eyes, but only for a moment. "She always said I made the worst jokes too," he smirked, his hope reborn. "But she loved me. I think she loved me almost more than I loved her. Almost. But she died," he finished sadly.

"My husband died…killed him," Buffy whispered, "Said he’d never leave me but then he died. Wasn’t his fault. I let it happen. Could’ve stopped it," she rattled off.

"He doesn’t feel that way. Your husband would never blame you for anything. In fact, he’s so sorry he left you. He wanted you to live," Xander assured quietly.

Buffy ignored him, "How did your wife die?" she asked shyly, "I killed my husband, but how did your wife die?"

Xander shut his eyes, remembering, wanting to take the guilt away from her, "She was sad," he said after a moment. "Very sad because I died…I left when I promised I wouldn’t. She lost our son too, he died at the same time I did, and she didn’t know how to deal." He tried to make the story as simple as possible.

"Buffy killed herself, didn’t she?" she asked quietly and directly.

All Xander could do was nod, hoping that he was reaching her. Hoping that he could bring his Buffy out of her. He tentivily reached his hand out to brush the hair out of her face, something Buffy had loved, "I used to brush her hair…" he whispered, but Buffy pulled away harshly, slamming back into the head board. He flinched at her reaction, "Please remember Buffy," he pleaded, "Please."

Her demeanor turned defensive again and she looked down at the bed, "You should leave. I don’t know what you’re talking about and I want you to leave. I’m sorry about your Buffy, but I’m not her. I’m not her."

Xander couldn’t give up, "I went to Heaven, but I left to come find you. You deserve it too, but I won’t go back without you. I won’t, and I know what I’ll be leaving behind."

"Yeah, well," Buffy whispered, "Sometimes when you win, you lose. I’m not asking you to lose for me."

"Can’t win without you," Xander laughed nervously. "Please Buffy. Just remember. Please."

Buffy looked away, but this time Xander was able to slowly grab her hands, touching her for the first time since he had died. She jumped at the contact and tried to pull away, but he didn’t let her go. "Let me tell you the story," Xander pleaded when Buffy started shaking in his grasp. "Don’t be afraid," he whispered in a nervously soothing voice, "I can show you." He watched her eyes close, "I can show you the past."

**

Alone.

Buffy figured it would always be that way. She would always be alone. She laughed bitterly at the fact that when she was younger she had thought that it was her destiny to be alone, but now…now it was more like a choice.

Angel had to leave her. She had unconsciously forced Riley out of her life. And yesterday she had, after a year and a half, told Xander to go. Buffy had rationalized in her head that she was holding him back. He was young and normal and the only thing that was keeping him in Sunnydale was her. The more serious they got, the more that thought was nagging at the back of her mind, and she decided that she couldn’t live what was left of her pre-destined messed up life knowing that she was depriving him of his normally messed up one.

She was doing him a favor…she really was. He would understand that later; that she just wanted him to live. So yesterday, after almost a month of preparation she did it. She told Xander to get out of her life. It took everything she had to say that and stand still and watch his heart break.

Xander had told her that he would never leave her; that he wouldn’t just let her end their relationship, and Buffy hadn’t been able to stop the tears from falling down her cheeks. She remembered the warmth of his palm that surrounded her face when he’d cupped her cheep, wiping her tears away.

Buffy pulled herself out of the memory and tried to refocus on the now, where she sat alone. It had taken hours before she was able to convince him to leave…or break his heart to the pint where he couldn’t stand to look at her; she didn’t know which, but that didn’t matter.

He left, and she hadn’t heard from him all day. Buffy dropped her head. Xander would get over her, she would never get over him. She sat and just let the sun warm her. She had nowhere to go today so she had wandered into the park and just decided to sit. It figured that the day after she ripped her heart out and ran it through a vice would be exceptionally bright; it was just her luck.

She watched a Tai-Chi class off in the distance for a bit before a Frisbee landed next to her on the bench. She idly picked it up and handed it to a young boy who ran up to retrieve it from her. "Thanks," he said quickly before turning and running away.

Buffy nodded in acknowledgment, but didn’t pay much attention as he left. She turned her gaze back to the ground and caught sight of a flash of white near her feet. "Hey!" she called out to the boy, "You dropped…"she picked it up and scanned the area for him, "…this," she finished lamely as he was nowhere to be seen. Buffy sighed and placed the envelope on the bench next to her and sunk back into her state of reflection, her eyes closing briefly until she heard a familiar voice behind her.

"So I was thinking," he started, "since I got my walking papers to see the world, where do I want to go."

"Xander…" Buffy breathed, in a way she had previously only associated with saying Angel’s name, but that had since changed. She was unable to turn to face him, so he walked around the bench and stood in front of her.

He started speaking again, "I mean, last time I tried the road trip thing I ended up dressed like Hercules and getting oiled up, which, by the way, was a lot more fun when we reenacted it." He smile, but continued without allowing time for a proper reaction. "But this time, I’ve got a new car, money in my pocket, a couple weeks worth of paid vacation under my belt…all I need is to figure out where I want to go."

