He’s Baack

Christmas came and went, and life went on as usual. The Weasleys went back to the Burrow, and in Bill’s case, Egypt. Xander and Dawn went back to Sunnydale, and Fred, Cordelia and Gunn went back to LA. The students flocked back to their dorms, and classes began again.

And then… the unthinkable happened.

"Did you hear?" Harry asked, lifting his sword to Ron’s in the training room. "Lockhart’s got his memory back."

"Bloody hell," Ron wined. "You mean that git’s back?"

Harry nodded. "Yeah. And there are only a few of us who know he’s a phony. Even with his memory gone, word never got out to anyone else. Y’know what else I heard?"

"What?" Ron asked, blocking a sword thrust from Harry.

"He’s back"

"Back?"

"At the castle. He’s eating Breakfast with the teachers right… now."

Ron pale. "No."

"Who’s Lockhart?" Faith asked from the sidelines.

"A really stupid git," Draco replied, smacking the punching bag in front of him with as much force he could muster. "He’s the reason blonds are considered stupid."

Harry put his sword down for a moment, and thought. "No… too easy."

Draco glared at the boy who lived. "Shut up."

"Make me."

"Yeah, make him," Faith encouraged. "Ron, hand Draco your sword. You’re switching places."

Ron shrugged. "Yeah, alright."

"So… this Lockhart…" Faith pressed on.

"You’ll see for yourself at breakfast," Draco told her, abandoning his sword and pulling Harry into a headlock. "You will see."

"Professor O’Brien, I’d like you to meet Mr. Gilderoy Lockhart," Dumbledore said gently, as the teachers ate. "He was in your teaching position a few years ago."

Lockhart got to his feet and held out a hand to Angel with an annoyingly perfect smile. "Gilderoy Lockhart. Order of Merlin, Third Class. My, but it’s wonderful to be back. Thank Merlin those doctors found a way to restore my memory."

"Memory?" Angel asked.

"Why, yes," Lockhart replied. "While I was teaching, one of my more adventurous students used a memory curse on me. But, the doctors at St. Mungo‘s finally found a way to restore it."

"A student cursed you?" Willow asked, overhearing. "Which student?"

Lockhart shrugged. "That’s the one thing I don’t remember."

"Ten bucks says it was Ron," Tara snickered to Willow.

"What, you think I’m stupid?" Willow giggled. "I’d be a dope to take that bet."

"Well… it’s… uh… nice to meet you, Mr. Lockhart," Angel said, trying to be polite.

"How did you get the position of Defense against the Dark Arts professor?" Lockhart asked. "It’s rather prestigious. The most challenging position at Hogwarts, I’d say. I‘m writing a new book on it!"

Angel shrugged. "Lotsa dirty work in the dark arts," he replied. "I’ve been fighting the forces of evil for a good long while."

"Ah, a man after my own heart," Lockhart smiled. "I, too, have experience with the dark arts. Have you read any of my books?"

"Well… no," Angel replied sheepishly.

"They chronicle all of my heroic and daring adventures."

"…uh… okay."

"Tell me, have you faced off against a vampire before, Professor O’Brien?"

From across the table, Wesley spat out his pumpkin juice, and was promptly stared at by his co-workers. "Oh… Pardon me… So sorry."

"Well, I’ve faced a few," Angel replied with a smirk.

"A Werewolf?" Lockhart asked.

"Maybe once," Angel replied.

"Demons?"

"I think there was an instance, yes."

"Well, I see you’ve had a bit of experience, then," Lockhart smiled. "That’s wonderful."

"Uh… yeah."

Angel sat back down and leaned over to Willow and Buffy. "That smile could make a vampire burst into flames."

Buffy wasn’t listening to her boyfriend. She was too busy staring at Lockhart. "How does he get his hair so shiny?"

Angel rolled his eyes.

"Ah… Severus! How lovely to see you again!"

Snape groaned, and stopped as he and Faith walked through the halls from breakfast that same morning. "Yes, yes, very nice to see you as well, Lockhart."

