Giles returned from yet another tedious museum function, in which the speaker had been almost, not quite, but almost, as boring as the date he’d been forced to bring.

As he’d sat through both the speech and his date’s insipid conversation, voices from his past had kept up a running commentary in the back of his head. He’d heard Willow gently explaining the technical terms to a stuttering Tara, Xander volunteering to get jelly donuts to get out of listening, Anya wanting to know what this had to do with her money, and Buffy, sweet Buffy, raising her hand and saying "I think I speak for everyone here when I say ‘Huh?’"

<God, how I miss them.> Giles ran his hands through his thick hair. Being the grown up sucked! <Shit! More Buffy-speak.> He stood and wandered around his flat. It was unbelievably lonely without the children, um, teenagers, um, adults <the Scoobies> tramping through at all hours. He missed Buffy sitting on his couch, demanding to know how to kill a Kraal demon. Of course, she wouldn’t have referred to it as a Kraal demon. According to her, it would have been a green, slimy demony thing with pointy ears and really bad dental hygiene.

<Buffy.> His heart hurt when he thought of her. Of the choice he’d made for the both of them.

Giles picked up a picture he had of the two of them, Slayer and Watcher. It had been at a Scooby picnic that Willow had insisted on after the First Slayer incident. No Anya, no Tara, no Riley, and definitely no Spike.

The sun shone on her face and she was laughing. Probably at him. It wasn’t important. She was laughing, happy, smiling up at him, and he was looking down at her like she was the most wonderful thing in the world. <Which she is.> his heart whispered.

But those times were gone. That Buffy was gone. In her place was a broken spirit. Giles hadn’t known how to help her. <Definitely nothing in the Watcher’s diaries about a Slayer who continues to return from the dead.> Giles would have gladly continued to let her lean on him if he’d thought that was the answer. It had been obvious it wasn’t. She’d just retreated further behind him. He’d known that for her to live, he had to leave. <No matter how much it broke my heart. My heart isn’t important. Her life is.>

It was then that Giles saw the flashing light on his answering machine. He approached it with dread. Messages usually consisted of his friend, Albert, wanting to set him up with yet another date. Giles gingerly pressed the play button.

"How did the date go with Deirdre?" Albert’s voice flowed from the machine. "What are you doing Friday? Veronica…." Giles pressed the fast forward button.

"Giles," a voice purred. "It’s Amanda. Why haven’t you…?" Fast forward.

"Hello. This is a courtesy call…" Fast forward. The last message caught his full attention. There was silence for a moment, followed by a muffled sob.

"Please come home."

Giles picked up the phone.

Buffy staked the final vampire almost absently. Some times, during these fights, she wondered if she’d go back to Heaven if she just stopped, just let them take her.

She was only 22, but she felt ancient. <Hell, I’ve been dead twice now.> The thought was overwhelming. <It’s just too much.> Buffy sat on a convenient headstone and cried, deep heart wrenching sobs. <I can only carry so much. The bills, the house, the job, Dawn. Oh, and let’s not forget battling vampires, demons and saving the world from the Apocalypse on a regular basis.>

<Why couldn’t they have let me go?> she mentally cried up to who ever was listening. <What is the purpose of my being here?>

At that moment, a hand dropped lightly on her shoulder. Directly followed by the body attached to the hand being flipped over her shoulder and onto the ground.

"Now Pet, is that any way to treat your lover?" asked Spike from the ground.

"You are not my lover, Spike." Buffy spat. "You are my ex-lover." Buffy placed as much emphasis and disgust on the word ‘ex’ as she could muster.

"Just thought you might need a shoulder to cry on." he said defensively, scrambling to his feet.

"When I need your shoulder to cry on… Wait, no, I’ll never need your shoulder to cry on." she said venomously. Spike snorted, patting his jacket in search of his cigarettes.

"That Watcher of yours once told me something like that once." he said, finding the smokes and lighting one. "’Course, he also told me how I’d never have you and that certainly changed." Spike trailed the back of his hand down Buffy’s cheek. Buffy knocked it away.

Spike knew he’d hit a sore spot, and kept hammering away at it. "Now, I wonder what he’d say about his precious Slayer shagging the big bad vampire?" Buffy’s fists clenched.

"Bad? Very. Big? Hardly." she tossed at him insultingly. Spike leaned close, put his mouth to her ear.

"I wonder what he’d say if he knew you called out his name while we were shagging." Buffy pushed him away, slugging him across the jaw for good measure. Turning on the ball of her foot, she sprinted from the cemetery.

