Title: When You Win (18/?)

"You can call me Jenny now, Xander. We’re all adults." the figure stated, once again moving around the room.

"Alright. Jenny." Xander said trying to follow her movements, "Why can’t I see you clearly? You’re all blurry? It’s kinda giving me a headache."

"You’ll see me clearly when you’re ready to." she answered.

"That’s great. And it was almost an answer." Xander said sarcastically, "Anyway…I, uh… kind of don’t have time to talk right now. My wife just woke up and I need to be in there for her."

"Buffy." Jenny said without a hint of question.

"Buffy." Xander agreed, with the slight smile he always got when he said her name, as he walked to the door of the waiting room.

Jenny was quick to intercept him, and before Xander could turn the corner she appeared in front of him. "You should come with me." she stated as he stopped in front of her.

"I think I’ll pass." Xander said trying and failing to step around her, "I mean, my mom always said not to run off with hallucinations of dead people…"

"I’m not a hallucination." Jenny replied calmly while circling him.

"But you are dead?" he questioned skeptically while he followed her with his eyes.

"Yes, for…I guess it would be nine years now."

"Seven." Xander said quietly as he looked down remembering the teacher’s death at the hands of Angelus, "It’s been seven years."

"Time passes faster there." The ghost told him quickly with a shrug of her shoulders, "don’t feel sorry for me Xander. Where we go is much better."

"Firstly, we’re not going anywhere. You can go if you’d like, but its not going to be a joint thing. Secondly, where exactly are YOU going to go?" Xander tried to get out calmly.

"You don’t find out until its time for you to go there. And, as you probably can guess, I’m here to help you find out."

"Find out what… You know what? I don’t want to know. This is crazy." Xander making a quick move to fake Jenny out and then stepping around her with a smile.

"Have you looked at yourself?" Jenny asked reappearing in front of him causing Xander to stop abruptly.

"I’ve had more important things to do. As you seem to know, my wife’s in Intensive Care." Xander replied tiredly hanging his head again.

"You woke up in a hospital room but you’re wearing your regular clothes. The ones you wore to the cave." Jenny told him.

"Yeah." Xander said looking down at himself for the first time since he had woken up, he was wearing his khaki cargo pants and yellow Billabong tee shirt, "There’re clean." he noticed seeing the lack of blood stains.

"Do you know where you woke up?" Jenny asked again, pressing the subject.

"In a hospital, we covered that… Look, I don’t have time for this." He exclaimed as he started walking away again.

"You woke up on a table. Did you look around yourself? Did you look at what you left behind, what’s probably still there?"

Xander kept walking and entered the doors of the ICU behind an entering orderly. He saw Joyce, Dawn and Giles standing by the nurses’ station and then turned towards Buffy’s room. He saw a doctor walk from behind the curtain and towards Joyce. Xander didn’t wait to hear what he has to say, but instead started walking towards the room.

"Xander!" he heard Jenny yell from behind him.

"Not now." Xander said turning around to face her with a steady look on his face.

"You can’t help her. You know that don’t you?" Jenny asked seriously.

Xander merely huffed out a sharp breath and turned around to resume his quest. However, when he turned to face Buffy’s room he was blinded by a light so bright that he was forced to take a few steps back and shield his eyes. "What the hell?" he asked while he blinked a few times to adjust his vision and turned around in a small circle, taking in his surroundings. He realized that he was no longer in the hospital, "Where are we?" he asked forcefully when he couldn’t see Jenny anywhere around him, "I want to see Buffy."

"She’s here." he heard Jenny’s voice and turned to face her blurry form. Xander took a few short hesitant steps to stand at her side, "I needed you to see this," Jenny stated staring at the huge stain glass window in front of them before casting her gaze down, "I transported you to limbo until it was time, it’s been a few days."

"This cryptic deal didn’t work for Angel and it’s doing even less for you." Xander stated looking directly at her.

"You’re dead." Jenny said simply gesturing to the scene below them..

