Title: When You Win (28/30?)

Xander made his way slowly to the Tracker who stood when he saw him approaching. "I was getting worried about you," he smiled sadly when he saw Xander’s defeated posture, "Are you alright?"

Xander nodded numbly.

"This is what had to be done Xander. You can’t be upset about that…"

"You were right," Xander cut him off.

The Tracker nodded, "You couldn’t possibly have…"

"But not in the way you think." Xander added finally meeting the old man’s eyes. The Tracker studied him in a confused air. "Thank you for bringing me here. For getting me to Buffy." Xander told him while taking a step backwards the house. "You should go home now," he said turning around and walking back to the front door.

"XANDER!!!" The Tracker yelled, "You can’t go back. You won’t be able to differentiate the worlds."

"I know," Xander grinned with a sad sigh, "I started to feel it when I was in there." He nodded towards the house.

"Don’t be stupid!"

Xander smiled more confidently while opening the front door again, "Tell Jesse I’m sorry. Tell him…make up something cool and tell him I said it."

"XANDER!"

"Sometimes when you win you lose." Xander said simply as he stepped inside and shut the door behind him. He walked purposefully back into the guest room and saw that Buffy had moved back to the bed. She looked up briefly when he reentered, but didn’t speak.

"You know," Xander said, reclaiming the seat in front of her, "Most people can’t forgive themselves, but I can forgive you." He looked up into Buffy’s eyes his hands resting on his knees.

"Forgive me for what?!" Buffy yelled. "For killing my husband? For killing my child?!"

"No." Xander replied steadily. "For being so wonderful that I would give up Heaven for you. You’re worth choosing Hell over," he whispered, feeling his mind slip. "I don’t want my Heaven…without you." Xander could feel his body start rocking back and forth as his reality started to fade; all the color melting from the scenery and being reclaimed by dull shades. He leant to his side, laying his head on, the now silent, Buffy’s lap.

She didn’t protest, but instead brought her hand up slowly, running her fingers gently through his hair. It was a little longer than she remembered…

**

"I’m…trying…to have…a…con…ver…sation…here!" Buffy said in between kicks and punches to the Catapus demon’s head and body.

Xander watched from his seated position at the base of a tree as Buffy hoisted the demon up by the neck and threw him about 100 yards where it hit the ground with a loud crack. He didn’t even turn his head as she walked by him to where the demon lay and he handed her the battle axe, which she took with a smile without breaking her war path.

Xander leaned his head back against the tree as he heard the axe slicing through the air and connecting with something creating a sickening wet lop followed by a brief howl of pain. He rolled his head to the side as Buffy dropped the axe at his side and then plopped down beside him, turning so that her back was resting against the tree too.

"Sorry about that," she said sincerely.

"Not a problem," Xander said without a hint of mirth, "Giles will be happy that the Catapult demon was so easy to kill."

"Catapus," Buffy corrected. "And it really was," she finished excitedly, still feeling the post slay rush she always got, but her mood soon changed to match that of her companions. "So," Buffy started again with the topic that they had been interrupted from, "A break huh?"

"A break." Xander answered mono-syllabically.

Buffy nodded to herself and thought about what to say next to get Xander to open up, but he spoke before she could.

"I’ve been pseudo-dumped. I can’t even get myself dumped for real." He sighed with his eyes closed.

"A break doesn’t mean dumped, Xan. A break means…space…time…"

"That’s funny because single people have a lot of space and time to wallow in their loserdom and misery. I know, I’ve done it."

"I don’t wallow," Buffy mumbled dejectedly at her friend’s outlook on being single.

"Geez, Buff. I’m sorry," Xander said, suddenly apologetic, "I forgot."

"Yeah, well…that happens in time." Buffy sighed.

"And I’m sure Dr. Ben helped with that. Nothing tosses a life preserver in the depths of misery that is life like being joined at the hip with a hot doctor, eh Buff?" Xander asked quietly, trying to lighten his mood and failing.

"There were no joining hips involved, Mr. Sunshine. It was only a couple dates." Buffy defended.

"And a couple of dates lead to future dates, which tend to lead to joining."

Buffy opened her mouth to speak but Xander cut her off, "It’s okay, Buff. I want you to be happy. You look happy now."

"I’m not." Buffy told him, "You’re having a major down time and I can’t be happy when my best friend isn’t."

"Well don’t let me spoil your night," Xander said harshly as he pushed himself up off the ground. "Excuse me for being depressed that the only woman who as ever loved me back wants to dump me like a wet sack of crap."

