Series: Homecomings
Title: Welcome Home, Buffy
Author: Gileswench
Contact: gileswench@yahoo.com
Date: 1/24/02
Spoilers: Through Dead Man's Party
Summary: What if, when Buffy came back after running away, Giles was the first person she went to?
Rating: R for language, sexual references, mention of David Bowie
Pairing: Buffy/Giles mention of B/A
Category: Angst/pastfic
Distribution: If you've had my permission in the past, you have it now. All others, ask and ye shall receive.
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome. Praise abjectly sought.

Disclaimer: It all belongs to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc., etc., etc. I just let them have all the fun Joss won't. I own nothing except my twisted mind which you really don't want. Please don't sue.

Note: Yes, there will be a sequel. More likely two. I promise.

Dedication: To Adam who is no longer in the fandom, but unleashed this particular plotbunny on me almost a year ago. I finally managed to write it down.

* * * * * * * * * *

A girl sat alone on a Greyhound bus headed for Sunnydale. She looked small and wary. The one guy who had tried to sit near her quickly changed his mind at the threat implied in her eyes. This one made it clear that she not only wanted to be alone, but that she could make sure she was left that way. She was just a kid, but her expression belonged to someone much older, much more experienced in life's harsh edges than a teenager ought to be.

When she was sure she would be left unmolested, Buffy's eyes softened and she looked out the window. The freeway slid past in a blur of streetlights and billboards. Buffy didn't see them.

In her head she played out dozens of scenarios, each more upsetting than the last. She quickly moved from scenes in which one of her friends died because of her unscheduled jaunt to LA for the summer, to ones in which they had all been turned and she would be forced to kill them, just like she'd had to kill Angel. What if her mother still didn't want her to come home? What if Willow had been hurt by something horrible she could have stopped? What if Giles - ?

She stopped her mind in its tracks.

Nothing would have happened to Giles. He would be okay.

He had to be.

And then there was the matter of that murder rap hanging over her head. If it still was.

Life in Sunnydale had been unbearable for months before she ran away. Between Angel's turning, her guilt over it being her fault, Miss Calendar's death, Angel stalking her, her mother finding out she'd slept with Angel, she'd had far more than her share of problems even before the fatal last night.

That night played through her head again, as it had at least ten times a day and in repeated dreams at night ever since it happened. Kendra's death. Willow's terrible injury. Giles' kidnapping and torture. Xander's fury and eventual support. The desperation that led her to make a deal with the devil...or at least Spike who was much the same thing in her book. Letting Drusilla get away so she could make sure Giles at least survived the experience. Being outed as the Slayer to her mother, and being told not to come home again.

Killing Angel. Really Angel. Not the monster that had worn his face since her fateful birthday.

And always the sight in her mind of Giles. She'd understood for a very long time that he was as much in her keeping as she was in his. She'd let him down. Again. Because of her, he'd been tortured for hours.

She thought again of watching her friends just before she left town. Willow in a wheelchair. Xander with his wrist in a cast. And Giles, poor Giles, the long, delicately strong fingers of his left hand splintered. She wondered again how he'd made it through the summer with only his right hand to get him through the day. The one with the slightly short, thin fingers that he tried so hard not to display if he could help it. It would have been bad enough if he was just a lefty, but his right hand didn't have the strength and dexterity to handle everything.

She didn't want to think of what other horrors Angelus might have visited on him. The hand was bad enough.

If only Willow had managed to do the spell earlier, so much of it could have been avoided.

If only Willow hadn't done the spell at all, it would have been easier to kill Angelus. Her feelings would be less of a muddle.

It wasn't that Buffy regretted saving the world. Wasn't that in the job description? Wanted: teenage girl to give her life for the good of humanity. No pay, no perks, no choice. Crap dental plan.

No, saving the world was the right thing to do, even if it meant killing the man she loved to do it.

But what about the other man she loved and what it had done to him?

Buffy wasn't sure when she'd started seeing her Watcher this way. All she knew was that her feelings for him were looking more and more like the ones she had for Angel.

There had always been rumors, ever since the first day they met. People had seen him half pin her against the wall in the hallway at school. Others had seen them standing together, barely enough room to wedge a slip of paper between them at The Bronze later that night.