<Ohgodohgodohgod!> she thought, her heart shattering even more. <He can’t tell Giles. Giles can’t know. He can’t know.>

Buffy ran back to the house and snuck inside as quietly as possible. She ate absently, never tasting the food. She wandered the house, putting off going to bed as long as possible. Sleep held no reprieve for her, no safe haven. However, exhaustion soon won out. Climbing into bed, she prayed for a dreamless night.

It was not to be.

Dawn had fallen asleep during Willow’s explanation of the events that had unfolded in his absence. Once Dawn had been asleep, Willow had gone back over some events she’d glossed over to fill in details that she hadn’t wanted Dawn to hear.

"Buffy and Spike?" he asked in disbelief. Willow nodded. "Riley’s married." Giles asked in the same stunned voice. Willow nodded again. "I see." he said, polishing his glasses. "Buffy and Spike?"

"I think," Willow began. "I think Spike convinced her that there was something wrong with her, that no one would want her but him."

Giles sat back, stroking Dawn’s sleeping head, absorbing everything he’d been told.

"I’ll talk to her." Giles promised. "You two should get some sleep." He carried Dawn up to her room, placing her gently on the bed and escorted Willow to her bedroom door.

"Thanks for coming back." Willow whispered, giving him a hard hug. "Try not to be too hard on Buffy." she asked. "She’s really struggling. But she’s trying." Giles nodded absently, caught up in his own thoughts.

<What could’ve driven his Slayer into Spike’s arms?> His stomach turned at the thought of Spike’s hands on Buffy’s skin.

He was jealous. After Buffy’s death, he’d been forced to admit, at least to himself, that he’d fallen in love with Buffy. He’d been overjoyed when Willow had called to tell him she was back, even though he was horrified by how it was done. When he’d seen her in the Magic Box, it had taken all his strength not to tell her then. It had torn his heart to pieces to leave her. The realization that instead of coming to him for help, Buffy had turned to Spike was devastating. It also made him realize how hurt she must have been when he’d left.

<How she must hate me for leaving.> he thought.

Giles waited patiently in the darkened living room for her to return from patrolling. He practiced what he wanted to say to her over and over in his head. On the 20^th time through, he nodded off mid-thought.

Giles awoke to the sound of a wounded animal crying in distress. Shaking the sleep away, he realized that it was a human voice.

"Please don’t go." it cried.

<Buffy!> Giles sprinted up the stairs to her bedroom door. He practically ran Dawn over.

"I’ll take care of it." he told her softly. "Go back to bed." Dawn nodded trustingly, and padded back to her room.

Giles entered Buffy’s room as quietly as possible. Buffy tossed and turned in her sleep, her slight form tangled in the sheets.

"Giles, please don’t leave. I can’t do this without you."

<She does cry for me.> he realized. He’d been afraid the girls had exaggerated for his benefit.

"I’ll do better. I promise. I’m sorry." Giles wondered what his dream self had told her to cause such pain in her voice.

Gingerly, he sat on the edge of the bed. He ran his hand soothingly over her cheek.

"Shhh." he whispered. "I’m here. It’s ok." Buffy bolted upright, eyes wide open, clutching his wrist painfully.

"Please don’t go." she pleaded, tears running down her face.

"I’m right here." Giles assured her. "I won’t leave." He ran his thumb over her cheek. Buffy sighed and rested her head on his shoulder.

"I love you, Giles." Giles stiffened, realizing that Buffy was still asleep, still dreaming. "Stay with me." she whispered.

<So be it. If it gets her one night of peace, it will be worth any price.>

Giles wrapped his arms around her, ignoring the way it affected his body. He rocked her gently, whispering all the time that he wouldn’t leave. When he was sure she’d fallen completely back to sleep, he laid her back on the bed. Her grip on his hand was so tight, he knew that there was no way he could disentangle himself without waking her.

Carefully, Giles laid down next to her and wrapped an arm around her waist. Buffy snuggled closer to him.

<This is torture.> Giles thought. However, jetlag and worry had exhausted him enough that he soon found himself drifting to sleep.

Buffy woke slowly, feeling rested. She kept her eyes closed, savoring the feeling. She couldn’t remember the last time she hadn’t woken in fright or despair. The sun was just rising, filling the room with a dusky glow.

The dream had changed, she thought lazily. Giles hadn’t left her. She shifted and realized that her back was up against something very hard. And warm. And breathing.

Buffy scrambled to a sitting position. <Not Spike. Who?> she wondered. She clearly remembered coming home, alone, the night before. And unless she gone completely insane, she’d been alone when she’d fallen asleep the night before.

In her haste to scoot away, she placed her hand on a solid and very definitely male body.

