***************************************************************************************

As Buffy walked through the cemetery, tears began to roll down her face. She wasn't able to bring herself to tell Spike the true reason she had used him, to try and recapture the feeling of Angel. She knew Parker and Riley had paled in comparison to Angel, but she had thought maybe another vampire could fill the void in her soul. She was wrong.

As she walked down the streets towards her house, she was lost in memories. Memories of a happier time, when they knew nothing about the curse, when they were free to be with each other, without the feeling that the world was in peril every time they kissed. She remembered the feel of his cool hands rubbing against her, the way his body felt pressed against hers, but most of all she remembered the feeling of happiness and contentment she had when she was with him.

As she arrived at her house, she went up the stairs, her emotions raw from dealing with the memories. As she stripped off her clothes in preparation for her shower, she wondered why she was doing this to herself. He was gone and he didn't want to be a part of her life anymore. Every time she had seen him since he left for LA, she was reminded of that fact. As she turned on the water, she thought maybe someday.

************

Angel was sitting at his desk when he began to feel the pull. Buffy. Her soul was crying out to him. She was so sad. He was amazed that he could still feel her emotions over 100 miles away. He stared at the phone, wondering if he should call. He wasn't a part of her life anymore. She had made it clear the last time he saw her that she had moved on. He had tried to move on, but there was always that empty part in his soul. The one reserved for her love. He remembered why he had left. She needed a real life. That, and the fact that when he was near her every inch of his body buzzed with desires that could never be fulfilled. Realizing she may be calling out for a reason he picked up the phone.

***********

"Hello," Buffy said sleepily.

"Hi."

"Angel," she said breathily, her heart skipping a beat. "Is everything ok?"

"I was going to ask you the same question."

"What do you mean? Everything's fine here," she lied. How could he have known?

"I was thinking about you, and....and I just wanted to make sure everything was ok." He stammered, realizing she was unaware of the call she had been sending out.

"Everything's fine. It's good to hear your voice though."

"I feel the same way," a slow grin spreading across his face.

"I'm so glad that after all we've been through, we can still talk like old friends." The words slammed Angel painfully in the chest, wiping any traces of his smile away: Old Friend?

"It is nice," he finally choked out.

"Well, I know it's early morning for you, but it's REALLY early morning for me," she feigned laughter as she held back tears. How could he have known that an hour ago she was crying herself to sleep with memories of her lost love?

"I'll let you go. I'm glad everything is ok," his voice sounded thick in his own ears. He hoped she couldn’t hear the pain in his voice.

"Good Night Angel."

"Good Night."

********

Angel hung up the phone and was on the verge of tears. She said old friend. He wondered if she even loved him anymore. He stood up and walked out of the office, putting on his trademark black duster. Maybe he could take some of this pain out on some vamps

Buffy hung up the phone and began to cry again. How could he have known, and why did he agree so willingly to the term old friend? She had said that to judge his reaction, and all she got was a brief pause. Did he not even think of them as friends anymore? She lay in bed and stared at the ceiling trying to decide what to do. Her life was such a mess, and everything, if you didn't count releasing Angelus, was so much easier when she was in Angel's arms. She stood quickly and began to dress. She was going to LA to find out once and for all if he still loved her. She knew she could never truly move on. Question was, could he?

**********

Quietly she crept into Willow's room. She looked at the redhead and knew if anyone would understand her need to go to LA, it would be Willow. Sitting on the edge of her bed, she reached over and gently woke her.

"What's going on?" she asked sleepily. Opening her eyes, and seeing Buffy perched on the edge of her bed, she calmly asked, "Is the world ending?"

"No," Buffy smiled as her friend’s automatic response at being awakened at such an early hour. Will always seemed ready to fight demons at any hour. In a hushed voice she added, "But mine seems to be."

With that Willow sat up in bed and looked at her friend. She had heard the telephone ring, and could tell that Buffy had been crying. She looked at Buffy, waiting to hear more.

"I'm going to LA. I don't know for how long, but..."

"To see Angel." It wasn't a question; it was a statement.

