Title: When You Win (21/?)

Xander flounced over a small sand dune and slid into a sitting position at the edge of the water. He hadn’t seen Jenny in over…well he didn’t really know, because there didn’t seem to be time where he was, and his watched had stopped at 10:06. He figures that that was the time he’d died. He thought it funny that of all the things that he could do or create in the paradise, he wanted the only two things that he couldn’t have. Buffy. And the ability to just sit and watch the seconds tick by.

He turned his gaze towards the sky and focused on the pelican overhead. It’d been following him and squawking…and was starting to annoy him to the point where he wished he’d invented something that ate pelicans.

Xander listened to the waves lapping at the shore and wondered what was happening back in Sunnydale; and more importantly, what Buffy was doing back in Sunnydale. Maybe she’d gotten better since he’d left, stopped taking whatever pills the doctor had given her, maybe she’d even started patrolling again. He shut his eyes and laughed to himself. How could he expect her to do that, if she’d died he’d be catatonic, too. Hell, he was the dead one and he felt the same way she did.

Xander smiled as he let Buffy’s image overflow his senses. It was like in his mind he could feel her all around him, he could run his fingers through her soft hair, and he could see her smiling…

**

Xander moved closer to the wall as Buffy stretched out more. He couldn’t sleep like this.

First he had given up his side of the bed for her, granted that was two months ago, and he had asked which side she wanted, but he still missed the outside. And now, this woman, who couldn’t be taller than 5’3 was stretched across more than half the queen-sized mattress, not to mention the fact that she had thrown all the covers over him. So now Xander had two feet of room across and was buried under six feet of cottony warmth, which now closely resembled his idea of hell.

He lifted his head to look over the cloth mountain and glanced at her. Buffy was sleeping on her stomach in a blue tank top and a pair of his old boxers. She had her right arm folded under her head and her left leg was folded almost to her chest, but then stretched so that her foot was planted firmly on his hip. That was Xander’s problem with his current sleeping situation.

Xander didn’t know how anybody could sleep like that, and tried to rationalize that he would be doing her a favor by waking her up, but, begrudgingly, decided against it. He knew that she had been tried when she had gotten back after a two hour patrol and then the hour long make out session that they had engaged in afterwards seemed to take whatever energy that she had left out of her.

Xander thanked God that it was Saturday and that he didn’t have to go to work in the morning as he rolled onto his side and shut his eyes. But he was forced to quickly revert his position when Buffy’s foot pushed right into his…

He flopped onto his back again, and angrily threw all the covers onto the floor, solving, at least, one of his problems. The new flurry of movement, surprisingly, didn’t disturb Buffy, but it did do something that Xander loved. It caused a flood of his beds new scent to bombard his nostrils. It only took two months of her sleeping in it to make his bed smell like, what he called a ‘Cavern of Buffyness’.

Xander propped himself up on his elbow so he could get a better view of her sleeping form. He took great pride in the fact that he now knew all of Buffy’s faces, his personal favorite being the one she wore now. Her deep sleep face. It was just a little more relaxed than the one she wore just before she woke up.

He couldn’t help the smile that formed at the fact that she let him see her like this. It takes so much trust to let yourself sleep so soundly in the presence of another, to have your guard down completely for over eight hours.

Xander reached out his right hand to brush some of Buffy’s hair out of her face. He ran his fingers lightly over her hairline and gently tucked it behind her ear. His hand snapped back suddenly when the move caused Buffy to emit the loudest snore/snort that he’d ever heard…from anybody, including Willow, who was famous for snoring loud enough to wake herself up.

He chuckled to himself when the noise didn’t wake Buffy up and instead she just turned her body the other way. Xander lay back down, basking in the new found space, preparing himself to go to sleep, but after a few minutes found himself turned on his side and spooned behind his girlfriend, his arm fitting securely around her waist.

He lay still for a few minutes before he felt her arm come to rest over his. "I can’t sleep with you breathing your hot nostril air all over me." Buffy giggled sleepily.

"Well, I can’t sleep with you impersonating a fog horn and your foot in my butt, so I guess we’re even." Xander whispered back.

"Nobody told you to sleep in here." She didn’t sound embarrassed about her snoring, Xander could hear the smile in her voice, "You could’ve slept on the couch, or the floor…"

"I’ll put you on the floor." Xander grinned as he started tickling her sides.

Buffy let out a squeal as she flipped onto her other side so that she was facing him and grabbed his wrists, holding his hands together.

"Hey," Xander protested, "You’re not allowed to go all super hero when I get the upper hand." His smile faltered, however, when he noticed Buffy studying him contently, and without warning she leaned in and kissed him gently.

Buffy still stayed very close when she pulled away, "Xander." she whispered, her voice full of emotion as she traced her fingers over his face.

"Huh?" he squeaked out nervously causing Buffy to laugh a little.

"Do you ever think about…things?" she asked sounding wide-awake and a little embarrassed.

"I think about things 85% of the day, the rest of the time I’m just staring blankly at the walls." Xander offered with an unsure smile.

"Us things." Buffy clarified; uncertain of how to bring up the topic she wanted to talk about, "Things that we do."

Xander continued to look confused even though he knew what she was trying to talk about, but he couldn’t figure out why. They had agreed to wait. He realized that that decision had been made four months ago, and that that was a long time to wait, but he didn’t want to rush their first time together any more than she did. He thought they were both fine with that.

"I like the ‘us’ things that we do." Xander whispered to her.

"Me too." Buffy grinned reassuredly before kissing him again, only longer this time. Her lips left his and she kissed up the side of his face so that she could speak directly into his ear. "You mean everything to me." she whispered shyly.

Xander tried to think of some comeback for that, but before he could open his mouth Buffy was speaking again, "I want everything with you."