"Ooommmfff." she heard, followed by the only voice she knew capable of amusement and annoyance at the same time. "Really, Buffy," it said. "there’s no need to break my ribs."

<I’m still asleep. He can’t be here.> She looked over and saw Giles watching her in the dim light.

Giles had been awake for awhile, his body still on England time. He’d been so loathe to wake her that he’d lain still, watching her. Even under pain of torture, he’d never admit he’d toyed with her hair while he watched.

Buffy had looked so peaceful sleeping in his arms, the pain and suffering of the past few years erased from her face. But awake, the stress and pain was evident. Even in this dim light, it was easy to see how haggard and fatigued her face was.

Rather than comment on it, Giles reached up and tugged on her short hair.

"I like your hair." he said. "It’s lovely."

"You’re back." she squealed hugging him tightly. Giles had some worry about his continued ability to breathe for a moment. "Why are you in bed with me?" Buffy demanded suddenly. Her heart thudded as he reached over her to retrieve his glasses from the nightstand. As he turned back, his arm brushed against her breast. Buffy hoped he didn’t notice the catch in her breath as he made contact, or the way her nipples tightened.

"It seems you have nightmares." he said. "You wouldn’t let me leave." Buffy blushed.

"Oh, um, well I…"

"Why didn’t you call me?" Giles asked softly. Buffy tried to slide out of the bed, but Giles grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her back down next to him. "Buffy." he said sternly.

"You wanted me to stand on my own." she whispered. Buffy couldn’t look into his eyes. She couldn’t bear to see the disappointment in them.

"Stand, yes." Giles told her. "But I never expected you to carry everyone else at the same time." At his soft words, Buffy dared a look at his face. She saw concern, worry, love. <Love? Could it be possible?> Buffy didn’t dare to hope. She knew as soon as Giles heard what she’d done, he’d have nothing but disgust for her.

"Giles," she began. "I have to tell you…" Buffy tried to move away from Giles warm body, from the comfort it offered. Giles tightened his grip on her. They both knew that she could break away with her Slayer strength, but she didn’t.

"Shh," Giles placed a finger to her lips. "It’s all right, Buffy." Buffy shook her head, her eyes filling with tears.

"It’s not ok." she told him, her breath hitching. "I’m not ok. In fact, there’s nothing ok in all of Sunnydale." Buffy broke Giles grip and sat up, putting some distance between them.

"I’m broken Giles. If you knew what I’ve done, you wouldn’t be here, comforting me. I’m dirty, and I can’t get clean." she told him, tears spilling down her cheeks. Giles pulled himself into a sitting position.

"No," he said, moving to pull her into his arms. Buffy moved out of his reach.

"Don’t." she told him, holding up her hands. "You don’t know." It broke Giles’ heart to see her like this, and even more that she wouldn’t let him comfort her.

"Buffy, I…"

"You don’t know." she said again, sobbing openly now. She wrapped her arms around herself and rocked. "I don’t deserve your comfort. I screwed everything up. I neglected Dawn, they wanted to take her away from me, so I messed with the social services woman when I was invisible."

Giles didn’t know how she could cry so hard and speak at the same time. He moved closer and took one of her hands in his. Despite the fact that she didn’t feel she deserved it, she let him, needing to feel touch him.

"The reason I neglected Dawn was because I was too busy fucking Spike." Buffy met Giles eyes, expecting to find disgust in them. Instead, she only saw concern. "I fucked Spike." she repeated, just so he was clear on her crime. "I was so busy fucking him that I didn’t notice that Willow was drowning with her magic addiction. She nearly killed Dawn, you know. And I didn’t notice until it was almost too late."

<My poor baby.> Giles thought. <What did I do to you?>

"I’m so sorry Buffy." he whispered. He moved closer, pulling her to his chest. "Tell me why, Buffy? Why Spike?" Buffy clutched his shirt. She couldn’t believe he was still holding her. <Why isn’t he pushing me in disgust?> she wondered.

"Because I wanted to feel something. After you left… when you left, I couldn’t…" Buffy took a deep breath, the sobs slowing. "I wanted you back. I could feel when you were here. You told me you wanted me to be strong. And I wanted to." Buffy looked up to him pleading. "I wanted to be strong, because I thought if I was, you’d come back. But I couldn’t feel. It’s hard to be strong when you can’t feel." She buried her head against his chest.

Giles stroked her hair. <Wrong. I was so wrong.> He pulled Buffy as close as he could to his body.

"Why couldn’t you just say ‘Buffy, I’m not doing it. Snap out of it. You’re on your own. But oh, yeah, I’ll be at my apartment for you to give advice when it gets too hard.’?" Why?" Buffy pulled away to look into his eyes.