Buffy looked into her best friend’s eyes. She knew Willow was aware that things weren't right in "Buffy Land" as she once put it. "I have to know," she said with a sigh, tears brimming in her eyes.

Willow nodded, "I'll take care of Dawn." With that, Buffy was out the door.

**********

The next morning, Angel was in his office staring at a case file. He'd been looking at it for over an hour and still hadn't read a word of it. He hoped his friends hadn't noticed the picture of Buffy he had stashed in it. All he could do was stare at it and wonder if things should have been done differently. Outside his office he could hear Cordelia complaining about the latest non-paying client, and Lorne telling her she needed to calm down. He smiled; this was nice. He was part of a family, but it wasn't complete.

Suddenly he felt the familiar twinge in his stomach. He slowly stood up and walked into the outer office in a fog.

"Angel man, what's up?" Lorne asked concerned for his friend. Angel didn't even seem to notice. He just stared at the door.

"Earth to Angel, what's going on?" Cordelia snapped.

"Buffy..." Angel muttered never breaking his stare at the door.

A few seconds later, the door opened and Buffy walked in.

Buffy was a little surprised that Angel seemed to be standing there waiting for her. "Hi," she said.

Angel just stared at her. Was I sending out a call too? "Hi," he said after a few minutes.

"Cordelia, don't we need to go pick up that thing?" Lorne shot daggers at Cordelia, trying to reinforce the message.

"Nope. I got all day to sit here." She stared at them. She knew she had fallen for Angel, and her jealousy of Buffy was overwhelming. She was not going to leave these two alone.

Lorne got up off the couch and quickly walked to Cordelia's side. He grabbed her by the arm and tried to pull her out of the door. It was obvious to him that these two needed some time. Cordelia hooked her heels into the floor. She was not leaving.

Angel, having seen all of this out of the corner of his eye, realized that Cordelia’s little "crush" on him would make things difficult if they continued a conversation here. He quickly took Buffy downstairs into his apartment, much to Cordelia's chagrin.

**********

"Why are you here?" It came out sounding rough and the minute he said it he wished he could take it back.

Buffy flinched but was determined to do what she came for. "We need to talk."

He motioned Buffy to sit on the couch, and then hesitated. Where should he sit? Next to her, down the couch from her? He felt like a schoolboy trying to get a date he was so nervous. He finally decided to sit halfway between the end of the couch and her. Buffy had noticed his hesitation at where to sit, and wondered to herself why he seemed so nervous. "I guess we do," he finally said.

"I miss you," Buffy said plainly, her practiced speech flying right out the window as soon as she said it. She had planned to tell him she was doing fine and slowly lead into this.

"You know we can't..." Angel started.

"Please, I'm having trouble saying this, so please don't interrupt me. I'm trying to be as honest with you, and myself, as I can, and I may stumble a little bit, so please bear with me." Angel sat back onto the couch. He couldn't believe his ears. She missed him...but did she still love him?

"When you left, you told me you wanted me to have a normal life. Someone who could take me out into the sun, someone who could give me children. I tried, I really did. You remember Riley?"

"Yes," Angel said biting back his growl. He remembered that meeting and remembered how jealous he was that Riley could take her into his arms but he couldn't.

"I loved Riley, at least I thought I did. He left me because I couldn't give him the one thing he wanted most, my soul. I realized I would never had a 'normal life' until I could do that, but I can't. I gave it away when I was 16. It's not mine to give anymore." Tears began to spill down her cheeks. "I realized I could never be happy with anyone else..." she trailed off.

"Buffy," Angel said hesitantly.

"I realize you've moved on and as you once told me we don't live in each other's worlds anymore, but I'd really like to come back into your world, if you'll have me." Buffy began to sob. "I love you Angel."

Angel stared dumbfounded at the little blonde girl in front of him. He automatically scooted down the couch and pulled her into his arms, cradling her body, and stroking her hair, as the sobs continued to wrack her body. He didn't know what to say. Everything he wanted was being offered to him, and he didn't know if he should take it. "When I left you, it was because I couldn't give you a full relationship. I know you can live without the sun, I know children aren’t the issue; the true issue is that you deserve someone who can love you completely."