Plus there was the way she spent more time in the library than all her classes combined. Stories flew through the school about what the strange grunting and moaning noises that emanated from the room after school let out really meant. Some people even claimed to have seen the pair wandering around some of the local graveyards after dark.

Buffy had gotten used to the misinterpretations, the tasteless jokes, the crude drawings stuffed in her locker. She'd even seen some commiserating looks from a few girls when it became obvious that Giles was seeing Miss Calendar off campus as well as on.

Back then, Buffy was disgusted by, but resigned to, the idea that others would inflict their gross personal problems on her that way. Couldn't they see that Giles was like a million years old and a total tweed dinosaur? Nice, sure, but stuffy and unkempt and in no way as interesting as a star athlete or a Brad Pitt lookalike. Besides, there was always Angel.

Until there wasn't.

It wasn't even as if she could ever have had Angel, really. Even if Willow had performed the spell before Angelus had pulled the sword from Acathla, she would have had to give him up. She understood that. They were too intense together. It was one thing when she'd been a virgin, when she hadn't known what she was missing. Now she knew exactly what she was missing and she couldn't help wanting it.

But most of all, she wanted what she hadn't had. She wanted to wake up next to the man who'd made her feel cherished, precious, loved. She wanted to have the feeling last into the next day, and perhaps for a lifetime.

Angel couldn't give her that.

No ordinary high school boy could either.

Buffy was pulled from her reverie when the bus drew to a stop at the Sunnydale bus depot.

End of the line.

A phrase which had taken on so many new meanings in such a short time.

By the time Buffy worked up the nerve to pick up her bag and start down the aisle, the rest of the passengers had already left. It was late and the station was nearly deserted. A few winos and nutjobs huddled in the warmth of the shelter they'd found. A very few people waited to take the next bus out of town.

A piece of Buffy's heart sank; that little piece of her had been certain someone would be keeping a nightly vigil for her return. It joined the rest of said organ in the toes of her shoes.

"Then again," she muttered to herself, "why would any of them want to see me?"

There was no answer forthcoming, and no reason to stay at the depot. She shrugged her bag a bit more securely onto her shoulder and went out into the night.

She wasn't ready to go home, yet. As much as she wanted to run to her mother and be held like a little girl, she wasn't sure she'd be welcomed. Willow? Not until she was sure the wheelchair had been a temporary thing; that she hadn't been responsible for crippling her best friend for life. Xander? Yeah. No matter how happy he might be to see her, there would be recriminations first thing from him. She wasn't ready to face them no matter how well deserved. Oz? Cordelia? Now she was just grasping at straws.

Besides, she knew who she had to see first. Even before she'd worked it out consciously, her feet were headed for Oakpark Street.

It never occurred to her that Giles might be asleep. Always, no matter what time she'd arrived on his doorstep, he'd been there and awake. It was almost as if the man never needed sleep. SuperGiles, she thought with a giggle. Right. A superhero with a tweed cape and an endless supply of dusty, musty books to fight off the villains.

Usually, it worked, too.

Not last time. Not when Buffy herself had been responsible for unleashing destruction on them.

Her feet came to a halt outside his door.

There were no lights visible, but she felt sure she wouldn't wake him.

Now if she could just be sure he wanted to see her as much as she wanted to see him.

As she stood lost in indecision her brain manufactured a dozen different ways the scene might play out. Would he slam the door in her face or bring her in? Once inside, would he make tea and comfort her, or would he berate her for hours with his massive vocabulary and stinging sarcasm? Would he make up the sofa for her to sleep on or take her up to the loft where he had his bed? Would he turn her out into the night cursing her and praying a vampire would end his wretched ties to her?

Which did she want him to do?

She raised her hand and put it back down by her side a dozen times before she worked up the nerve to give a tiny rap on the door.

She rolled her eyes at herself.

"Yeah, he's gonna come running for that"

She squared her shoulders and knocked again, a bit harder this time.

A moment later, she saw a light go on in the upper reaches of the apartment. She took a deep breath and parted her feet in unconscious mimicry of her battle stance. Her heart pounded at the sound of every soft footstep padding down the stairs and to the door.

At last the cover slid back on the peephole and a pair of green eyes stared out in shock.