His heart beat into his throat and Buffy kissed him on the side of his head, "I want you."

"You have me." He was able to whisper finally, still partially refusing to accept what Buffy was suggesting.

He was forced to accept it, however, when Buffy kissed him again on the lips and said clearly, "I want to make love to you. Tonight."

"Today." Xander corrected in a choked voice, sounding nervous because the fact that this was Buffy still got to him, "Since it is after mid…"

Xander was cut off again by Buffy’s lips and he didn’t protest. He wanted this. He wanted this with her. And he could feel Buffy grin against his mouth as he laid them back down…

**

Xander’s eyes snapped open as he felt something wet slide down his arm causing his memory of Buffy to evaporate into nothing. He looked down at the offending moisture, "GROSS!" Xander yelled as he shot up and started flinging his arm around. He looked back up at the sky to the bird, "You pooped on me!" he yelled, "I create you and you poop on me!"

"Maybe that’s what you needed to refocus yourself on the present." He heard Jenny laugh from in front of him, and he turned to face her. Xander watched on in disbelief as she approached him, walking on the water of the bay.

He walked to the edge of the shore and stepped into the water, "You’re clear." he pointed out.

"Yeah," Jenny examined her, now clearly defined arms, "I noticed that too. What happened?"

"Guess I woke up and smelt the crap. It was a real eye opener." Xander nodded, "How are you doing that?" he asked pointing to Jenny’s feet as they stood on top of the water.

"It’s easy." she smiled, " If you want to do it, it’ll be done."

"That’s very ‘Field of Dreams-esque and all, but…"

"Just do it Xander." Jenny interrupted, "You always try to prance around the bigger issues with some dumbass joke."

"You do realize that you’re trying to convince me that I can walk on water here, right? And dumbass? Somebody’s a pottymouth in the heavenly realm."

"If you won’t try," Jenny exasperated, rolling her eyes, "Then you won’t get there." She said pointing to the top of a hill in the distance.

Xander looked at the object that sat atop it with wide eyes, "The house." he was barely able to whisper.

"Yeah," Jenny agreed, "But I can’t get into it without you, and I’m curious as to why…"

"That’s our dream house," Xander said as he wadded into the water, "I had the blueprints all drawn out…"

"Impressive," Jenny nodded, "And here I thought you just laid bricks."

Xander ignored her so she kept talking, "Now if you’ll just cooperate we’ll be there in two winks of an eye."

"Right." Xander said focusing on the water, "Walk on water." He whispered, "I want to walk on water."

Jenny reached out her hand to grasp Xander’s and he was easily pulled up to a standing position next to her, "Lets go." He said determinedly as he let go and took a large stride forward.

As soon as he let go of her hand Xander sank like a rock, and he could hear Jenny’s water muffled laugh as he stood on the ocean floor. "Very helpful." he gurgled sarcastically and watched the bubbles rise to the surface before he started walking again. "Now, thanks to you, I’m going to lose my nomination for Jesus."

"And the elections were in two days. That’s too bad… Listen Xander, I told you to concentrate. You can’t do this if you’re thinking about everything else but what you have to do. And by everything I mean…"

"At least I can’t die." Xander cut her off as he pushed himself through some seaweed.

"Do you want to do this?" Jenny asked her eyes focused on the house.

"Yes. I do." Xander answered and felt himself floating to the surface. "I want to do this." He smiled as he broke through the surface a few yards ahead of Jenny, "So stop holding me up." He took off in a sprint across the water.

"Wow," Jenny commented, looking around the large living room that was one step up form the front door. "This place is…big."

"Yeah," Xander called form the marble stairwell to the left of the door, "It’s great, isn’t it? Buffy and I designed it. Well, I designed it, she mostly did the decoration schemes."

Jenny watched Xander climb the rest of the stairs and run through a fairly large sitting area at the top before climbing more stairs and disappearing form view. She walked through the room and eyed its contents, noting the furniture and the painted pictures that hung on the walls.

She ran her hand along the wall as she made her way through a doorway in the back of the room and walked down a carpeted hall, her eyes grazing over several frames containing blurry pictures adorning the walls. She decided that she would ask Xander about that later as she found herself in another large room. This one contained a huge flat screen TV in front of a white leather couch and two big matching recliner chairs. In the back of the room was a large circular glass table with a huge china cabinet behind it.

Jenny walked around the room, "If this is the downstairs…"

"It’s just like the plans." Xander exclaimed as he ran into he room from another entrance.

"My compliments to the interior designer," Jenny commented, "but generally architects figure in some windows when they build homes."

Xander sighed and looked around the windowless fairly dark room, "I didn’t really notice."

"The lack of windows or the blurry retelling of your life adorning the walls?" Jenny asked sadly.

"Well aren’t we Matlock today?" Xander mumbled as he flopped dejectedly into one of the chairs.

"I wonder what you don’t want to see." Jenny said out loud, almost as if it was a thought, as she walked over to one of the walls, "Do you have anything to drink?" she asked changing the subject.

Xander stared at her, "There’s probably some tap water, but other than that… I mean Buffy and I weren’t really supermarket people."

Jenny just looked at him, and he shifted in the chair. She then turned her gaze towards the table and smiled, "Tea?" she asked as she picked up the pot that had appeared on the table and poured herself a cup.

"No thanks." He said quietly as he watched her walk back over to the wall. Jenny grinned at him while she took a sip of her drink and ran her finger along the wall in the shape of a square, and then pushed the middle of the space that she’d just outlined.

Xander jumped up and ran to where Jenny was standing as part of the wall broke free and fell outside. "That’s better." She said as she walked over to the glass table and took a seat, "Much more light."