"Angel, I don't care..." Buffy interrupted

"You had your turn, now it's mine," Angel said with a half-smile. "I can't make love to you, and every minute I spend with you, the more I want to do that. I want to take comfort in you so badly, and I know it'll cost me my soul, and part of me doesn't care. We can't risk that one night things will tumble out of control." Angel left the truth hang in the air. They both knew that was the truth.

"I've been to hell for you Buffy, I...I can't do it again." Angel looked at the floor. He couldn't believe what he was turning down.

"Now, I know," Buffy said after a minute. "That's what I came to find out. I'm sorry I busted in on you like this." She took his face in her hand and tilted his eyes up to meet hers. "I will always love you, no matter what. In my heart, I will always be your girl."

"Why don't you get some rest before you drive back? I have some business to attend to upstairs." Angel quickly changed the subject, not wanting Buffy to see how much this hurt him. He turned and headed for the stairs. He didn't want her to see the tears that were starting to fall down his face. He could hear Buffy sobbing behind him.

**********

As he neared the top of the stairs, he could hear the footsteps running away from the landing. Cordelia and Lorne had been eavesdropping on the conversation below. He would have to deal with them later, right now he just needed to be alone. He walked into his office and shut the blinds on the door. As soon as he did, he collapsed to the floor in anguish. How could I have done that? He turned down his soul mate, his love, to save the world from Angelus. He was so tired of being noble. Just once, why couldn't he do something for himself? Just this once! He had already given up the entire day they had together to save the world, why couldn't he be normal, why couldn't...he began to lose all coherent thought as he slipped into despair and sat on his office floor, crying like a baby.

**********

"Wow, these two know how to bring down a mood," Lorne said, sitting in the outer office. He and Cordelia had heard every word said downstairs, and he couldn't believe Angel had turned her down. "You should have seen the way his aura lit up when she walked through the door."

"Yeah, that's the Buffy and Angel freak show. Lots of Laughs, then Lots of Deaths. At least this time Angel chose the high road." Cordelia quipped, secretly glad he had turned down Buffy.

Lorne looked at Cordelia angrily. "If you really loved him Cordelia, you would want to see him happy. Even if being with another person is what makes him happiest." With that Lorne turned and left.

Cordelia listened to the crying coming from downstairs, and the crying coming from the inner office. She began to think about Lorne's words. Who knows? Angel had turned Buffy down and that was all there was to it. She left to go home. No work was going to be done here today.

**********

Cordelia walked to her house, mulling over what Lorne had said. As she neared her house, she had decided that if he and Buffy could ever be happy, that was great. But they couldn't be, so why worry. She walked through her door and handed her purse to Dennis.

"How was your day, Dennis?" she asked. "No response, huh?" she mumbled to herself.

She walked into her kitchen and was hit with a blinding light. "Oh, no," she gasped as Phantom Dennis caught her and gently laid her on the floor.

**********

Several hours later, Angel emerged from his office. Everything was silent, no one was in the outer office, and no sound was coming from downstairs. Despite the silence, he knew she was still there. He silently crept down the steps and saw her asleep in his bed. He gently sat on the edge of the bed and watched her sleep. It had been so long since he had done that. He breathed in her scent, listened to her breathing, and lost himself to what-ifs.

As he sat watching her, Cordelia came into the office and crept down the stairs.

She stood in the doorway watching him watching her. She spoke softly, "Do you still love her?"

"She's my soul mate," Angel said without turning around. "I never stopped loving her."

Cordelia realized that single statement said it all. "I had a vision tonight."

"Great, the Powers That Be see fit to send me out on an errand when I'm at my lowest," Angel scoffed.

"It was about you." Angel slowly turned to face Cordelia. "They wanted to 'reward their champion' as they said. Your soul is permanent."

"What?" Angel asked incredulously "How?"

"I don't know how it works, they just tell me something and I relay the message." Cordelia said still angry that she had been chosen to deliver the message that was breaking her heart. "I know she'll bring you happiness." With that she turned and silently walked up the stairs.