Xander looked down slowly at the gathering in the church; there were about thirty people that he could tell. He saw all the flowers that were surrounding a polished wooden casket. He heard the distant sound of a priest talking and the muffled sobs, and had no choice but to turn away <I’ve always hated funerals>

"You’re crazy." he said shaking his head and taking a step away from her.

"You’re dead." Jenny answered, "Just like me. This is your funeral."

"I’m not dead!" Xander shouted, "If I were dead would I need you to tell me?!" he asked before turning and running down the steps to the church floor.

"Apparently so." Jenny answered even though Xander couldn’t hear her. She then turned around to the balcony again and watched Xander rush into the aisle below.

Title: When You Win (19/?)

Xander slowed his pace to a jog as he made his way down the aisle, noting the people who were seated in the pews. He stopped for a moment to take in each of his friends. His work buddies were sitting in the back of the church, looking out of place in black suits. He felt sorry that they were there, and looking so uncomfortable, but they weren’t who he was looking for. He took a few more steps forward and saw Giles.

The Watcher was sitting on an aisle seat in the third row, his eyes red and focused on the scene laid out in front of him. Xander could see Willow sitting next to him, her head resting on Giles’ shoulder. Her eyes were clenched shut, but Xander could see the wet streams of tears that were still falling down her face.

Next to Willow sat Oz. A face Xander hadn’t seen for a year, but he still looked the same. He had the same stoic expression on his face that he always wore and his eyes were locked on the same location as Giles’ in front of the church.

Xander figured that he had only come for Cordelia, anyway. She looked like she needed someone. She was sobbing openly with her head resting in her hands so that he couldn’t see her face.

Angel. Xander’s heart seethed when he saw the demon in the row, too. He didn’t look sad or happy, he just sat there, gripping a white pamphlet in his hands. Xander knew why he was there, too, and the reason made his stomach turn. He was there for Buffy. <MY Buffy> Xander thought while glaring at the vampire.

<Buffy> Xander felt like he hadn’t seen her in years. He scanned the church again, his eyes grazing over Joyce and Dawn, his mother and father, even his grandfather and some aunts and uncles, the wooden box that held everybody’s attention, and finally to the front row in the right of the room.

It was empty except for one person.

Xander walked slowly to the row directly behind her and stared down, afraid to talk or move. He was not a church-going man, but it seemed that every time he stepped foot in one, he lost control of his motor functions… But maybe it was who he was always in the church with, because the only other time he felt like that was on his wedding day.

He knelt at her side, remembering that day. Remembering how pretty much all the same people were gathered at the same church.

**

…"What are you doing now?" he asked from outside the door of the room Buffy was in. <My bride, Buffy>he smiled to himself.

"Makeup." she answered.

"On the floor?"

"I pulled the mirror from the table. Now I can get ready and talk to you at the same time."

Xander could hear Buffy’s smile in her voice. "So you’re not dressed yet?" he asked while taking a seat on the floor with his back resting against the door.

"I’m sitting on the floor. You think I’d sit on the floor in my wedding dress?"

"Well, we don’t have a lot of time." Xander said smiling. "I just thought you’d be more ready than you are."

"We have forty-five minutes, Xan."

"And you’re calm about that. About only having forty-five minutes of being single…"

"Xan, we haven’t been single for three years. Unless you have something that you wanna tell me?" Buffy questioned jokingly.

"I know, but I thought it might be harder for you…I mean you can get guys, I’ve seen you in action…"

"Don’t sell yourself short, I’ve seen you get some guys too."

"That was your fault. You picked out those clothes and then you left me in the…"

"I’m just waiting for Wills and Mom to come in and help." Buffy’s muffled voice interrupted through the door. She had heard that story everyday for a month and had stopped laughing at it after the first four days.

"You need help?" Xander asked accepting the change in subject.

"Just so I don’t mess up my hair, or get makeup on the dress…"

"Cuz I’ve got hands…Hands made for helping." he offered.

"You’re offering to help me GET dressed? What have you done with Xander?" Buffy laughed.