Xander peered out of the now open space to the water below, noticing that the house was seemingly situated over the waterfall. He looked up and saw the view of the beautiful white sand beach across the water, and Jenny smiled as more windows appeared around the room and light flooded the house.

End Part 21

Title: When You Win (22/?)

"Hi Joyce," Willow greeted over the phone.

"Willow. Hello." Joyce said tiredly. She had had a hellish morning with Buffy, and was in the mist of fighting every motherly urge she had to rush over to her daughter’s home and drag her out.

"Is everything alright?" Willow asked, concerned at Joyce’s tone. The two had become closer after Xander’s death mostly because they both needed somebody to talk to.

"No. But it hasn’t bee for a while now." Joyce breathed and Willow understood.

"Buffy’ll be alright. She just needs some more time…"

"I don’t think that she will." The older woman said so quietly that Willow almost didn’t hear her, "I’m just so scared."

"I can talk to her if you want." Willow offered. She was in the same boat as everyone else in terms of conversations with Buffy, they just didn’t happen.

"I know that she’s kind of holed up in her own world." Joyce mentally debated weather or not to tell Buffy’s best friend about that morning, but decided against it.

"Is she…at home?"

"Yes, she should be. I…tell her I’ll come over tonight, Dawn and I, we’ll fix dinner. You, Anya, and Giles should come too." Joyce tried to be cheery.

Willow silently pondered why Joyce couldn’t tell her daughter that herself, but didn’t ask, "Will do Joyce." She said instead, "I’ll talk to you later."

Joyce hung up the phone <Maybe Willow can get through to her, Buffy has known her as long as she knew Xander.> She silently picked up her keys and walked out of the front door. She had to go to the market to get the ingredients for the dinner, and she now had an excuse to get out of the empty house.

Willow pushed number 1 on the ‘Magic Box’ telephone speed dial. The slip next to the number read ‘The Harris’’, and she smiled as remembered making that slip the day after her best friends’ wedding.

The phone rang four times before it was picked up by the answering machine.

"Hello." Xander’s voice rang through the store followed by a long pause.

Willow’s breath hitched in her chest as it sounded like her best friend had answered the phone, but hen the message continued in Buffy’s cheery voice, the one she didn’t have anymore.

"Since when are we a ‘we’?" Xander questioned in the background.

"So leave a message." She continued ignoring him, and then the high pitched beep that signaled the end of the tape-recorded flashback.

"Uh…" Willow started, still shaken by the message, "Hi Buffy. It’s Willow. I, um, I’m at the shop if you…"

"Hello." Buffy said in a low voice as she picked up the phone.

"Oh, Buffy. You’re home. That’s good."

Buffy didn’t say anything, but Willow knew that she was still there from the steady breathing that she heard.

"I, um, I talked to your Mom, and she thought that I should call you…just to check up." Willow stammered.

"Yeah, she was pretty freaked after this morning." Buffy answered monosyllabically.

"This morning?"

"I got taken to the hospital, she had to pick me up." Buffy stated simply.

"Are you alright?"

"As I’ll ever be."

"Want to tell me why?" Willow asked of the hospital trip.

"No." was the answer her best friend gave her. The refusal hurt Willow since they used to tell each other everything, but she kept talking to avoid the tears.

"Your mom said that she and Dawn are coming over to cook you dinner. The rest of us are coming too. She thinks it’ll be good for you…"

"I don’t really want any company." Buffy interrupted.

It surprised Willow how her friend could hold the same tone through the whole conversation, and more so the word ‘conversation’ was being used in the pretext of the phrase ‘had with Buffy’.

The words left Willow’s mouth before she knew what she was saying, "You need company. You need something."

"I have to go." Buffy stated.

"You have to go do what? Cry in a corner? Reinstate your vows as a hermit? Refill your Prozac prescription?" Willow cursed herself for saying that to her friend, but was astounded that Buffy didn’t hang up.

"How could you say that? You’re supposed to be my BEST friend. You have no idea what I’m going through."

"And as your best friend you’d think that you’d tell me. And that I’d tell you what I’m going through. You’re not the only who’s hurting…who lost someone they loved when Xander died. I tried to be there for you. We all did, but you didn’t want any of us . Did it ever occur to you that I need my best friend to help me get through this too?"

"You lost your best friend that night." Buffy said in a low voice.

"Yeah. I did. I lost both of them." Willow stated truthfully, but Buffy ignored her.

"I lost my best friend. My husband. My child. My life. I lost everything, and I don’t have anything else to offer you sympathy, and I can’t be sorry for that."

Willow was about to speak again, but was cut off by the soft click of the other line disconnecting.

Buffy turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. The room was thick with steam as she had allowed the water to get as hot as she could stand it and, then turned it up a little more.

She had grown to covet the time that she spent in the shower. It seemed to be the only time where she could completely let go without having to be sent to her shrink. The pelting stream drowned out her tears and helped her feel. The scalding hot water left her skin red and tender, but it seemed to be the only thing that she could feel anymore. It ended the numbness and reminded her that she was still alive.

Buffy moved across the room and grabbed her towel off of the rack, drying off absently while keeping her eyes focused on Xander’s towels. They were arranged in the same haphazard way that he’d left them in before the fight. She sighed at the fact hat she couldn’t bring herself to disturb anything that he had touched that night.

Buffy grasped the slippery doorknob and opened it allowing the steam to fall into the room and she sloshed her way over to the bed. She had forgotten to dry her feet, and still had water droplets streaming down her legs. She just didn't care. She, almost mechanically, began redressing in the pajamas that she had laid out before her shower.

They had been a present from her mother when she and Xander had returned from their honeymoon. The pajamas were powder blue and silky, and Xander had a matching pair that they’d hardly ever worn.