Giles knew it was wrong to say, but Buffy deserved the truth.

"Because I love you so, Buffy." he whispered. "Because I didn’t want you to have to do any of it, even though I knew you did. Because I didn’t trust myself to let you try." <Because I love you so much I couldn’t trust myself not to tell you and ruin everything.>

<He said it. He loves me.> Buffy thought. Her sobbing stopped completely. She latched on to that one sentence.

"You left because you loved me?" she asked. Giles nodded. Buffy threw herself off the bed. "You left because you loved me?" Giles saw the temper in her eyes and was prepared for the pillow she threw at him.

"That is the stupidest thing I ever heard!" she shouted. She was glorious in her anger. <God, she was beautiful.>

"I’m sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing." Buffy threw another pillow at him. He deflected it easily.

"I stand by my ‘stupidest thing ever’ statement." she told him, putting her hands on her hips. Giles’ mouth quirked into a smile. This was the Buffy he knew and loved.

"Yes, well, people do stupid things sometimes." Giles slid off the bed, and moved toward her cautiously. There were more dangerous things than pillows in her reach to throw at him now. "I can’t tell you how sorry I am." Buffy eyed him cautiously, then threw herself at him, knocking them both onto the bed.

"Don’t leave again." she begged, pinning him under her. She sounded so young, so fragile.

"I’m not going anywhere." Giles promised, echoing the promise he’d made her when she was 18. His eyes roamed over her face. Her eyes were red from crying, but she no longer looked so lost.

Giles lifted his head to brush a kiss on her lips, to seal the promise, he told himself. Buffy latched onto the kiss like a lifeline.

The minute his lips had touched hers, a bolt of electricity had gone through her. <There is was.> she thought. <This is what I’ve been looking for.> This was what she’d tried to beat out of Spike, this feeling.

Buffy deepened the kiss, sliding her tongue over Giles’ lips. He opened his mouth and allowed her access inside. She explored, reveling in the way his tongue dueled with hers. She suckled his tongue, as if she was trying to draw his strength out of him.

Giles knew that this was wrong. Buffy was kissing him out of desperation, out of gratefulness. Try as he might, he couldn’t bring himself to end the kiss. He’d dreamed of this for a long time, never expecting it to happen.

Giles kept the kiss soft. From what Willow had told him, Buffy’s relationship had been rough. From the way Buffy was kissing him, he had his suspicions that it was more than that, that it had been violent. He wanted more than that for his Slayer. Gently, he pulled away.

"Buffy, this is wrong." he whispered against her lips. Buffy stopped, looking at him in horror. <Oh, what had she done?> She slowly moved off of Giles.

"I’m so sorry." she whispered. "So sorry." Buffy scooted back to the pillows, wrapping her arms around her knees. "I shouldn’t have touched you. I’m so dirty." Giles sat up, kneeling in front of her.

"You’re not dirty, Buffy. Just confused." Giles said as gently as possible. Buffy shook her head.

"You don’t understand." she told him. "What I did with Spike… It was wrong. We… he… I let him…" Buffy searched for the right words. They were escaping her, and all the time, Giles just watched her, patiently.

"Do you love Spike?" Giles asked. The look of horror was all the answer he needed. Buffy spoke nonetheless. And he was completely unprepared for what she said.

"No, no. I love you." Buffy pulled herself into an even tighter ball. "I let Spike do these things to me, and I loved you." She looked at him helplessly. "And the only way I could feel," Buffy ducked her head and took a deep breath. "the only way I could…. you know…, was to imagine that it was you."

For once, Giles was speechless. Buffy’s confession was utterly unexpected. He didn’t have a clue what to say to her.

Buffy shivered. Not from cold, but from fear. She waited for him to get up and leave. She couldn’t say that she’d blame him. Instead, he moved closer.

"Oh, dear heart." he murmured, putting his hand on her cheek. Buffy rubbed her face against his hand. "I have done you such an injustice." Leaning over, he kissed her other cheek. He felt Buffy sigh. He trailed kisses along her jaw until he reached her mouth. He kissed her gently, lightly, just brushing his lips over hers. "I love you. I left because I loved you so much. But I didn’t think you’d ever feel the same."

"How can you love me?" Buffy whispered against his lips. "After what I’ve done." Giles nibbled on her bottom lips.

"I could never stop loving you, Buffy. No matter what." he promised. He captured her mouth completely. Buffy’s breath was taken away by the tenderness. It was a slow and sweet assault on her mouth. His tongue darted in and tangled with hers. Buffy wrapped her arms around him running them down his back.