"Well, I just wanna see you in the white panties and garter belt…"

"The ones that were in MY underwear drawer?"

"One in the same."

"There’s the pervert I know and love."

Xander smiled at her joking statement and readjusted himself of the floor. "But seriously, I can help."

"If I said okay then you’d see the dress, and as Mom, so vigorously put it two days ago, that’s bad luck." Buffy said with minor disappointment.

Xander smiled at the memory of Joyce and Dawn coming to the apartment he shared with Buffy two days earlier and insisting that Buffy come home with them until the wedding. Dawn had said, "It’s so you guys can’t have sex till the honeymoon." Then he had to act as a human shield to protect the teenager from her sister. Both he and Buffy had declined the ‘offer’ of this pre-marriage separation, but Joyce’s ‘insisting’ included packing Buffy’s bag and physically forcing her out of the door. Xander still wondered how the ordinary woman got in the position to move the Slayer against her will, especially when at one point Joyce had actually lifted Buffy off the ground and carried her out the door.

"So what does it look like?" Xander shook himself out of his thoughts and asked of the dress, which he hadn’t seen.

"Can I describe it to you?"

"I think so. I mean my first two brides let me help pick them out," Xander said as seriously as he could.

"Maybe that’s why you’re not with them," Buffy answered, smiling again.

"Maybe." Xander sighed in mock contemplation, "It’s a shame. I really liked that first one." Xander said in mock contemplation, "But I haven’t seen you in two days. You could at least describe how you look exactly."

"Hey," Buffy defended. "It’s not like that was my choice. Mom is freakishly strong."

"So you’re not going to tell me?"

"Nope."

"Is it white?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"A descriptive one. You use a adjective to describe the dress, you college graduate, you."

"Why wouldn’t it be white? What are you implying?" Buffy asked annoyed.

"Nothing." Xander defended, "Just in those wedding books you brought home some of the dresses were…off-white. What were you implying that I was implying?"

"It’s white." was Buffy’s only answer.

"Lying in the House of the Lord!" Xander exclaimed with a laugh.

"Do you want me to call this off?" Buffy shot through the door with a laugh of her own.

"What are you doing now?" Xander asked again.

"I don’t know what she’s doing, but I know what you’re doing," Willow’s voice entered the hallway Xander was sitting in, "You’re going to stop trying to talk Buffy into letting you in the room and go out front to take some pictures."

"Didn’t we hire a photographer for that?" Xander asked while looking up at his oldest friend.

He heard Buffy laugh through the door and he pouted as Willow put on her resolve face.

Xander had no choice, so he pushed himself off the floor and shuffled down the hall…

**

But now it was different. They were smiling and laughing before, not crying and looking ahead with glazed red eyes.

He remembered finally seeing Buffy wearing a white, satiny, flowing gown, and walking towards him like she was floating; not tired, worn, and looking exceptionally pale in contrast to the floor length black dress she was wearing at present.

She didn’t look like his Buffy.

Xander took a deep breath, reveling in the scent that was uniquely Buffy, something that he had never been able to pinpoint. He brushed his hand over the hair that had fallen on her shoulder.

Xander watched as she blinked slowly and then turned her head slightly in his direction for a split second. "Buffy." Xander whispered, moving to the front of the pew, still kneeling, to face her.

He gently brought his left hand up and ran it down her shoulder and along her forearm, noting the ragged breaths she was taking. "I’m not dead," he said softly. Xander watched Buffy start to shake slightly and he continued, "I’m right here, Buff. It’s ok."

Xander brought his hands up to cup her face lightly. Buffy exhaled a deep breath and shut her eyes as fresh tears started to fall. Xander gently ran his fingers through her hair and then caressed her cheek, using his thumbs to wipe away her tears, lightly tracing over the fading evidence of her broken nose. He noticed that all the signs of the battle she wore in the hospital that night were fading. She wasn’t even wearing a cast anymore and where he remembered seeing a bloody gash was now nothing more than a scratch.