Buffy let her fingers trace over the initials embroidered on the left breast pocket, ‘BAH’. Xander’s just said ‘AH’, no ‘L’. She had that pair laid out on the be as well.

Buffy replayed her conversation with Willow in her head as she walked over to the vanity on her side of the room and sat down. Willow had lost her best friend, and Buffy realized that she hadn’t even cared about what her friend was feeling. She doubted if she even cared now.

Willow’s Xander wasn’t dead. Willow’s child wasn’t dead. Willow wasn’t dead inside.

Buffy’s Xander was dead. Buffy’s child. Buffy.

Her mother and sister were coming over to cook dinner in an hour, but she didn’t plan on helping. If Joyce didn’t have a key she wouldn’t be getting into the house at all.

Buffy began brushing through her still wet hair while focusing on the pictures that she ad lined up in front of the mirror. They were all of her and Xander. All but one was just of the two of them, smiling, laughing, goofing around…the other was of the two of them and Dawn at her mother’s house just over two years ago.

She remembered that day, Xander’s building was being sprayed for potato bugs, whatever they were, and he had slept at Joyce’s for a few days.

Buffy stopped brushing and picked up the picture, tracing her fingers over Xander’s face. She stood up and walked over to the bed and then sat down, leaning against the still cracked headboard and bringing her knees to her chest, never taking her eyes from the picture.

**

"Xan?" Buffy called sleepily as she rolled over in her bed, her hand instinctively reaching into the space where he had been the night before. Finding it empty Buffy sat up, "Xander?" she murmured again while rubbing her hand over her eyes and yawning as she adjusted to the morning light.

Buffy pushed herself out of the bed and walked slowly to her door finding that it was already cracked open <Xander must be downstairs already> she thought as she stepped into the hall. She started towards the stairs, noticing that her mom’s and Dawn’s doors were already open, too.

She descended the steps and turned towards the living room when Dawn jumped out in front of her, camera in hand, and took a picture, the flash causing Buffy to take a step back and shield her eyes.

"Say Bed Hair!" Dawn exclaimed as Buffy tried to blink the spots out of her eyes and smooth out her hair as the same time.

"Only if you say Vamp Bait." She growled, making a slower than average grab for her teenage sister.

Dawn jumped back and snapped another picture, "Somebody’s cranky in the morning."

"What’s with the paparazzi routine?" Buffy asked grabbing the camera form Dawn quickly.

"Mom’s taking film to the store so I get to finish that roll." She answered trying to grab the camera back, but failing.

"Take another picture and I break it." Buffy said handing the camera back to her, and another flash went off as soon as it was back in Dawn’s hands.

The teenager smiled innocently, "Sorry. And anyway it might be too late. I don’t think that Kodak has developed the technology capable of handling you in the morning yet." Dawn laughed and ran upstairs.

Buffy rolled her eyes and padded into the kitchen. She saw Xander standing at the kitchen island wearing only his pajama bottoms, in the mist of squeezing chocolate sauce into a glass of milk. "Hey Sleepy." he grinned without looking up.

Buffy scowled briefly as she remembered when he had came up with that nickname. She had fallen asleep on Giles’ couch on day and Willow, in an attempt to make more space, accidentally knocked her on the floor, and she hadn’t woken up. She had a justified reason, she was under the affects of a Dormatus demons sleeping spell, but Xander conveniently forgot that information. Then he had pushed it one step further and said that Sleepy sited her because, in addition to sleeping like a coma victim, she was short like the dwarfs, at which point he got to sleep alone for a week. But now she’d gotten used to the name.

"Morning." she greeted, "Do you want some milk with that?" she asked as he was still squeezing chocolate into the glass.

"Just making chocolate milk Xander style." he smirked.

"They sell that in the store now, its called NesQuik Chocolate Syrup." Buffy laughed while hoisting herself onto the counter and Xander stirred his drink, ignoring her.

"Sleep good?" he changed the subject when he felt Buffy watching him, and she nodded. Xander smiled and turned to out the spoon in the sink and turned back around to grab his glass only to find it was gone. He turned his gaze to Buffy who was gulping down his milk with an innocent look in her eyes.

"Hey," he protested as he moved between her open legs to stand in front of her, "First you mock the milk, then you steal it. That’s just wrong."

"I was wrong, this is the best chocolate milk ever."

"I know," Xander whined, "That’s why I…" he was cut off when Buffy pressed her lips to his in a passionate kiss. Xander ran his hands up her thighs and to her lower back where he pulled her closer to himself as he deepened the kiss. He pulled away breathlessly, "You’re right. That is the best chocolate milk I’ve ever made."

Buffy smiled and bit her lower lip as Xander leaned in for another kiss…and a camera flash went off.

"DAWN!" Buffy yelled. Snapping her head around to face her grinning sister and setting the glass down next to her.

"That was the last one!" Dawn exclaimed while backing out of the room, "Promise!"

Buffy jumped off the counter, forcing Xander to take a step back and Dawn let out an ‘eek’ before running into the living room. Buffy seemingly forgot about Xander and gave chase out of the kitchen.

Dawn tossed the camera onto the couch as she ran by it and crossed the room with her big sister behind her. "Buffy, it was only one picture." She laughed nervously while trying to put a chair between herself and the Slayer.

Buffy ignored her and leapt over the chair, smiling before she began tickling the screaming girl. Buffy laughed too as Dawn fought to stay on her feet, but then stopped her actions when she felt two arms wrap around her waist from behind and lift her off the ground.

Dawn stood up straight, smiling in front of her.

"I got her Dawnie." Xander said.

"Operation Payback!" Dawn yelled happily as she set her hands in a tickling position and advanced on her trapped sister.

