Title: Expanding the Rainbow
Author: Starla
Email: fuzzylittlepackrat@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon and Associates own these characters and places. But then, you knew that, didn't you?
Distribution: If you already archive me, just take it. If not, send me an addy. About as complicated as it gets, for me.
Summary: Sequel to Grey Area. Buffy and Riley talk about her past some more. Find Grey Area at my site:
Spoilers: I can tell you for sure, but I'd consider nothing sacred. Except S5/2 , cos I haven't seen it yet.
Timeline: Set during the Summer after Restless.
Author's Notes: Again, Angel isn't actually *in* this, but he is spoken of. I'm sorry, I really am. Maybe next time.
Warning: I don't know if it's cos it's sad, or if it's cos I'm a little tired and overemotional, but I made myself cry writing this. Just thought I should mention it.
Couples: This is probably the closest to real B/R that "I'll" ever get, but it's got a lot of B/A too...
Feedback: Yes, of couse, silly.
Dedication: To Marilda, who inspires me to be nice to Riley. For you...I'm trying to be nice. Really.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I looked over at my girlfriend as we walked along in silence, and had to smile.

She was beautiful, her skin smooth as china, her eyes glittering in the moonlight. She looked up, and met my eyes, smiling. She reached out and took my hand, and then we continued walking, the occasional shuffle of our feet the only noise.

She was unusually quiet tonight, and I have to admit, it was a little unnerving. It made me wonder what she was thinking about , if she was sad, or angry, or scared....and that worried me. I didn't like not knowing if she was troubled. I didn't really like her being troubled at all.

I sensed that she was thinking, though, so I let the quiet swim around us, let the warm, still air remain unbroken by speech. I just held her hand, and remained by her side.

I would do so for as long as she needed me to.

Suddenly, I heard her hitch in a breath, and I realized that she was no longer walking. She'd stopped, and was staring at a building a few hundred meters down the street, her eyes wide, but far away, her chest heaving.

It was a mansion set on sprawling, over grown grounds, the stone carved into a dark gothic design. It was surrounded by a high wall, one of the gates hanging off it's hinges, covered in a mass of crawling ivy and vines.

It was creepy, but I saw nothing that set it apart from the dozens of other uncared for estates in Sunnydale.

"It's been so long since I've seen it...." Buffy whispered, her eyes still transfixed on the structure.

How you could not see anything in a town as small as Sunnydale baffled me, but just from looking at this place, I knew it was possible. I'd never noticed the mansion before, and everytime I went out to the Initiative's old training grounds, I must have passed it. So very observant of me.

Still, I couldn't work out what was special about it.

Slowly, Buffy turned her head to look into my eyes, and said, in a very soft voice, "That's where Angel used to live."

Angel.

I should have known.

It killed me that she looked so sad, that she was still so stricken by the memory of him. He was this formidable figure in her past, one that I felt I would be constantly measured up to , and I was never quite sure if I made the cut in her eyes. It was insecure and untrusting of me, but I was afraid of him. Or, more accurately, afraid that he would take her away from me.

I tried to cover up my anxiety by asking questions. "Oh?"

Well, I would have asked questions, but I couldn't think of any, so I settled. It didn't matter anyway, because Buffy had already started walking again, her grip on my hand gentle, but firm, as if assuring herself that I wasn't going anywhere. It was nice, in a way that had nothing to do with contact. I felt as if she needed me, wanted me, to be there with her.

That meant more to me than I can say.

"He moved there while he was....Angelus. He and Spike and Drusilla. After I...cured him....and he came back from...back, he stayed there. It would have been too hard in his apartment..."

"Why would...," I trailed off as I caught on, "Oh."

"Yeah," Buffy said, looking at her hands, "Oh."

We lapsed into an uneasy silence, and I was glad as we walked out of Crawford St, leaving the mansion behind us. We headed towards Buffy's house, the tension between us thickening.

I'd known that she'd slept with Parker, and while I'd been jealous, it hadn't made me feel this...this. I don't know how to describe it, but I don't like it. I felt...I felt sick. The thought of them together made me sick. Not to mention, jealous as hell.

Suddenly, Buffy stopped moving, disengaging her hand from mine and wrapping her arms around herself as if to provide protection from...what? From the wind? The cold? Me?