Xander traced his thumb lightly over her lips while staring into her eyes, noticing how they were darting almost nervously around the room. "I’m right here, Honey. I’m not going anywhere, I’ll never leave you," he whispered again.

Buffy’s eyes seemed to lock on his and Xander’s breath hitched in his throat at that pain he saw within them. She swallowed deeply and Xander moved so that their faces were mere centimeters apart as he breathed in her breath.

"I’ll never leave you," He repeated as Buffy’s eyes closed again and he moved slowly to close the distance between their lips.

Suddenly Buffy’s eyes snapped open and she turned her head to the side. Xander stopped and dropped his head at her action. "Buffy," he pleaded. "I love you."

"Buffy." Xander heard Angel’s quiet, solemn voice beckon HIS wife. Xander raised his eyes to watch Angel reach out his hand and rest it on Buffy’s shoulder, his other moving under her forearm to pull her to her feet.

Buffy rose slowly, never taking her eyes off the casket in the front of the room. Xander got to his feet and moved to face his wife again, but instead he found himself watching the vampire rest his hand against the small of Buffy’s back as he turned her to lead her out of the emptying church.

Xander watched in disbelief as Angel guided Buffy down the aisle, like a twisted version of his own worst nightmare, until they reached Giles. Xander smiled to himself as he realized that the sun was shining brightly outside and smirked when Angel relinquished his hold on Buffy to Giles so that she could be led outside. Xander watched the vampire wait until the church was empty and then lift a heavy rug that covered a drain in the foyer of the church so that he could slip into the sewers.

He saw Jenny moving behind him out of the corner of his eye. "Do you believe me now?" she asked when he didn’t turn to face her. Xander didn’t answer, but instead turned his gaze to one of the pamphlets that was left in a pew. It had his picture on it. Written in script below it was:

In Loving Memory of

Alexander Lavelle Harris

October 11, 1980 – June 9, 2006

Jenny followed his line of vision while waiting for an answer. All she got was Xander running out of the church in Buffy’s direction.

Title: When You Win (20a/?)

July 13, 2006 ~ One month later ~

Xander sat on the couch in his living room and watched her.

Buffy had assured her mother that everything alright and despite the adamant protest she received she left the house on Revello Drive for the first time that month. As far as Xander knew, this was the first time Buffy had been in their home overnight since the fight. She had only come over before with Dawn and Willow to pick up some clothes before going to Joyce’s’.

Xander had been sitting and watching Buffy for the last three hours as she sat on the floor in the corner of the now dark room surrounded by old photos. She had broken down as soon as she opened the door and rummaging through a decade of old pictures hadn’t helped.

So he watched her sob quietly against the wall while clutching their wedding portrait to her chest.

Xander silently debated going to sit next to her and trying to offer comfort, he had never been able to just sit and watch her cry. But he decided against it since every time he touched her or spoke to her she would get hysterical. She would scream and fight anyone who tried to touch her. He remembered seeing Giles get a black eye for his efforts.

It must have scared Joyce as much as it did him because she had forced Buffy into therapy directly after that incident. Xander would never figure out how she had forced the Slayer to do anything, but he was glad that she had. Not that it mattered all that much. Now Buffy would just take pills before she cried herself to sleep.

In fact, Xander had noticed that the most Buffy would talk was when she was having a fit. He thought back to the week of their anniversary. Buffy hadn’t left her room, let alone said a word to anyone. It made him almost glad when she was crying because it was the only time he could tell that she was really alive.

Xander sighed as he pushed himself off the couch and glanced at Buffy before making his way upstairs. He walked into their dark room and looked around. It looked exactly the same as it did the night of the fight down to their discarded pajamas that were scattered on the floor.

"She’s not taking this well." Jenny stated, gliding into the room behind Xander, adding more light. He figured that she had just gotten there, she had a habit of sneaking up on him.