It felt like forever to Buffy before the door was wrenched open and Giles stood before her. His eyes swept her form greedily. She was well and whole and standing before him. Unless it was another of the dreams that taunted him until he could barely sleep at all anymore.

"Buffy...?" he breathed.

"Hey, Giles," she offered nervously. "I'm back"

Her eyes stung and she could see Giles blinking back a suspicious moisture, too. She launched herself into his arms and gave in at last to the tears she had kept inside all summer long. For his part, Giles wrapped her in a protective embrace and ushered her in the door. He led her to the sofa and sat her down, never breaking contact with her. Somehow he managed to whisper words of soothing nonsense around the giant lump that had formed in his throat.

It was a long time before her shuddering breaths began to steady themselves and Giles became aware that he really ought to have put something on over his pajamas. Besides which the shirt had been very nearly soaked through. He tried to pull back a bit, but Buffy refused to let go.

"It's alright, Buffy," he assured her. "I just want to get you a handkerchief"

"But you aren't going anywhere, right? You're not gonna call my mom?"

"I promise I'll be right back. Haven't you called your mum yet?"

Buffy shook her head and sniffled again.

"I couldn't. Not yet. Please don't call her"

Giles nodded. He had the sense that he was dealing with a half wild animal. One wrong move and she'd bolt again. He couldn't bear that, not when she'd come back to him. He got the handkerchief as promised, plus a spare or two in case of further tears, and pulled on a robe.

"What of the others? Have you been in contact with them yet?"

Buffy shook her head miserably again and blew her nose emphatically. Somehow that one thing made Giles sure this was no dream. Dreams never included such unromantic details.

"Alright," he told her. "It's okay. We won't call anyone until you're ready"

Buffy bestowed a watery, wavering smile on him.

"Thanks. I - I'm just not ready to see anyone else yet. I had to see you first"

Unsure what else to say, Giles fell back on his old standard.

"Well, I'll make us some tea, then, shall I? And we can talk a bit"

She nodded silently, not trusting her voice at that point. Tea was such a comforting, Giles thing to suggest. She'd missed this so much. After so many weeks of taking care of herself or not being cared for at all, it was nice to sink back into dependence, if only for a little while.

As Giles pottered around in his tiny kitchen making tea with shaking hands he gave several unromantic sniffles himself. He'd missed Buffy more than he'd ever dared say, and not just because it left the Hellmouth Slayerless, either. When one Slayer is gone, another is called to take her place. Evil would be fought regardless. But Buffy, Buffy was irreplaceable.

He knew what his colleagues on the Council would say. To care too much for one's Slayer personally was grounds for dismissal, he knew. Well the Council was all the way across the Atlantic ocean and they could kiss his arse, anyway. Kendra had been raised steeped in Slayer lore and the Council's ways. She'd been talented and brave.

And she'd lasted barely a year.

He truly hoped that he and Buffy were not the only ones who mourned her.

Giles pulled himself together with a small shake of his head. He placed everything in an orderly fashion on the tray and carried it out to where Buffy sat waiting for him.

"I was about to come in there and make sure you hadn't gotten lost," she observed wryly.

"No, I managed to find my way through the labyrinth somehow," he returned with a smile.

"Never knew you like David Bowie movies"

"Actually, I was referring to the classical Greek myth"

Buffy accepted a cup of tea from him and added several spoonfuls of sugar. Giles pursed his lips and added just one to his cup.

"Don't look at me like that, mister," Buffy chided him. "You put milk in yours"

It was surprising to both of them how quickly they fell into their old patterns once they were together. A cup of tea and things felt almost normal again. The only difference Buffy could immediately identify was the way she wanted to be held again. She put her cup down suddenly.

"Giles, can I stay here tonight?"

He looked at her in surprise.

"Don't you want to go home?"

"Not yet. I can't. Tomorrow. Please? I just need tonight"

"Will you call your mother?"

"No, but I'll go there first thing in the morning. Please. I really, really need this"

He considered for a moment. Buffy could see his warring priorities shift in his eyes. At last he nodded.

"Alright. It is very late. I suppose a few more hours won't hurt. But right after breakfast I'm taking you to your mother's. Agreed?"

"Gotcha. Thanks, Giles"

Buffy picked up her teacup again and sipped the comforting drink. It braced her to ask the questions she needed answered.