"Nonononononono!!!!" Buffy begged as Dawn started tickling her sides, while she struggled against Xander’s hold…and another flash went off.

"MOM!" Buffy yelled…

**

Buffy sat the picture down next to her on top of her husbands pajamas and reached over to her nightstand. She couldn’t live like she was and she knew it. She didn’t want to live like she was now. Her hand searched the surface of the small table and shut her eyes as her hand found the object and she picked it up.

Buffy’s breath came slow and steady, knowing what she was about to do.

The razor. It’d been sitting there for the last two days, just waiting…

For the first time Buffy couldn’t feel any tears coming and she opened her eyes to look at the room. To look at what she and Xander had created together and brought the blade to her wrist.

Buffy was shaking despite the calm she was feeling and she bit her lip to try to steady herself as she drew the blade down vertically once, and then a second time on the same wrist before she switched hands. On her left wrist the blade was unsteady because of the blood loss from her other arm where the liquid flowed freely, but she repeated the process.

Buffy’s eyes stung as the dark crimson liquid soaked through her pajamas and then the comforter she sat on. She couldn’t tell if she lay down under her own power or if she was just unable to sit up any longer, but she found herself on her side. Buffy tried to concentrate on her movements as she forced her arm to stretch across the bed and drape over the picture before she shut her eyes.

Xander walked around the living room, acknowledging each picture as it clarified before his eyes. Jenny seemed to finally be happy with his progress. She said it meant he was accepting things. But Xander didn’t really see that he had a choice in the matter.

He stopped in front of one picture, in particular. It was of himself, Buffy, and Dawn. He smiled at the memory, the same picture was in his home…back on Earth, "he supposed was the term that described his past.

He studied it, his eyes focused on his wife. She looked so happy…

But then something drew his eyes away from her face. A dark red droplet coursed from the frame and down the glass before falling to the floor below and then being followed by two others.

"Who’s that?" Jenny asked from behind him.

"Dawn. Buffy and Dawn." He answered absently, watching the liquid stream down the glass. Jenny walked up to him and followed his line of vision, gasping in shock at what she was looking at.

"What’s happening?" Xander asked as he reached out catching some of the liquid on his fingertips and smearing it around, "I think its blood."

"Are you doing that?" Jenny asked urgently.

"Yeah. You got me." Xander answered sarcastically, "I was just thinking that some blood would really brighten up the white carpet. No I’m not doing this."

"That’s not possible." Jenny said, reaching out and removing the picture from the wall. She ran to the bathroom with Xander in tow and held the framed photo under running water, "Do you have this picture?"

"Yeah, it’s right there."

"At home," Jenny amended, "With Buffy. Is it in your home?"

"Yeah, it was in the living room."

"Oh my God," Jenny breathed as she removed the picture from the running water and held it up, watching more blood flow, "Soulmates."

"Huh?" Xander asked confused.

"You and Buffy. You were…are Soulmates." Jenny said is disbelief, "I’ve never seen a case like this. It’s so rare…"

Xander stopped listening and smiled to himself. He was Buffy’s Soulmate according to the laws of Heaven. He wished he could but his way back for just one minute so that he could scream that fact in Angel’s ear, that he, Xander Harris, was Buffy’s Soulmate.

"Why is that picture going all ‘Exorcist’ though?" he asked instead of singing his happy song.

"I don’t know to much about it, but it’s coming through from the mortal realm. It’s very unusual. It’s Soulmate material, the ability to reach each other even through death." Jenny re-emptied the frame into the sink.

"But it is blood." Xander insisted, "Can’t you call somebody and see what’s going on. If it’s some type of connection that’s coming through the picture something could be wrong."

Jenny set the picture down and looked at Xander, "I’m going." was all she said before she hurried out of the bathroom.

Xander’s eyes locked on the picture, the frame now refilled with blood, and he was only vaguely aware of the sound of the front door closing.

End Part 22

Title: When You Win (23/?)

Joyce smiled reassuringly at Dawn as the teenager pulled the Jeep to a halt in the driveway of Buffy’s house. She remembered that when Buffy was that age and they had first moved to Sunnydale, when she had let her drive, stopping always included more burnt rubber and tire screeching.

"See, I told you I could do it." Dawn said proudly as she took the key out of the ignition.

Joyce opened her door, "And that begs the question of why you know how to do it."

"Dawn stopped smiling under her mother’s gaze, "I don’t know," she said quickly, "I think it was a hunch." She tried to cover up the fact that she had been driving for about a year. Xander had been teaching her before…

Joyce smiled again and nodded as she opened the back door and pulled out two bags of groceries, "Get the front door Dawnie." She said, and Dawn ran to unlock it.

"Hey Buff, We’re here!" Dawn yelled up the stairs after noticing no signs of life on the lower level. Getting no response she walked into the living room and flicked on the TV.

"Hi Honey." Joyce called in the same fashion while kicking the front door closed behind her. She glanced into the living room and saw Dawn reclined on the sofa watching ‘Judge Judy’, "Thanks for the help, Sweetie." She commented sarcastically before making her way into the kitchen.

"Sorry," the teenager called from the other room.

"That’s okay. I know the judicial system is more important than helping you mother avoid getting a hernia." Joyce moved to the base of the stairs after not yet having received a greeting from her oldest daughter. She knew Buffy was home, because Buffy didn’t go anywhere, really, and the car was still in the driveway. "Buffy, honey. We’re about to start cooking. Do you want to come down and help?" she called.

"Yeah Buff. I’ll even get the fire station on stand-by for you." Dawn added and her mother scowled from the doorway. "What?" she asked innocently, "She burned pudding."

"We don’t need to bring that up…"

"I’m tired of walking around on egg shells with her. She’s my sister, we used to joke around with each other." Dawn huffed.