"‘Not well’. And the award for the understatement of the year goes to…" he responded dryly while sitting down on his side of the bed. "I mean, I wasn’t expecting her to be skipping and singing, but she’s…"

"Dying." Jenny interrupted him.

Xander glared at her. "I just want MY Buffy back."

"You don’t have a Buffy anymore." Jenny stated simply, "And if you ever want her back you have to leave. She can’t move on with you here. And if she can’t move on she’ll…"

"She’ll what? Die. Buffy’ll die if I don’t leave."

"Simply put."

"If I disappear there’ll be no coming back. I promised her that I’d never leave her."

"You didn’t disappear Xander, you only died. You’ll see Buffy again if you let her finish living." Jenny said in a steady voice.

Xander only sighed and laid back on his pillow.

"She can hear you," Jenny continued, "let her hear you say good bye and then walk away."

"Oh yeah? That’s all I have to do… Just say goodbye and walk away. That should be easy considering THAT I’VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO JUST WALK AWAY FROM HER EVER IN MY LIFE!" Xander said in a loudly sarcastic voice. "What was I thinking, trying to help the woman I love."

"And you think you’re helping her? When people take antidepressants after a conversation with you, they’re better off not talking with you, right?" Jenny said, starting to get angry. "Look, I’m just saying…"

"I know what you’re saying." Xander interrupted, "You’re telling me to leave her and I’ve never been able to do that. Ever. I don’t plan on starting now."

"You’re unbelievably selfish. If you loved her as much as you claim you would…"

"I would what. Don’t question how much I love her. You don’t know me, you don’t know us." Xander said in a dangerously low voice.

"You shouldn’t interrupt people so much." Jenny commented calmly while eyeing him on the bed. "I know you hate what I’m saying but I…" she was stopped short as the bedroom light flicked on.

Jenny turned and Xander sat up to see Buffy standing in the doorway surveying the room, still gripping the wedding photo.

"You should leave." Jenny stated simply while gliding out of the room.

Xander ignored her and instead crawled across the unmade bed to Buffy’s side and watched as she shuffled slowly into the room.

Buffy lay the picture down beside Xander and let her fingers trail slowly down the glass of the frame before she bent to pick up Xander’s old flannel pants from the floor.

Xander studied the woman in the photo compared to the one who was now changing into his old clothes. Her once clear green eyes were now puffy and red, her hair was longer then usual and was uncharacteristically stringy, and she had lost so much weight that her own clothes didn’t even fit her anymore.

He watched Buffy pull the drawstring so the pants all the way on the pants and still have to physically hold them up as she retrieved the picture and carried it to the desk on Xander’s side of the room.

Buffy opened the top desk drawer and took out a small leather bound notebook that Giles had given her for Christmas one year. He had said it was so she could record the events of her patrols, since she rarely reported back to him. But Buffy never did. Xander knew that she didn’t keep journals anymore, she had said that she stopped doing that the summer after she sent Angel to Hell. She hated to write things down. But now she sat at the desk writing in the journal for the first time.

Xander slid off the bed and crept to her right side where he knelt and watched as her shaky hand scrawled her word onto the paper.

-Journal-

My shrink told me to start writing in you. That’s the only reason I am. They’re all starting to think that I’m crazy, just because I won’t talk to them. They don’t understand that I’ve got nothing left to say, and if I did they wouldn’t understand anyway. How can I explain what’s going on with me when I don’t even know. I don’t know anything anymore really, except that it was my fault. That I failed him in ever way imaginable; I let him die. I let his child die. I destroyed his life. My ‘doctor’ says that I blame myself, but how could I not. I mean that’s an easy judgement call for her, she doesn’t have to live my life. She just sits there in that chair dissecting me, studying me, judging me, pretending to understand why I can’t even breathe anymore. She wasn’t there when I let him die. Let him die. They keep saying that ‘Xander died’ and correct me when I say differently. To me it’s more like ‘when I got him killed’ because that’s what happened, I killed Xander. The ‘Xander died’ line is just a ploy, they want to forget. They want me to forget, that’s what this is about. They want ‘their Buffy’ back. He’s already their past… --

Xander glanced up at her as her tears fell onto the pages, smearing the black ink. "I’m right here, Buffy. You don’t have to forget." he said while moving his hand to rest over hers, noticing the silver bracelet that was still attached to her wrist.