Buffy watched in shock as Xander made a hasty retreat out of the park, "That’s not what I meant!" she called after him as she got up and grabbed her axe before following him. Buffy made the short jog until she was at his side, "You know that’s not what I meant." She said as she slowed to walk beside him. "It’s just…of all the times you took on my pain, I can take on some of yours."

Xander continued to walk in silence and Buffy let him. "You want to know what I think?" she asked after a moment, not being used to quiet and Xander being such good friends. He didn’t answer so she continued. "I think you should do what you told me the night that Riley left…" she swallowed as the memory of that evening flooded her. Xander turned to glance at her when she paused, but she was soon speaking again, "If you think she’s the one. That Anya is the only one. That you’re ready for everything that comes with being completely and totally in love with her for the rest of your life…then fight for it." She finished quietly, "Don’t just give up and don’t accept this break…"

"Don’t you think I’ve tried that?" Xander asked bitterly. "Don’t you think that every night I’ve called, sent flowers, sent letters, knocked on her door…I love her."

"Then your walking with the wrong girl." Buffy spoke carefully, almost in a hurt tone, but Xander continued.

"I told her that the night I told you to run to Riley…I told her that I loved her. I never wanted to lose someone like you lost him. I told myself that I wouldn’t be afraid to tell her that, and I wasn’t."

Buffy was starring at the ground, watching her feet kick at pebbles, as the neared his apartment.

"And now where am I? What did my fearlessness get me? I’ve only told two women that I loved them and both left me…well, one left the whole male gender…"

<Willow> Buffy thought.

**

"A duck." Xander answered leisurely. He was lying sprawled out on his back on a blanket in the middle of West Langsford Park. His arms were folded under his head as the warm breeze blew across him, his cuffed sleeves allowing his to feel it. "What do you think?"

"A dog chasing a truck," came the thoughtful reply and he turned to look at her with raised eyebrows.

"Buff, how come I see a duck and you see a Monet?" he questioned, looking at her as she lay next to him, much in the same fashion he was.

She bit her lip as if in thought, "I guess I’m just more perceptive."

"Or insane," he countered quickly in mock seriousness and Buffy made a face at him. "So insane it is folks," he smiled. It widened when he felt Buffy scoot closer to him without sitting up until her head rested in the crook of his neck while resting on his shoulder.

"What about that one?" Buffy asked pointing to the sky and a new batch of clouds.

Xander’s brow creased before he answered, "I think it’s a baby alligator…sitting next to a lamp."

Buffy considered it for a moment, "I think it’s a giant chicken jousting."

Xander looked at her again, which was much easier than before because she was lying so much closer. "I just think that you like disagreeing with me."

"Maybe a little of that too," Buffy admitted with a shrug.

It was a lazy Saturday afternoon and they, literally, had nothing to do. Xander didn’t have work, and either did Buffy so they decided to steal some time away for themselves. They drove out of Sunnydale to the neighboring town of Langsford and settled down in a park they had found.

Xander lowered one arm from under his head and wrapped it around Buffy’s waist gently rubbing her side through her light sun dress. They just found themselves watching the clouds, basking in the lighthearted comfort that their year long relationship had created.

"I think that one’s a guitar," he pointed around her and Buffy followed his line of vision.

"I think that it’s you in the morning," she grinned, placing a light kiss on the side of his chest through his shirt.

"How does that," he pointed again, "look like me at any point during the day? That is so obviously a guitar."

Buffy smirked at him and placed another kiss on the side of his neck.

"Please tell me you see it." Xander pleaded.

"I do," she assured, "but I just think that it reminds me of you in the morning… well part of you…" she traced the cloud figure in front of his face with her finger.

Xander held her tighter and almost felt a blush creep up his neck. "You’re a bad bad girl," he whispered. "Thank you," he added, "but still very naughty."

Buffy sat up quickly and straddled his thighs efficiently blocking his view of the clouds. "You know what we’re doing tonight," she sing-songed while leaning down and bracing herself on her hands next to Xander’s head.

"I don’t wanna," he shook his head defiantly.

"But I do," she pouted, "And you want me to be happy don’t you?"

"Not that much, no." Xander denied, knowing that it was a lie. If she were to ask him to rip off his right foot he’d do it just to make her smile…not that him being horribly disfigured would make her happy, but still. "I don’t want to go to a high school reunion," Xander reiterated, their five year one was tonight.