"Giles, is everybody okay?" she blurted out. "I mean, Slayerettes all present and accounted for and stuff?"

"Yes. We all made it through the summer relatively intact. Willow made a tremendous recovery from her injuries. We've missed you, of course, and been terribly worried about you, but we all made it through"

"You must be so mad at me"

"No. I'm not mad at you, Buffy. I of all people have no right to question what you did"

"You mean because you ran away once, too?"

"Precisely. I was also older, more experienced, and under far less real pressure than you"

"So what made you run, anyway?"

"I beg your pardon?" he sputtered.

"You heard. What made you run?"

"If you must know, it was a miserable love affair that fell apart on me. And, no, I shan't be giving you any details. It was quite bad enough to live through without telling you about it"

"Wow. Y'know, I used to think we had absolutely nothing in common. We're practically twins"

"I suppose that's one way of looking at it"

They drank their tea in silence for a while. At last the silence prompted Buffy to fill it before her thoughts got too involved again.

"So everything is of the good?"

"To what everything do you refer?"

"My friends. They're all okay?"

"I told you they are"

"And...the police...?"

"Are only looking for you because you ran away"

"But Kendra...they thought I killed her"

"There were several eyewitness accounts to contradict that theory. Xander, Willow, Cordelia and I were all able to assure them you were nowhere near the scene when she was killed"

Buffy stared at the dregs in her teacup.

"And that's how they got her. I wasn't there"

Giles reached out and turned Buffy's face to his with his left hand. The fingers were warm and strong. Buffy tried to drop her eyes, but he lifted her chin and spoke in a quiet, almost hypnotic voice that she couldn't ignore.

"You couldn't have known. Others, just as brave and strong as you, have faced Angelus and gotten killed for their trouble. You survived. Almost all of us did. And Kendra...she died fighting for the right, for good. I wish she'd lived. I wish she could be here to welcome you home. But she did what she had to do. So did you. You mustn't blame yourself"

"How can I not? It's all my fault she's dead. If I hadn't slept with Angel he'd never have lost his soul, and then he'd never have gotten Acathla, and Drusilla wouldn't have come to kidnap you, and Kendra wouldn't have been killed. No matter how you slice it, it's my fault"

"Really? What about Angel? Did he never try to discover the exact terms of his curse? In nearly two hundred fifty years of existence did he never learn to resist the advances of a teenage girl? As for me....as soon as you told me Angel was a vampire, I ought to have put my foot down and sent him away or staked him myself. I just...I wanted you to have something. Something that at least bordered on the normal. A boyfriend seemed such a little thing to allow you. And he was so helpful. As for...as for Jenny.."

Buffy laid a hand gently on his arm.

"She didn't have all the facts, either. If she was still here, I'd owe her a big apology"

"I'm not looking for an apology, Buffy," Giles told her gently. "I just want you to understand that nothing is as simple as it seems from the outside. Every one of us brought something to the mess. We all have our part of the blame to share. And we all did the best we could with the situation as it developed out of our various actions and inactions"

"So we all goofed and that lets me off the hook? Nice try, but I'm not buying it"

Giles let out an exasperated breath and dropped his hand from her face.

"Are you that determined to play the martyr?"

"I'm that determined to get real"

Giles ran a hand over his face and his shoulders began to shake. Buffy felt her heart tense up until she realized he was laughing in his silent fashion rather than crying.

"Lord but I missed you, Buffy!"

"Great to know my guilt is such a crack up," she huffed unconvincingly.

Giles sobered instantly.

"It isn't a crack up, really. It's just...when you stick to your own opinion despite all logical evidence to the contrary, I know it's real. You're back"

"And that's funny?"

"It's a relief"

Buffy nodded sagely.

"So relief equals gigglefest. Has anyone told you lately what a weird person you are?"

Giles grinned back at her.

"Show some respect for your elders, young lady"

"Make me"

"You know Slayers are meant to listen to their Watchers"

"So sue me. Whose fault is it I never saw the manual?"

"Would you ever have read it? I don't believe there is a Cliff's Notes version"

As they sniped affectionately at one another they cleared away the teatray to the kitchen. Teacups and teapot went into the sink and were rinsed. The sugar bowl was placed on the counter. The leftover milk returned to the refrigerator. When they were done, they faced one another.