Buffy shut her eyes when she heard his voice again and Xander noticed her arm shaking under his hand. "Write this for me, Buff." he said taking a deep breath. "This is Xander." he said as Buffy’s hand moved shakily over the paper.

--THSS ANDER—

Xander looked up at Buffy who was staring at what she had just written with tears in her eyes. "I still exist," he continued. He noticed Buffy’s shaking hand as it was poised above the paper. "Please Buffy. Write it." he pleaded while re-concentrating n his hand, and repeating. " I still exist."

--I STL XST—

Xander smiled down at the page and then up at Buffy, but his smile faded when he saw the look in her eyes. He jumped back as Buffy let out a feral scream. "NOOOOOO!!!!!" she wailed as she tore the page from the journal and shredded it. "NO!!" Buffy screamed again as she jumped form the seat and turned to grab the chair, throwing it against the opposite wall where it broke and shattered around the room. "You’re not here!" she sobbed grabbing the photo from the desk, "You’re not! You never will be again!" she repeated throwing it against the wall where the glass in the frame shattered before the photo hit the ground.

Xander sat and watched as Buffy ransacked the room, flinching at the sounds of the furniture being broken and her sobbing screams. "I can’t do this anymore." Buffy said in a shaky voice as she backed out of the room, "I can’t."

Xander stood up to follow her, but by the time he reached the steps he heard the front door slam closed, leaving him in the dark house alone.

End Part 20a

Title: When You Win (20b/?)

"That went well." Jenny commented to Xander when he stepped onto the porch. Xander ignored the comment and jumped down the steps, surveying the street for any sing of Buffy. "I have to find her." he said while turning to face Jenny, who had moved to sit on the steps.

"Why?" she asked simply.

"What do you mean ‘why’? Xander snapped, "She’s hysterical. She’ll get herself killed."

Jenny regarded him for a moment, "And that wouldn’t be better then her slowly being driven insane by the ghost of her husband?"

Xander narrowed his eyes at his former teacher, not liking at all how insensitive she was being about this whole situation, "Look, I want this to be over as much as you do, if not more. I’ve hated watching her like this for the last month…"

"I got how much you hate this by the way you’ve insisted on haunting her and all. Must be tearing you up inside." Jenny smirked.

Xander felt something inside him snap at that comment and he shut his eyes to keep the building rage at bay. "I hate that she feels this way because of me, but I can’t leave. I wish that I could, but I can’t. Not now, I can’t leave her like this."

"You seem to think that if you just pretend that you’re still living and breathing that it’ll actually happen again." Jenny shot at him. "You think that if you wish it hard enough, your eyes will open and you’ll wake up in bed with your arms around her, AND THAT WON’T HAPPEN. You’re dead Xander. You’re gone."

"Just tell me which way she went before something happens to her." Xander whispered.

"You couldn’t stop it if it did. And personally. I wish something would just put her out of her misery, end her quicker than you’re doing it." Jenny knew she was being harsh, but she needed to get the point across now, before Xander got his wife killed.

"I’m going to find her," Xander said in a low voice, "but if you’d help me I’d get done quicker…we could leave sooner."

Jenny looked at his defeated form as he stood at the base of the steps, "She ran that way." Jenny answered pointing to an area to the left of the house. "Maple Hill’s that way isn’t it?" she stated more than asked.

Xander knew why Buffy would go there, it was where he was buried; Buffy went up there everyday. He took off in a sprint towards the cemetery, hoping that she would be alright, at least physically. Buffy was in no condition to have to fight any creature of the night, and having a weak Slayer in a cemetery at midnight was like baiting a hook.