"You could go anywhere," Buffy whispered and Xander knelt down in front of her, "I want you to go everywhere."

"I want to go everywhere too."

"I want you to go and make sure that there’s nothing else out there you want, and if there is I want you to have it."

"That’s very righteous of you," Xander said.

"It’s the only thing I have that I can give you."

"Of all the things you’ve given me I want this the least."

"Xander…"

He smiled as he interrupted her, "You’ve given me your heart…your mind…your body…your soul…"

"Your freedom," she cut him off.

Xander exhaled a laughing breath, "Miami," he changed the subject. "Always wanted to see it. Plus it’s a cross country drive just like I’ve always wanted."

"When you get back you’ll have to tell me about it. Miami looks like so much fun on TV."

"Yeah." Xander agreed with a nod, "And, as an added bonus, cruises leave from there, like, everyday. Six days of Caribbean bliss as a reward for my week long drive."

"You’re going on a cruise? That’ll be fun." Buffy said with a forced smile.

"There’s a lot of fun to be had."

"You’ll be gone for a long time."

"Yeah." Xander nodded.

"I’ll miss you," she whispered and Xander just nodded again.

"Is that it?" he asked.

"I don’t know what else to say. I told you everything yesterday…I’m glad you can move on…"

"Well then," Xander said standing up, "I’ll miss you too." <This is it Harris.> he said to himself and swallowed. "What’s in the envelope?" he asked somberly.

"I don’t know, some kid dropped it. Thought I’d wait and see if he came back," Buffy said, hoping that Xander would just leave. She didn’t understand why he was prolonging this. Did he want to see her cry again? Was that what he was searching for, because he had about five seconds before his wish was going to come true.

"I don’t see any kids," he commented after looking around. Buffy didn’t reply and he continued, "Maybe there’s some ID or something in it."

"Maybe," Buffy agreed, reaching for the item and hoping that by obliging him he would leave sooner. With him here she wouldn’t be able to pretend that she was getting over him. She ripped open the envelope and looked at the contents. It was a brochure and a ticket. She flipped open the booklet and saw her name written on the ticket inside and looked at Xander in surprise, seeing how he just grinned back.

"It’s for April 24, about a week from today." Xander explained the nervousness in his voice present for the first time since he had walked into the park. "We can even spend some time in Miami, not to mention all the sights along the way."

Buffy continued to stare at the ticket while she listened to him, watching him as he knelt in front of her again.

"I don’t want to see anything without you, and if you say no…well, that’ll be depriving me my life," he knew it was cheesy before he said it, but that didn’t change how he felt.

Buffy brought her hands up to the sides of his face and leaned in to kiss him lightly. Xander was almost knocked backwards by the expression on her face when she pulled away. She still had her eyes closed and had a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. "I don’t think I can leave for that long."

"Well Giles wasn’t freaked about it and Angel said that he’d be nearby to help while you’re gone…"

"You talked to Angel?"

Xander grinned and nodded, "It was important. I didn’t want to run the risk of you saying no. Plus, you’re all packed; if you don’t go you’ll he on your own with the unpacking."

"You packed my clothes?"

"A whole backpack full of ‘em…You don’t need shirts and pants and things right?"

Buffy narrowed her eyes at him and he laughed, "Seriously, Willow helped me. There’s an army trunk full of your stuff in the car. We can go today…right now."

"But Mom and Dawn…"

"Already know."

"You’ve had a busy eighteen hours," Buffy grinned in his face.

"Yeah. The meeting was last night, but I’ve had the tickets for a while. I just used you telling me to leave as a way to bring up the vacationing topic."

Buffy looked down at the ticket in her hands again, trying to sort through everything in the forty seconds he was giving her. "Xander," she said as she raised her eyes to his, "This…this is…I…"

"Before you say no, which is the answer I see coming…"

"This is just too much. How much did this cost?"

"Does it matter?" Xander asked almost bitterly. Nothing could ever just be easy with her.

"Yes it matters," Buffy retorted.

"The tickets didn’t cost nearly as much as this." Xander said quickly as he brought a black ring box from his pocket and held it in front of her face. He took in her shocked expression and flipped the lid of the box open.

Buffy gasped as she saw the white gold band with three diamonds inlayed on it, and was vaguely aware of Xander grasping her right hand. "I never want to have another day without you. I can’t…not after having been with you, having loved you…knowing what it’s like to have you love, of all people, me." Xander said his voice trembling and just above a whisper, his eyes were wide and focused on hers. "So last night…when you told me to leave, I…I thought I’d lost you."

"I had to give you that choice," Buffy whispered, sounding a lot like he did.

"And I choose to ignore it because I knew you didn’t want me to leave and, well, I didn’t want me to leave." Xander gave a lopsided grin through his nervousness. "I’ve known you for seven years and, sorry to say, you put me through hell a lot of them. And sometimes you made me so angry I wanted to be able to walk away…to forget you. But I never could…I could never leave, no matter what happened, and I could never forget you, no matter what I try. And…I don’t want to try. So…" he trailed off and took a breath, "…I had this whole thing planned out, ya know? Can’t really remember the speech though."