"It’s our first one Xan," Buffy whined. It was difficult, but exciting to both of them to be in a relationship where both people slipped into bratty child mode to get what they wanted; although Buffy’s victory level was higher in that particular game. It was annoying too.

"We’ve been out of high school for like three weeks…"

"Five years Xan."

"That’s like three weeks in the grand scheme of things…"

"So then one year is like what, 2.5 seconds?" Buffy questioned, looking down into his eyes.

"Well, yeah," he agreed hesitantly, but grabbed her hips and held her in place when he felt her getting ready to move off of him. "But the most meaningful, invigorating, important 2.5 seconds of my life; and I’ve only been alive for, like, twelve weeks, so…"

Buffy giggled and relaxed back against him. "But I want to show you off to everybody," she whispered in his ear, now resting on her elbows.

"Nobody cared about us when we had to see them everyday, so I doubt that they care now. Plus everybody important hangs out at the Magic Box and they all already know how great I am," he finished with a cocky smile.

"I want more people to know. I want to tell everybody that I’ve ever met that I AM IN LOVE WITH ALEXANDER HARRIS!!!" Buffy finished shouting for the whole park to hear her and then looking back down to him wearing an impish grin.

He smiled back and then leaned up and captured her lips in an intense kiss; his hand coming up behind her head and pulling her down to his while he dominated her mouth, taking of her what was unquestionably his.

"I want to dance with you," Buffy whispered around his lips before giving one last short lick into his mouth before pulling away and waiting for his reaction.

"We went to the Bronze last night," he whined, "We danced already."

"I want to dance with you tonight," Buffy repeated, rocking her hips against his.

Xander bit his lip to stifle his groan, "If you don’t cut that out we’re gonna ‘dance’ right now."

"Pleeeaaassseeee Xander," Buffy begged giving him the doe eyes that always got her what she wanted from him.

"Can’t we do something else? Anything else, you name it."

"We’re 22 and everybody we know is going to be at the reunion. If we want to do anything tonight, it’s going to be happening in the Sunnydale High gym."

Xander looked skeptical as he pondered her statement. "We could have sex in the gym…" Buffy swatted his arm and he smiled at her again. "Fine," he gave in with his eyes closed and he could hear Buffy’s bright grin. "We’ll go and I’ll dance with you…but…" he trialed off and opened his eyes to look at her again, prompting her next question.

"But?" she asked accordingly, leaning into his hand when he brushed her loose hair behind her ear.

Xander smiled, "But if we walk by a broom closet and I get an inkling for some quality Buffy time I don’t want any complaints."

Buffy broke out in a laugh and rested her head in his shoulder…

**

Xander’s eyes snapped open and he sat up bolt straight on the bed gasping for air. His whole body was tingling with warmth and light was pouring into the room from the large open doors of the balcony and the gauzy curtains of the three open windows.

He was back in Heaven.

Confusion washed over him as he looked around the master bedroom, where he had just been laying on top of the still made bed, and sighed.

He was back in his Heaven and he was alone.

Xander got out of the bed slowly and walked out on the balcony. He surveyed the beach below, finding that it was exactly how he left it. He didn’t know if he had dreamt that he had found Buffy or if he really had found her and just failed to get her back. Either way it left him with an empty hole because both situations saw him getting back everything he wanted and loosing it. Either way he wanted to just crawl back into bed and cry.

"Hey," a familiar voice sounded behind him as he felt two arms wrap around his waist from behind. "Remember me?"

He felt a light kiss placed on his shoulder and he shut his eyes, not wanting his mind to be playing tricks on him. Xander turned around slowly, still held in the embrace and opened his eyes. "Buffy," he whispered in awe, bringing his hand up to her face, touching her all over and running his fingers through her hair. She was so bright now; not at all haunted in dark shadows…she was glowing, like he loved her to be. "You’re really here."

He was almost blinded by the brightness and genuineness of her smile as she nodded. Xander’s hand slid around her head and his lips descended on hers. His kiss was born of the anguish of loosing her, longing, and the desperation, and the pure elation of finally being able to touch her again. His Buffy. Finally his Buffy. The Buffy that was bright and full of life, the one who he longed to make smile and laugh. The strong women who he had vowed to protect with everything that he was; and spend the rest of his life with. The one who made him believe in love at first sight.

"I missed you so much," he whispered when he pulled away, still keeping their foreheads pressed together.