Xander reached the main gate of the cemetery and noticed that it was pushed open a crack, but it was still enough space for him to squeeze through. He tread up the familiar pathway to the top of the hill and looked to his right. He saw Buffy, still clad in his pajamas kneeling on front of his granite headstone, just like he had seen her do everyday since his funeral.

He was thankful that he didn’t see any demons lurking around, because if one attacked Buffy would almost surely lose. "I can’t leave her here." Xander whispered, sensing Jenny’s presence behind him on the path.

"If you wanted to you could." Jenny answered tiredly, "When you’re ready to stop hurting her, you’ll leave."

"I never want to hurt her." Xander whispered more to himself than to Jenny before he plodded onto the grass and walked slowly towards Buffy.

When he reached her he knelt beside her and stared at her face, doing his best to take in her features in the dark night. He remembered how she used to shine at night, and noted how that was not the case anymore. Xander watched as she traced her fingers lightly over his name as it was engraved in the stone.

"I’m so sorry." she whispered shakily.

"It’s not your fault." Xander answered in the same tone while bringing his hand up to brush some of her loose hair behind her ear.

At his first touch Buffy let loose the loudest, most blood curdling scream he had ever heard as she pushed herself away from his grave. He sat back on the ground as her crying and screaming continued and watched her curl up on her side on the ground.

Xander stayed a good distance away from Buffy until she quieted down, even though she didn’t move from the position in the dirt. He stayed there watching her until dawn broke, the only sounds breaking the silence being Buffy’s occasional choked sobs.

As the sky lit up Xander rose to his feet and looked around. Even though he couldn’t protect her, he couldn’t just leave her in a cemetery at night. Not at night, but now he would.

He looked behind him and saw Jenny appear on the pathway. "I don’t want to hurt her." He called to out to her.

"Then don’t." Jenny answered.

"What do I do?" Xander asked.

"Walked with me." Jenny responded, reaching out her hand to him.

Xander slowly walked up to her and stared at her outstretched hand. He cast a look at Buffy who was still curled up on the ground and whispered, "I love you," before turning to look Jenny in the eyes. Xander tentatively reached out his hand and grasped her firmly and the world faded from around him.

End Part 20b

Title: When You Win (20c/?)

"I guess I have to take what I can get." Xander said quietly, turning his gaze to the sky. His lips cracked into a smile as he heard a squawk and a pelican sliced through the blue sky.

End Part 20c

Title: When You Win (20d/?)

Joyce raced down the hospital corridor reliving in her mind the last time she had done the exact same thing. Only this time it was 8 AM, and she had been woken by a call from the hospital. "I’m looking for Buffy Harris. She was bought in this morning." Joyce said as calmly as she could.

Joyce waited patiently while the nurse at the station typed in the information, "Room 715. Seventh floor on the left side of the hall." came the reply.

"Thank you," Joyce said as she walked towards the elevator. <I knew it was a mistake to let her walk out of that door last night> she chastised herself, <She could’ve gotten herself killed>

She walked slowly into room 715 and immediately saw Buffy. She had no roommate so the dividing curtain was open, and the TV wasn’t on. There was dead silence in the room and Joyce knew that Buffy had to be able to hear her footsteps on the linoleum floor.

Buffy made no movements except for steady shallow breathing as Joyce moved to stand in front of her. Buffy was laying on her side staring out of the open curtain to the right of her bed.

"Do you want to tell me what happened Buffy?" Joyce whispered in the manner she did when Buffy was a child. She always recalled those answers being ‘Jason pulled my hair’ or ‘Beth took Mr. Gordo’, they were always problems that Joyce could fix. Now she got no answer.

Joyce pulled a chair up to her daughter’s bedside and took a seat, "Buffy, I can’t help you unless you talk to me." She still got no answer so she continued, "I shouldn’t have let you go back to that house last night. You aren’t ready."

Buffy merely blinked.

"She’s not talkative." A new voice sounded into the room, "You wouldn’t believe how long it took to find out her name."

"It feels horrible that I’m getting used to it." Joyce smiled sadly, moving her hand to run her finger through Buffy’s hair.