"You’re doing fine." Buffy told him and Xander nodded and continued.

"I don’t know why, but I brought this," he nodded towards the ring, "after our first month together. I saw it and I knew that it belonged on your finger and that I was going to put it there. I knew you were it for me Buffy, and I think you fell the same way…I hope you do, anyway."

"Yeah," Buffy nodded, "I’m it for me too."

"Are you joking because you’re considering this, or because you’re creating a cushion for the infamous ‘Xander’s an ass’ speech."

"You haven’t given me anything to consider yet." Buffy told him quietly with a slight smirk. Her bad day seemed to have melted away and now it was just the two of them in the bright surroundings of the park.

"Right. Knew I forgot something," Xander took another deep breath and his heart beat out of control in his chest. It sounded so loud to him he wondered if she could hear it too. "Buffy," he started, looking her in the eyes and speaking clearly, "I’ve loved you for so long, and now that you love me back, I never want to lose that. Will you marry me?"

Xander watched Buffy’s chin tremble and her eyes fill with tears that didn’t fall. "You don’t have to do this," she said in spite of herself. She couldn’t help but think that she had somehow pressured him into this, just like being with her pressured him to stay in town.

"Yes I do. This is what people do when they’re in love," he laughed, "Seen it a thousand times on TV."

Buffy didn’t say anything and Xander slowly lowered his hand with the ring box in it, while looking at her with wide eyes, "This isn’t how I planned this," he snorted. "I knew I should’ve memorized the speech."

"Yes." Buffy said in a voice so low that he’d hardly heard it, but it was enough to draw him out of his inner scowling. Xander looked at her with wide eyes again and Buffy stared back with the same expression in place, "Yes." She said simply but this time stronger and with more conviction than before, her face breaking out in a huge smile.

"Really?!" Xander asked excitedly and she nodded. He pulled her into a crushing hug that lifted her off the bench. As his hold loosened she slid down so that they were kneeling face to face on the grass. "The ring." Xander whispered in a trembling voice as he removed it from the box and reached for her left hand. Xander shakily slid the ring onto her finger, noticing her hand was shaking as well.

"I love you," Buffy said quietly while looking down at their joined hands before looking up and crushing her lips to his. She whispered it again when they broke away, but were still holding each other.

"I know," Xander said back, "I grow on people like that. Like an adorable fungus," he smiled.

Buffy playfully pushed him back and stood up, "We need to get going if we’re going to drive all the way to Miami."

"Right behind you," Xander said, but didn’t get up. "Ah…Buff? Could you give me a hand? I’ve been kneeling for, like, twenty minutes."

Buffy smiled and grabbed his hand, easily pulling him to his feet despite Xander’s grimace, "Let’s go Gramps."

"Just be glad it only took twenty minutes. Any more of your indecisiveness and I’d be in a Jiffy Power Chair," he laughed as they walked towards where he had parked his car.

"Hey, I was weighing my options. Who knows how many hot guys I’m going to have to turn down on this cruise because of you," she smiled.

"Don’t push me, woman," he taunted. "You might get left in Salt Lake if you’re not nice."…

**

Buffy’s eyes were still closed and Xander was sitting close enough to kiss her. God knows how he wanted to kiss her. He felt himself lean in further, close enough that he could feel her breathing out of her nose…then her eyes snapped open, full of fear and confusion.

"NO!!!! NOOOO!!!!" Buffy cried out loudly as she jumped off the bed, dropping the chain, and running to the other side of the room.

Xander stayed seated and watched her crumple into the fetal position on the floor, listening to her cry. He could feel his own tears stinging his eyes. This was it, he didn’t have a lot of time left and he knew it. Xander took a deep breath and willed himself not to cry.

"I’m sorry," he breathed out, not even sure if she was listening. "I’m sorry I’ll never be able to make you smile again." He looked directly at her while she continued to cry obliviously. "I’m sorry I’ll never hug you again. I’m sorry I’ll never kiss. I’m sorry I’ll never be able to sing you crappy punk covers in the Magic Box when you’re trying to work, and that I’ll never be able to here you laugh when you watch me use the broad swords when you train. I’m sorry that I’ll never be able to bring you food on the couch when we watch TV. I’m sorry I’ll never hold you again," his voice shook and he fought to make it come out of his throat at all. "I’m sorry I failed you."

Buffy had stopped crying and had settled into rocking herself on the floor, so Xander continued. "Thank you," he smiled at her through the tears that he couldn’t avoid anymore. "Thank you for being my hero. Thank you for being brave. Thank you for loving me, for being my best friend. Thank you for believing in me when I didn’t and for letting me love you. Thank you for being someone I always wanted in my life."

Xander took another deep breath and stood up, casting one last look at Buffy, still laying on the dusty floor, arms wrapped tight around herself and rocking, before dropping his head and leaving the room. "I love you," he whispered from the door way as the last of his strength was sapped from him. Xander clenched his jaw and stepped outside the house closing the door behind him.