"Bedtime, I think," Giles told her softly. "It's been a long night and you have an even longer day ahead of you tomorrow"

Buffy's gaze dropped to the floor. She began to twist her fingers together nervously.

"My mom...I don't know...if she doesn't want me to come home, can I stay here?"

"She wants you home, Buffy"

"How do you know?"

"I've spoken with her - several times. She loves you"

"She told me not to come home"

"She was angry and frightened, Buffy. We all do things we regret in times of stress"

"Yeah. I guess we do"

"Shall I make up the sofa for you, or are you going to commandeer my bed?" Giles joked.

"I hate to tell you this, Giles, but your sofa's lumpy. I'll take the bed"

"Alright, I'll take my lumps on the sofa"

"No, Giles, I can't throw you out of your own bed"

"But you just said..."

"It's a big bed. There's...um...there's room for two, isn't there?"

Giles stared at Buffy for a long moment. At last he blinked hard and pushed away from the counter where he'd been leaning.

"I don't think that would be appropriate," he said gently.

Buffy dropped her gaze and spoke softly.

"And Angel was?"

"You mean you want....Buffy, we can't. It wouldn't be right"

"But I want it. And you'd...I'd know...you could tell me.."

"Tell you what?"

Buffy shrugged.

"Angel left. He never told me...if I was any good"

Giles sighed deeply and rubbed the back of his neck. The next words he said might make all the difference between whether she stayed or left again.

"I think...you must have been good"

"What makes you say that?"

"Because, while...sex...is an enjoyable activity, it's rarely a...transcendent one. Angel's curse stated that his soul would be lost if he experienced true happiness, and true happiness is a far rarer thing than most people are willing to believe. You and he loved one another, I know, but it takes a bit more than that to make the - the act that good. And assuming...well...if it was...if you hadn't.."

"Breathe, Giles. And no, I - I hadn't...before. With anyone"

Giles nodded and took a deep breath as instructed.

"I think it would be safe to assume, then, that you're a natural, as it were. You don't need me to do this"

"But I want it. With you"

"Buffy.." he began.

"Really, Giles, I do. And not just because of the disaster that was Angel, either. I want to do this with you because I can't stop thinking about you. You've never let me down, Giles. Please don't start now"

"This isn't a matter of letting you down, Buffy. It's about right and wrong. To do this would be wrong, for both of us. Please try to understand that"

"Why? Am I not pretty enough? Is that it?"

"No, Buffy, you're a lovely girl. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you"

"Then why don't you want me?"

Giles swiped a stray tear from Buffy's cheek with his fingertip. He tried again.

"How old am I?"

"Huh?"

"How old do you think I am, Buffy?"

"What does that.."

"Just answer the question, please"

Buffy shrugged her shoulders.

"I don't really know. Maybe forty fiveish?"

Giles' lips curled into a small smile despite his best efforts.

"That's not at all a bad guess. I'm forty three. You are seventeen"

He sat patiently waiting for her to figure it out.

"So? I know how old I am and you're just about how old I thought you were. What difference does it make?"

"Do you know the age of consent in this state?"

"The who of what?"

Giles led Buffy to the sofa and sat her down.

"In California, the age of consent is eighteen. You are seventeen. That means that it would be illegal for me to accept your offer. If I did this and anyone found out, I would be sent to prison for statutory rape"

"But it wouldn't be rape. I'd just explain.."

"That wouldn't be good enough. Under the law, even if you said yes, even if it was your idea, I would still be to blame. I would still face criminal charges and deportation"

"But if nobody found out, then nothing would happen"

"There's no way we could guarantee that, Buffy"

"Well I certainly wouldn't tell"

"Nor would I, but that doesn't mean no one would find out. You never said a word when you and Angel...but Willow worked it out in a very short time. Even I finally realized what had happened before the day was out, and it had frankly never occurred to me to think of you in those terms before that day"

"But you won't lose your soul over it. You're human"

"True enough, but that's not the only possible consequence of sex. I wouldn't lose my soul, and I don't have any dread diseases to pass on, but I am a reasonably healthy adult male. What if you were to become pregnant?"