"I know, Sweetie…" Joyce started sadly. She was beginning to get worried at the lack of response she was receiving, but she was trying desperately to hide it. "Why don’t you stay here and watch your show. I’m going to go get your sister."

She slowly began to ascend the stairs, fighting off the nauseating feeling of dread that she felt washing over her body. "Buffy," she called again more quietly when she hit the top of the stairs. Joyce cautiously walked down the hall and stopped when she reached the doorway of the master bedroom.

She released the breath she was holding and felt herself smile momentarily at the scene before her. Her daughter sleeping on her side, her bare feet encircled by the light blue cuffs of the pajamas she had given her facing towards the door.

But her smile died when she took a step forward into the room and the whole bed came into view. The first thing Joyce noticed was the pool of crimson on the side of the bed. Her eyes traced up to the edge of the blanket as it hung off the side and focused shortly on the slow drip that was falling from it. Her line of vision traced up the line to the flat plain of the bed and took in the large pool of dark red that engulfed the whole mattress.

Joyce saw the pale hand that seemed to be the source of the blood flow and quickly traced it up the arm, to the pale exposed neck, and the deathly white face for her baby. Her Buffy.

Joyce flew forward tot he side of the bed, feeling numb from the scene before her. She instinctively reached out and rolled Buffy onto her back, gasping at the sight and the feel of the still wet dark red liquid. She pulled her little girl to her chest, "Buffy," she whispered shaking her lightly, ignoring the blood as it covered her clothes.

She whispered her name over and over as she stroked her face, feeling the now cold, clammy skin under her fingers. "Please no. Please." She begged to herself, letting her hand trail down her daughter’s arm and grasping her wrist in hopes of locating a pulse.

She found none, but instead felt her fingers slide into an open gash on her arm. Joyce flipped Buffy’s hand palm up and her eyes widened at what she saw, so she flipped her other hand to verify what she hoped was just a bad dream.

But it wasn’t.

She was staring at two four-inch cuts on her precious daughters’ delicate wrists and for the first time she screamed.

Frantic, Joyce pushed herself off the bloody bed only to slip on the pool on the floor. She couldn’t see straight from the tears, and she couldn’t wipe her eyes because of the blood on her hands. She pushed herself off the floor and ran out of the door, barreling down the hall and to the steps.

She saw Dawn on the third step, "What’s the matter Mom?" the teenager asked worriedly, taking in her mother’s now bloody wardrobe and the frantic look in her eyes.

Joyce didn’t answer, but instead grabbed the girls’ forearm and dragged her down the stairs. "Outside." She demanded shakily forcing her youngest out of the front door and locking it behind her.

She couldn’t form a complete thought as she stumbled into the kitchen and grabbed the cordless phone off the wall. She forced her shaking fingers to punch in 911 and let her body slide to the floor.

Xander sat on the doorstep of the house while he waited for Jenny to return. He had watched the picture’s blood flow until it subsided to just mere trickles, but he didn’t know why that didn’t relieve him at all. He was worried about Buffy before he left and now he was terrified, especially since Jenny told him that the blood was probably coming through from her.

"Xander?" A voice asked, gaining his attention.

He looked up at the newcomer. "Hi?" he offered unsure while examining the woman in front of him. She was almost Cordelia’s height, but had piercing green eyes and light brown hair. She was dressed in a pair of loose fitting yellow pants and a white tank top, and looked to be about his age.

She smiled warmly at him, "I’m Miranda."

"Oh. Hi. You already know who I am so…"

"How are you doing?" she asked while moving to stand in front of him.

"Ah, I’m just peachy. I’m dead, what’s not to like?"

"Jenny came by before she went back to the mortal realm. Said you were a Soulmate case…"

"She’s a stickler for details, isn’t she?"

"She also said that you were a smartass." Miranda grinned, "It’s cool. I had a friend like you so I can quip with the best of them."

"Quality banter op. I miss those." Xander sighed.

"Did you do that a lot with Buffy?" she asked curiously.

"Yeah, sometimes." He suddenly sounded far away.

Miranda noticed it and quickly changed the subject, Jenny had told her to help him move forward. "Want to go for a walk? I could show you around."

Xander raised his eyes to look at her, "Jenny told you about Buffy?"

The girl nodded.

"And she told you that I’m her Soulmate?"

Another nod.

"Then you must know that I don’t want to leave here until I find out what’s going on." Xander said, studying her so intently that he was almost looking through her.

She shifted nervously on her feet under his gaze, "Jenny also said that you might take a while to convince. She thought that while she was gone I could get you out of here. Show you what else this place has to offer, maybe you could see some other people."

Xander just sat still and looked at her.

"Wow. You are stubborn," she mumbled, "C’mon Xan, you know you want to."

Xander nodded shortly at her and smiled at the use of his nickname. Not even Jenny called him Xan.

"Why not." Xander sighed finally, standing up, "No sense in wasting my prime death years."

"Exactly," Miranda smiled, "You’re going to love this." She said as they walked down the hill away from the house.

Xander faced straight ahead and watched the girl out of the corner of his eye, "Where we’re going wouldn’t perchance be filled with naked women, would it?" he asked nonchalantly as he was led to the edge of the cliff.

Miranda turned to look at him with raised eyebrows and a small smirk.

"It’s just cuz I can’t find that room in my heaven and I thought maybe you had more luck." He explained.

She grabbed his hand without answering and stepped confidently off the edge of the cliff, descending down an invisible ramp, and Xander watched the scenery melt and change from his beach to a large park, that seemed to be set up as a fair ground. The area was crowded with people of various ages who were bustling around happily.

"Why would I have more luck?" Miranda asked suddenly as she began leading him through the grounds and towards a small lake.