Giles wrapped his arm around her leg and gently pulled her down so that she was lying flat on the bed. His hand trailed softly up her body, pausing to rub gently at the juncture of her legs. Buffy moaned against his mouth. Giles brought his hand up the top of her silk pajama bottoms, teasing at the elastic band, gliding his fingers across her stomach.

Every nerve in Buffy’s body was on fire. <Alive. I’m finally alive.> she managed to think. Giles hand was sliding over her skin like silk. It slid under her night shirt, skimming over her breasts. Never breaking the kiss, he kneaded one gently, then the other.

Buffy’s hands were not idle. She ran her hands along his shoulders, and down his back. She tugged his shirt from his pants and slid over his bare skin. Giles shivered with pleasure at her touch. When Buffy flinched, he held her tight, preventing her from moving away. He nibbled on Buffy’s lip, his hands sliding up to her breasts, pushing her top up.

Giles’ mouth moved down her neck, and to the flesh he’d exposed. Buffy gasped as he took her breast in his mouth. She ran her fingers through his hair as he suckled on her nipple.

"Giles" she whispered. Giles looked up and met her half closed eyes. He smiled, and returned to her breast. Buffy arched up in pleasure as he licked his way from one to the other. "Please."

Buffy felt his smile against her skin. He was driving her crazy. She clenched the sheets as his mouth moved down her stomach. Giles hooked his fingers on the band of her pajama pants and eased them down her hips. Buffy arched her hips so he could remove them. The pants hit the floor silently next to the bed as Giles moved his mouth over her mound.

Giles gently parted Buffy’s legs, hooking one over his shoulder as he kissed her nether lips. Buffy groaned as his tongue lapped at her sex. She arched her hips in pleasure. Reaching up with one hand, Giles put his hand on her stomach to hold her down as his tongue flicked over her clitoris. He heard her sharp intake of air as he drank her juices.

Buffy bit her lip and clutched at the sheets as waves of pleasure washed over her. She ground her hips against Giles’ mouth as his tongue slid in and out of her.

"Giles!" she keened as her body stiffened, her climax overwhelming her. Giles licked her faster, determined to bring her as much pleasure as possible. She grabbed the hand on her stomach, squeezing it as she went over the edge.

Giles felt her whole body relax after her release. He gave her one final lick before looking up at her. He found Buffy looking at him, her blue eyes hazed.

Giles crawled up the bed so that he was next to her. Buffy could feel his erection next to her leg. Buffy covered his mouth with hers, her hand rubbing against him. She could taste herself on his lips as she hungrily kissed him.

Buffy undid his pants, sliding her hand inside to caress his erection. Giles groaned against her mouth.

"Buffy…" he moaned. He moved himself against her hand.

"Show me." she whispered. "Show me how much you love me." she begged.

With a growl, Giles removed his remaining clothing, and positioned himself between her legs. He teased her opening with his hand before sliding into her slowly. Buffy’s eyes opened wide as he filled her. She rubbed one hand up his arm. His muscles quivered from the effort of keeping still, giving her a chance to adjust to him. Leaning up, she kissed him tenderly.

"I am the Slayer." she whispered. "You can’t hurt me." Giles dropped to his elbows, bringing more of himself in contact with her.

"I know." he told her as he nuzzled her neck. Buffy ran her hands down his back to his buttocks. She pushed against them, driving him deeper into her. Giles began to move slowly, rocking his hips, sliding in and out.

"Please Giles." Giles smiled and shook his head. Buffy’s breath came in quick gasps as his pace increased. She moved her hips in rhythm with his, trying to get as much of him as possible into her channel. Her nails raked across his back, leaving angry red marks.

He was driving her crazy. Buffy could feel the pressure building in her stomach. It had never been like this, this want, this fire which needed to be extinguished. Buffy strained against Giles, attempting to reach her release.

Above her, Giles groaned. He could feel his climax building inside of him. Buffy wrapped her legs around him, shouting in pleasure as he slammed into her.

"Ohyesohyesohyes! Giles!" she howled as she climaxed. The sound of Buffy calling out his name in ecstasy sent Giles over the edge. Throwing back his head, Giles called out her name as his orgasm claimed him.

Buffy wrapped her arms around Giles as he shifted to lay beside her. He kissed her forehead as she snuggled against his chest.

Buffy was amazed at how different the sex had been with Giles. It had been so different than any of her other lovers. It had been tender and sweet. She finally understood why it was called ‘lovemaking’. And for the first time since she’d been brought back from the dead, Buffy felt complete.

"Don’t leave." she requested sleepily. Giles pulled her closer.

"I won’t." he promised as they drifted to sleep in each other’s arms.