She took a shaky breath, and then looked up at me. "Riley, I...," she pursed her lips, then continued, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. About the...condition....of Angel's soul. I just thought it might make things weird, and...."

"And what?" I asked when she didn't continue, even though I wasn't sure I really wanted to know.

"It hurt," Buffy said, starting to walk again, rubbing her hands up and down her arms, despite the fact that it was the middle of the summer, and blistering hot, "I prefer not to think about it."

I didn't reply, not really knowing what to say.

"At first, I didn't know," Buffy told me, her voice so soft, I had to strain to hear it, "I woke up, and he was gone. I completely panicked, because I'd been having these dreams where he was killed...."

The look on her face was one I had only seen once or twice before. She'd immersed herself in her past, and the sadness on her face...I'd seen her upset before, seen her depressed, seen her grieving. This was something else altogether, but still exactly the same thing. It was a mix of them all, but was filled with a...desolation. A hopelessness. Her voice was soft, melancholy, and heartbreaking....

My God, I love her.

"Terrible dreams...," she shook her head. "I looked for him all day, and then finally... I found him. Back at his apartment. I didn't know....I was just so glad to find him, so glad that he was alive, that I didn't even notice the little things...and then, when he started...He said things...about me , about us, about what we'd done...I didn't find out that it was my fault til I confronted Ms. Calendar..."

"When I found out about the happiness clause....Well, I thought that was the lowest I could feel, but the months that followed.... Well, let's just say the word 'angst' has been redefined."

"Who's Ms. Calendar?" I asked, not ready to process the rest of the information. That would come later, I knew. Probably late at night, alone in bed, or while I was working out.

"She was Giles' girlfriend. Our friend. Also, a gypsy spy," Buffy took a deep, hitching, wavering breath. "See, she was sent by her clan - the Kalderash, who cursed Angel- to watch him. To watch us. Problem was, she started to like us. Like him. She never told us. We never knew. Either did she, really. She knew she was supposed to stop him from being happy, but she didn't know what would happen."

"Where is she now?"

"Why do you think Giles hates Angel so much?" She asked, slowly lifting her head, letting me see the awful truth in her eyes.

"He killed her." I exhaled, letting my head fall back so that I was looking at the millions of stars that dotted the clear night sky.

"Yeah. She managed to translate the curse. Somehow...probably through Dru, I suppose....Angelus found out. Got to her before she could get to us. Snapped her neck , set up a seduction scene, and left her body in Giles' bed."

"Oh, God...Poor Giles." I closed my eyes, feeling the pain for them, and for Buffy.

"Giles knows, intellectually, that it wasn't Angel. But knowing it in your head, and making your heart, your eyes, believe it, are two different things."

We were standing outside her house, now, and she sat down on the porch, looking out across the street, across the town. I sat down next to her, and returned her gaze.

"It means a lot that I can talk to you about this stuff, you know." She said earnestly.

I smiled at her softly. "I'm glad."

She leaned against me. "I know it bothers you."

"I know that it's over."

She stiffened slightly, and I pulled back. "It *is* over, right?"

"I don't know that it ever really will be...." She said, and rushed to reassure me when she saw the panic on my face, "I love you Riley, you know that. I'm not with Angel, I'm with you."

"But it's not over with him." I frowned.

"Angel is like...You know, when you were a kid, you had one teddy bear that was special? You know, the one you cherished? You told it all your secrets, and held it when you cried. You shared your pain with it, and it made things easier. But then, you get older, and you don't need it so much anymore, but you still can't bear to let it go. So you move it onto a shelf, to make way for new things, for new toys, but that bear is so much a part of you, and you'll never forget it. It holds a special place in your heart, and sometimes, you have to turn to it for comfort. You've been through so much together, and only it can comfort you from a certain pain."

"But you can't stay with it forever," She continued, "because it's part of the life that you have to move past, so that you can grow up. You start playing with new toys, and you love them just as much."

"But the bear is always there." I said, sighing a little.

"Can you handle that?" She asked, cocking her head to the side, and looking at me hopefully.

"Yeah," I said, "I think I can."

And I hoped to god it was true.