"Dr. Foster recognized her, so we were able to access her charts. I’m Dr. Gordon, you can call me Tom."

"Joyce." She identified herself before turning her attention back to Buffy.

"A groundskeeper found her sleeping in the grass in a cemetery." Tom said.

"Maple Hill." Joyce said more than asked.

"Yeah. She wasn’t talking so…"

"Can I take her home now?" Joyce interrupted the young doctor.

"Yeah. Yeah." He nodded, not pressing the subject, "Just get her to eat something okay, but other than that she’s free to go."

"Thank you." She said, moving to the closet next to the window to get Buffy’s clothes.

-- 20 minutes later --

There was dead silence in the car as Joyce drove Buffy home. Every so often she would cast a quick glance at her daughter as she sat looking straight ahead with glazed eyes. She looked incredibly small in the oversized tee shirt and pants that Joyce had found in the hospital closet.

She knew that they had belonged to Xander. "I don’t know what to do Buffy." Joyce exasperated, "You don’t talk, you don’t eat, you don’t sleep. I don’t even know if you’re there anymore." She waited for Buffy to respond, but she didn’t. "I need you to talk to me, Honey. It’ll help if you just get everything out. I know that you hate talking about things… especially like this, but you have to. You won’t be doing this alone if you let me in…let somebody in."

Buffy still said nothing.

"We all miss you. We all understand…we all loved Xander." Joyce watched as Buffy’s chin began to tremble and her eyes widened in an attempt to fight back her tears.

"You don’t understand." Buffy whispered in a choked voice.

Joyce gasped at her daughters words, surprised that they had been given willingly, "So then explain it to me Buffy. I want to know."

"I…I can’t not be with him. I love him." was all Buffy said.

"We all did."

"I still do. He…" Buffy trailed off and retreated back into herself, resuming her trance.

Joyce cursed to herself as the conversation, or what was beginning to be the first conversation she had had with her daughter in a month ended. "I want you to talk to Dr. Webber today then. Joyce spoke of the psychologist.

"Take me home." Buffy responded.

"I am." Joyce answered as she turned onto Revello Drive.

"My home. Alex’s home." Buffy said, her voice growing louder.

"Buffy, I want you to move back in with myself and Dawn…"

"I want to go home."

"That house isn’t healthy for you. And with you not working and Xander gone…"

"Let me out." Buffy interrupted, pulling at the door handle.

"I can’t afford two homes, plus your doctor bills…"

"LET ME OUT NOW!" Buffy shrieked as she punched the passenger side window hard, causing a spider web crack to form.

Joyce flinched at the sound of the strike and slammed on the breaks while Buffy struggled to unlock her door. "You think that I’m crazy!" Buffy yelled as she forced all of her diminishing weight against the car door.

"Look at how you’ve been acting!" Joyce yelled back as she started driving again, trying to get down the rest of the street to her home.

"You’re trying to force me out of my home! The only thing I have left! You probably want to lock me up! You know you do! You’ve all planned this!" Buffy continued yelling while Joyce pulled into the driveway.

"We’re not planing anything, Buffy. Please… We just want you back. I want you back. You’re alive…Xander wouldn’t want you to be living like this." Joyce pleaded as Buffy stopped her struggle.

She held her until Buffy pulled away, her eyes puffy and red, her long hair matted to her face, held there by the tears that had streamed down only moments earlier. Joyce let her go to open her door and then ran around the front of the car to Buffy’s. She opened it and prepared to help her out of the car, but Buffy didn’t accept it.

She got out of the car on her own and stood, surveying the street that she’d moved away from two and a half years ago. It wasn’t her home anymore. Buffy turned to look at her mother, who was reaching out to guide her into the house and stepped back.

She turned and sprinted down the sidewalk as fast as her overly baggy pants would allow, leaving her mother standing in the driveway. Buffy needed to get back to her home, to face whatever was there, and if it broke her…she welcomed it.

End Part 20d

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