Xander, however, was too busy focusing on the people around him, "What is this place?"

"It’s my heaven." She answered simply as a small rowboat sailed up and docked in front of them and she stepped inside.

"How come it’s so…populous?" he asked following her, barely avoiding being run over by a group of screaming children, and he watched them until they disappeared into the crowd.

"I was focusing on more than two people when I created it." Miranda answered, and started rowing the boat out into the lake. "Not that there’s anything wrong with your heaven. We all have different ideas of paradise."

Xander leaned back and let his hand fall into the cool water, "Thanks for showing me yours."

"No problem. You needed a change, even if it did lack nudity." She grinned and stopped rowing, "Soooo…"

"So." Xander repeated, studying her again.

"Talk to me." She said simply.

"About?"

"Anything."

"Anything?"

Yep…Whatever you want."

"Alright…One time me and…"

"Anything not about Buffy." Miranda piped up, "Just tell me a memory without her in it."

"That’s not that easy." Xander looked at the floor of the boat.

She smiled softly, "C’mon, Xan. You can do it. You did exist independently from her."

"I know. It’s just…"

"So tell me one. Tell me about your friends." She asked excitedly.

Xander looked her in the eye and felt himself grin as he thought of what he wanted to tell her.

**

"Do you have any twos?" Xander asked, shifting positions on the ground.

"Go fish." Tara responded, and Xander picked a card from the pile.

"Ummmm…Sevens?"

"Fish." Xander waited a minute for her to pick a card. He was bored out of his mind, and he never realized how much he hated Go Fish. "Twos?" he asked absently while letting his head drop back against the tombstone he was leaning on.

"You already asked that." Tara yawned and looked around the empty cemetery.

"Oh. Huh…Well, I’m out." Xander sighed, "How come all the vamps only come out when Buffy’s around? I would kill to have a dead moment like this when we’re on patrol together."

Tara packed up the cards while her friend ranted.

"It’s like the underworld knows when I’m about to get some and waits till then to open it’s Big Box-O-Crap. But the minute I go Lonely Boy it’s some sort of evil holiday."

"That’s what you guys do on patrol?" Tara asked with a raised eyebrow and a repressed laugh when Xander blushed. "And here we were playing Go Fish when we should’ve been playing Truth or Dare." She teased.

"And another good question," Xander said loudly in hopes of changing the subject, "Why did Wills get to baby-sit Dawn?"

Buffy and her mother had gone to LA for an art exhibit, leaving the rest of the gang to carry out the Slayer responsibilities.

"C’mon Xan, truth or dare?" Tara asked mischievously.

"And Giles got to do all that fun reading…" he continued, "Speaking of which, have you read any…"

"Fine. I’ll go first. I pick truth." She settled.

"Truth?" Xander asked, suddenly interested, and Tara nodded. "I can ask you anything?"

"Yep. Anything. I’m going open book."

"Ok…" Xander trailed off in thought, "Have you ever, um…fantasized…about me?" he asked slowly.

"About you?" Tara’s brow furrowed.

"Yep." Xander asked with his patented joking leer and teased, "Now tell the truth."

Tara smiles briefly before her answer, "No."

"No?!" he repeated shocked.

"Not ever once." She assured.

"Not once? How could you not? What’s wrong with me?"

"Nothing’s wrong with you. You’re just not my type of guy." Tara shrugged.

"I’m everyone’s type." Xander defended, "I can’t believe that you never snuck a peek at the Xan-Man goods."

Tara just smiled sympathetically and shook her head no.

"What about Buffy?" Xander asked, suddenly re-interested in the conversation.

"That’s two questions." She pointed out.

Xander couldn’t help the smirk that broke out over his face. "In many cultures the avoidance of a question is taken to mean yes."

"Well, that wasn’t avoidance. That was me telling you that it’s not your turn anymore."

Xander continued to look at her with a mixture a suspicion and intrigue, "If you answer now, I’ll do a dare along with a truth."

"Two dares." Tara bargained.

Xander smiled widely and rubbed his hands together, "This is gonna be good. Answer."

"No." Tara repeated again simply.

"You have to. I’m doing two dares here…"he protested.

"The answer is no."

Xander sat back disappointedly, "No?"

"Yep."

"Not even once? What are we, some sort of repulsive freaks, or something?"

"Nope. To both."

"Humph. That’s weird cuz I used to think about you and Wills all the time." Xander pondered.

"Funnily enough," Tara said, "None of my truths were going to center on that. So…I dare you toooo…."

"Die slowly." A new voice challenged from behind Xander and a hand gripped him by the shirt, easily pulling him over the stone.

"Heelp mee!" Xander choked out as a clawed hand wrapped around his throat and lifted his off the ground.

"Hold on, Xan." Tara begged, worry evident in her voice, as she searched to ground for her discarded stake. Finding it she jumped up and ran at the vampire, stabbing it in the back.

The demon howled in pain and released Xander, leaving him to crumble to the ground, gasping for air. The vampire tried to swing at Tara, but she back peddled quickly.

"Xander! I missed the heart!" she screamed.

"I noticed that too." He pushed himself off the ground and ran at the vamp. When he got within arms length he swung his fist, connecting solidly with the back of it’s head and he winced at the pain that shot through his hand, but he was happy that it drew attention away from his friend.

Xander punched him again with his sore hand, this time in the face, when he turned around, "Owwwwww!!!"

Tara used this time to rip the stake from its body and re-aim before striking again, this time hitting its heart, and the vampire erupted into a cloud of dust.

"Okay," Xander breathed, cradling his right hand, "I think this is broken."…

**

Xander had maintained eye contact with Miranda through the whole story, and smiled when he was done.