Angel slowly turned around and looked at the sleeping slayer lying in his bed. If it's permanent there's nothing to stop us from being together, he thought. But will she still have me after I turned her down like that? Fear crept into his mind. He decided if she could take a risk for him like she did coming here, he could risk the same. Gingerly he laid down on the bed behind her, molding to her body in a way he hadn't done in years. It was like he was home.

**********

Buffy started to wake up and could feel Angel lying behind her. She held still, afraid if she moved it would turn out to be a dream again. He had said no, that's all there was to it. But if the answer was no, why was he curled up against her?

Angel heard the change in her breathing; she was awake. He held an unneeded breath and waited for her response. When she lay still, feigning sleep, he decided he needed to make the move. "I've been around for 248 years. In all that time, I have loved one woman," he said quietly. Buffy turned to face him, afraid of the small ray of hope that was starting to shine. "You."

With that he leaned in to kiss her. The kiss began to wash away the hurt, but one issue was still left unresolved. Angel slowly pulled away from the kiss, her mind and body screaming at the loss of contact. "Buffy, I'm sorry," he gazed into her tear stained eyes.

Buffy stretched out to kiss him again. The gentle kiss slowly developed into a deep kiss of passion. Angel poured his love into the kiss. Praying she would take him back. He pulled her close to him, slowly sliding his leg between her thighs.

"Angel..." she breathed as his kisses began to trail down her neck. Her mind was crying out for her to stop this, but her heart was threatening to break even further if she stopped.

"It's okay," Angel said between gentle kisses.

"I can't kill you again, Angel," Buffy said pulling his head up to her eye level.

"You won't have to." Angel looked deep into her dazzling emerald eyes and saw love and forgiveness there, but also confusion. "Let's have tonight. I'll explain tomorrow."

With that said, he leaned in to kiss her again. The kiss ignited the fires of passion that had simmered between them for many years. Their passion and love for one another was able to travel hundreds of miles, but they hadn't acknowledged it until now. As he began to give in to that passion, he realized he was never going to leave her again.

**********

The next morning, Buffy awoke to find herself alone in Angel's bed. Oh, no, she grimaced, not again. She slowly dressed and walked up the stairs in a daze. What she saw shocked her. Wesley, Cordelia, and Angel were sitting around the office, idly chatting. She realized she had half expected to find the bodies of her friends again.

"Angel," she said questioningly.

"Yes, love. I'm still here," answering her unasked question.

Wesley, with his jaw on the floor, looked from Angel to Buffy and back. "She's...you..." Wesley stammered as he slowly inched towards the weapons closet.

"I'm fine," Angel said to Wesley. "Buffy, would you like some breakfast?"

"That'd be great." She smiled, her eyes never moving from Wesley. She never really trusted him and now he was getting closer to weapons.

"The Powers That Be granted his soul, and they had sex," Cordelia said tactlessly. "He's still Angel, and will stay that way until he's dust." Angel, Buffy, and Wesley just stared at Cordelia.

"Did you have to mention the dust thing?" Angel was still occasionally surprised at Cordelia's lack of tact.

"Very well then, let's move along shall we..." Wesley stammered out still trying to digest all this information. "I'll go get Buffy some breakfast." With that he turned quickly and left.

Angel walked over and pulled Buffy into his arms, tenderly kissing her forehead. "I have to take care of some things this morning, and then I think we need to talk."

As Angel headed for his office, he saw Cordelia moving towards Buffy. That can't be good.

"I hope you guys will finally be happy. But if you hurt him at all, I'll personally kill you," Cordelia said as she glared at Buffy.

"You'll kill me?" Buffy chuckled.

"Guns will work on a Slayer and keep me at a safe distance," Cordelia replied still glaring.

There was something in Cordelia's eyes and manner that made Buffy realize she was deadly serious. "I don't plan on hurting him Cordelia. I love him."

"I know." Cordelia quickly walked away. Hearing the words actually come from her mouth was worse than anything the Slayer could have done to her.

:: On To Part Two ::