Buffy smiled and raised her hand, softly caressing his cheek and he leant into her touch, "You found me. You brought me back." He couldn’t help the tears that fell at the sound of her voice and Buffy wiped them away with the pads of her fingers. "Sometimes when you lose, you win," she smiled and tilted her head up to kiss him again. "I love you," she spoke when they pulled away again.

Xander smiled and shook his head as he felt himself physically quivering with happiness, "This is impossible."

Buffy shook her head and tapped his chin with her index finger, "Impossible is just the stuff you haven’t seen before." When she finished her eyes were focused over his shoulder to the beautiful beach scene just over the balcony.

Xander turned his head to follow her gaze without letting her go, "I almost thought nothing would work."

Buffy glanced up at him, "Until you tried joining me."

Xander smiled at her and bent down, pressing a lingering kiss to her forehead, "I want to show you everything here," he spoke of their paradise.

"I already know," Buffy whispered, "We got here by believing in the same place."

"Isn’t this sweet," A new teasing voice sounded from inside the bedroom and the couple turned around, both smiling.

"Jesse," Xander greeted and slapped his friend’s awaiting hand.

"X-man," he said back warmly, "Back from Hell so soon?"

"It was a little drab for my tastes; too much gray," he joked.

"I hear ya man," Jesse agreed, "But you still were gonna ditch me here." Xander shrugged his shoulder and glanced down at Buffy out of the corner of his eye. "I’m never leaving this place again," Jesse spoke again, gesturing to the world Xander had created.

"But you will remember never to just appear in our bedroom," Xander added with a leer towards Buffy, who elbowed him lightly in the ribs.

"Oh," Xander remembered suddenly, "Jesse, this is Buffy," he smiled.

Jesse bowed and grabbed Buffy’s hand, making a show of kissing it gallantly, "I do believe we’ve met, but it was a pleasure bringing you back from Hell. You’re still very much the hottie." He finished with a grin.

Xander smirked at him, "And my wife; which is also a name she likes to go by."

Jesse dropped her hand and backed away with his arms up.

"Thank you Jesse," Buffy laughed in Xander’s arms, being held securely with her back to his chest.

"I won’t be doing it again," he added still grinning, but then allowed his face to become more serious. "I’m sorry…about your baby, I’m sorry…"

Xander swallowed deeply and his smile died when he felt Buffy tense in his arm, drawing a deep breath. "Thank you." She said quietly, trying to fight off the wave of memories that threatened to flood her, "But I’ll…we’ll get through it." She assured glancing up at her husband who responded by kissing her cheek lightly.

Jesse nodded accepting her answer and Buffy continued, "I just want to stay here with Xander." She turned in his arms to face him. "I want us to grow old together," she kissed against his lips unable to do it enough to reacquaint herself with it.

"Not gonna happen here," Jesse pointed out as he moved to lean next to them on the railing, "The whole growing old deal isn’t what this place does." He gestured to himself and his preserved fifteen year old form. "But if you want to do the whole ‘old’ thing, I do have an offer for you."

He earned their joint stares of intrigue. "You can go back," he said still looking out at the horizon.

"Like reincarnation?" Xander questioned, tightening his hold on Buffy. "Would you want to go back?" he asked her.

"As someone else?" Buffy sounded unsure, "I don’t know if I want to be someone else. I like us."

"I like us too," Xander assured, "But we were meant for each other, we’ll find each other again. We could fall in love again."

"It took me so long to find you," Buffy whispered. It had really taken years for her to get in a place in her life where she was ready to see Xander in that light, to be able to be ready to be in a relationship with him. "I don’t want to lose you."

"You won’t," Xander replied, "Never. We’re soulmates, Buff." She rested her head on his shoulder. "We’ll be able to start over," he added.

"What if you can’t find me?" she asked quietly into his shirt.

"Buff," Xander bent to catch her eyes, "I found you in Hell, don’t you think I could find you in LA?"

Buffy laughed against, "You want this?"

Xander shrugged, "Do you?"

"I want anything as long as it’s with you," she replied sincerely.

"Then we’ll go back," he settled and then glanced briefly towards Jesse who was watching the water crash onto the rocks below.

"I’ll watch this place for ya," Jesse commented over his shoulder, "Make sure no hot chicks take it over."

Buffy rolled her eyes at the young man before speaking to Xander. "Yeah," she nodded, "We go back. We fall in love. We get our happily ever after; then…back here."

Xander beamed and nodded, "Back here."

"And you better find me," Buffy threatened poking him in the chest, her seriousness being masked by her light tone and smile.

"Scouts honor," Xander pledged, "How could I not find my Buffy?"

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