"What made you pick that one?" she asked quietly, for the first time turning away from him.

"Same reason I asked about the naked women." He shrugged. Xander couldn’t believe what was happening, and he remembered that night as if it were yesterday. Just like he remembered when she died trying to protect Willow and her funeral the year after. Xander’s gaze bore through her and he squinted as her visage melted away before his eyes, "I had a lot of good memories with my friends, Tara."

"You knew?" her voice now sounding familiar as she looked like the girl he knew from Sunnydale.

"I dunno. I think it was my powers of perception. That and Miranda looked a lot like that girl that delivered Giles’ mail that I caught you checking out."

"I caught you checking her out." Tara said confused, "Remember, Buffy was in the back and you had to sign for that package, and when I came out of the store room you were telling her about the mating habits of the North American black bear…"

"Fine, fine." Xander shook his head dismissivly, "Nobody said I was the King of flirting."

Tara grinned and nodded, "See. You can think about more than Buffy."

Xander just looked down sadly, the lighthearted moment dissipated into nothing, "I just don’t want to."

Xander stood on the patio off the master bedroom and watched the sun set. If he had to choose on thing about this place that he loved the most, it would be what he was watching right now. It was exactly as he remembered it on his honeymoon.

"Xander." Jenny’s voice called softly from behind him as he stood with his back to her. His head snapped around at the sound of her voice, and he turned to face her.

"What did you find out?" he asked excitedly, forgetting the greeting as he approached her. Her head was downcast and he couldn’t see her eyes and the small smile he was wearing died. "Is it not of the good?"

"Xander," Jenny repeated, finally able to look up from the ground and meet his eyes, "maybe we should sit down."

Xander’s brow furrowed and he cocked his head to the side, "No thanks. I’m fine. Just tell me what’s going on."

He watched Jenny take a deep breath and look at the floor again, "Buffy…"

"Buffy? What…"

"Buffy’s dead." Jenny said quietly, unable to look at the man in front of her.

Xander wished the blood that was now pounding in his ears had started earlier and he hadn’t heard her. He couldn’t talk, his throat and mouth had dried out. He could feel himself start to shake, and was only saved falling down because his knees had locked as his muscled tensed while he tried to grasp the information he had just been told. He tired to force his mouth to work and he sputtered for the words, but Jenny spoke again so that he wouldn’t have to.

"That’s what was happening with the picture," she explained, unable to tell if he was even listening. Xander just stood staring ahead with glazed eyes, drawing shaky breaths. "She was bleeding and it came through over here." Jenny continued.

She watched his eyes refocus on her, "When do I get to see her?" Xander asked, his voice breaking.

Jenny looked down again, "You don’t."

"If she’s dead she comes to heaven. This is her place too…"

"She committed suicide." Jenny stated firmly, " Suicides don’t come here. You’re never going to see Buffy again."

"What?!" Xander yelled harshly, his mind refusing to accept that his once strong wife had ended her own life.

"Buffy killed herself," Jenny said again, trying to make him understand, "She’s going to Hell…"

"No!" Xander yelled, "No! You did this. You made me leave her and come here." He seethed, stepping into Jenny’s face, "You can fix this. Call somebody."

"There’s nothing I can do." Jenny didn’t shrink away from him, "Suicides go to Hell. It’s written. I know it’s horrible, but she needs to accept what she’s done."

"And be tortured for it?!"

"Xander, I know it was unexpected. Nobody saw this coming. I guess with the whole Soulmate thing…I mean one’s nothing with out the other, but nobody knew that was the case here…"

"So you knew this would happen?!" Xander accused again.

"No. No. Xander, I wish I could help, but there’s nothing I can do. Buffy made her choice. Suicides…" she struggled to word her sentence properly, "suicides defy the natural order of things. She broke that laws of man and God."

"She was hurting. They have to understand. Somebody has to understand…" his voice took on a pleading tone.

"You have to understand, Xander. Suicides are self-absorbed. Buffy didn’t care enough about anything…"

Jenny was cut off when Xander pushed her away roughly and walked past her, tears falling down his face, "NO!!!" he screamed, "Don’t talk about her like that. Don’t call her a suicide. Buffy is the most giving, caring…"

Jenny turned to face him again, "Buffy WAS, Xander. But that doesn’t change what she did."

"How can they punish someone for hurting? For being in pain that they couldn’t control?" Xander struggled to keep his voice steady, "How could they send her to Hell? She’s a hero."

"She might have already been there, Xander." Jenny said truthfully, "The real hell is your life gone wrong."

Xander’s head snapped up suddenly, the despair in his eyes replaced with fierce determination, "I’m going to bring her back."

Jenny matched his tone in her refusal, "You can’t. There’s no way. Xander, you’re not understanding…"

"It’s not about understanding. It’s about not giving up," Xander interrupted. "You said that I was her Soulmate. That we could reach each other ever through death," he waited for Jenny’s reluctant nod. "Well then, I’ll find her. I’ll bring her back. I won’t give up on her."

"You can’t! You’d have to go to Hell, you don’t understand the risks…"

"I’m going to do this with or without you." Xander stated.

"You can’t bring her back."

"You don’t know what I can do. What I will do for Buffy. You don’t know us." Xander stared at her directly.

Jenny regarded him for a moment. She knew that if she didn’t help him he would probably drive himself crazy trying to find a way, and if he did, she would never see him again. She sighed in resignation, "We’ll need a Tracker."

"A who?" Xander asked confused at the sudden change in pace of the conversation.

"A Tracker. A guide to show us the way. I don’t know my way through he Nether World and I’m not letting you go alone." Jenny told him, as she walked past him to the door.

Xander smiled and followed her, "Lets go get us a Tracker then."

End Part 23

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