"So we'd have to use something. There's such a thing as birth control, you know. I bet they even had it when you were my age"

"I am well aware of how to use contraception," he assured her a bit sourly. "But there's no such thing as a one hundred percent sure thing. I could still get you pregnant. I won't take that chance"

"What about after my birthday? That's only a few months away. I'll be eighteen then"

Giles shook his head.

"I still work at the school you attend. Again, I would face deportation at least, and quite possibly criminal charges"

Buffy stood and began to pace.

"You're the librarian, dammit! You're not a teacher!"

"I'm still a member of the faculty. It would still be considered a breach of ethics at minimum"

"Snyder expelled me. I probably won't even be going back to Sunnydale High"

"You'll be reinstated. I promise you that"

"But until then.."

"You're still seventeen years old"

"What about after I graduate?"

"By that time, no doubt, you will have found someone far more appropriate. I have no doubt that there are dozens of boys who would be thrilled just to see you smile at them. You should be with one of them, not me. I'm old enough to be your father"

"But you're not my father. And Angel was way older than you"

"That doesn't make this idea of yours any more right"

"So it comes back to you don't want to"

"No. It comes back to I can't"

"But you want to? Is that what you're saying? You want me?"

He cupped her cheek softly and smiled at her.

"Go on. Upstairs with you"

"Giles.."

"You need your rest, Buffy. Go upstairs and go to sleep. I'll see you in the morning," he told her firmly, letting her know the conversation was over.

She gave him a long searching look, but finally turned and headed up to the loft. Giles watched her go. When she got to the bedroom, Buffy leaned down over the railing.

"Giles?" she called. "This isn't...I mean.."

He shook his head.

"No, Buffy, it isn't. I bought a new bed"

She nodded in obvious relief.

"I just sorta needed to know"

"Sleep well, Buffy"

"'Night, Giles"

He listened to her rustle between his sheets, mere yards away as he lay down on the short, lumpy sofa and pulled the wool tartan coverlet over himself. A short time later her even breathing told him she was asleep. Giles had to smile wanly to himself at that. However had the girl thought she had the energy for...? She was obviously dog tired. So was he, come to that, but sleep evaded him.

Pandora's box had been well and truly opened at last. He'd taken a couple peeps within since Angel's turning and had always berated himself for being a dirty old man. It was much harder to do that when the girl in question had just damn near gotten down on her knees and begged him to take her.

And speaking of hard...

He rolled to his side and willed himself to forget the stirring flesh between his legs; to ignore the images that suddenly flooded his mind of what it would be like to touch Buffy, to taste her, to be one with her. It would be a long night.

Then again, with Buffy in his life that wasn't unusual.

*****

When he woke the next morning, Buffy was gone, but there was a note left on the pass through to the kitchen.

Hey Giles (it read),

Since nothing happened last night, I thought it would be better if it didn't look to the world like something did. I won't tell the others I saw you before them. Wouldn't want Xander to get jealous, would we? Plus I don't think Mom would get it. She'd probably freak and I really don't need that right now.

So, to sum up, I won't tell if you don't. I'll see you soon.

And if you ever change your mind, just let me know. The offer stands.

Love Buffy

He stared at the note for a long time, unsure whether to laugh or cry at its contents. At last he tucked it in the pocket of his robe and set about making breakfast.

*****

Buffy stood at Giles' door filled with a growing sense of déjà vu. The difference between this time and the last was that she was surrounded by her friends. What would she say? What would he say? Would they blow their secret?

"You know, maybe it's too late. Maybe we should just come back tomorrow"

She looked in panic at the door and then at her friends.

"What if he's mad?"

"Mad?" Xander quipped. "Just because you ran away and abandoned your post and your friends and your mom and made him lay awake every night worrying about you?" He turned to Oz and Willow. "Maybe we should wait out here"

Buffy rolled her eyes at Xander, then faced the door again. She took a deep breath and crossed her mental fingers. She didn't dare put this off any longer. She knocked.

When the door opened, Giles stood for a long moment looking at her, his face a perfect blank. As per usual when faced with an awkward silence, Xander felt a need to fill it.

"Check it out" he joked nervously. "The Watcher is back on the clock. And just when you were thinking career change, maybe becoming a...a looker or a...a seer"

"Thank you, Xander," Giles returned quietly. He looked at Buffy again with the ghost of a smile playing about his lips. "Welcome home, Buffy"

He opened the door wider.