Faith raised an eyebrow at the brightly clad wizard. "So, this is the infamous Gilderoy Lockhart I’ve heard all about?"

"Yes, that would be me," Lockhart said, flashing her a smile that made her squint. "And… who might you be, my dear lady?"

Snape sighed. "Lockhart, this is my niece, Professor Faith Morgan."

Faith twitched as Lockhart took her hand and kissed it. ‘Man, this guy is blonder than B,’ she thought, pulling her hand away and wiping it on her Uncle’s robes.

"Charmed to meet you, Professor Morgan," Lockhart drawled.

A hand found hers and gasped it tightly.

"Morning, Love."

Faith looked up into the tired, yet wary brown eyes of Charlie Weasley. She reached up on her toes and kissed him lightly, pretty much forgetting her uncle and Lockhart were standing there.

"Morning. You missed breakfast," she scolded. "Where the hell were you?"

"Sleeping," Charlie replied. "I’m afraid you wore me out last night."

She gave him a devilish smirk. "Slayer stamina. Gotta love it."

"Faith," Snape snapped. "I will thank you not to engage in this conversation in public. In front of me."

"Right," Faith nodded. "Sorry. Libido of a seven-year-old. Forgot about that."

Snape glared. "Classes start quite soon. I’ll be in my dungeon if you need me." With that, he stormed off to the tune of Faith’s snickering.

"I think we annoyed him," Charlie said.

"What else is new?" Faith asked. "Oh, Charlie, have you met Gilderoy Lockhart?"

Charlie gave a suspicious glare to the blond, sizing him up.

Lockhart, all of the sudden, felt very small when put next to sturdy, muscular Charlie Weasley.

Charlie raised an eyebrow. "He hasn’t been giving you problems, has he, Love?"

Lockhart cleared his throat. "Well… I’d best be off… going to sit in on Professor O’Brien’s Dark Arts class, you know. It was splendid meeting you, Professor Morgan." With that. He glided away.

"Dammit, Charlie! You scared him off!"

"I saw him put the moves on you," Charlie said. "He did!"

"So, what, Charlie? You think I’d actually go for him? First of all, I don’t go for blonds. Second of all, I don’t normally go for slimy, and third of all… Jesus, Charlie! Look in the mirror! Why would I want that scrawny little dough ball when I’ve got you?"

Charlie growled lowly.

Faith rolled her eyes and kissed him again. "Stop that. You’re turning me on, and we have classes to teach."

Charlie sighed with a smirk. "Come on. I’ll walk you to your classroom."

The moment Evelyn Black laid eyes on Gilderoy Lockhart, she hated him.

His gleaming smile, his shiny golden hair, his beautiful, prissy robes, his enthusiastic disposition.

She hated it all.

"What is that?" she asked as they walked into Defense Against the Dark Arts class that morning.

"Lockhart," Seamus informed her as they and Torianna walked into the classroom. "A big bloody arsehole."

"Jesus, he’s blonder than Professor Summers," Torianna snickered.

"Something must be done," Evelyn said determinedly. "We’re sending an owl after class."

Torianna blinked. "To who?"

Evelyn smirked.

Angel was not having a good teaching day. His fifth-year Slytherins and Gryffindors didn’t get any work done on account of Lockhart talking so much. Lockhart basically took over his fourth-year Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs, and his second-year Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws had been a disaster, no matter how on-task the ever-studious Ravenclaws tried to stay. It was obvious to Angel that the man had never faced off against anything remotely dangerous before, no matter what he claimed his books said, and it was annoying to have to sit around and listen to lies.

His seventh-year Gryffindors and Ravenclaws piled into his classroom that afternoon, specifically the Weasley twins, Lee Jordan, Katie Bell and Angelina Johnson.

Fred Weasley passed Lockhart on his way in, and patted the former professor on the shoulder. "Good to see you again, Mr. Lockhart," he said casually.

Lockhart seemed quite surprised. "Oh! Yes. Good to see you again, as well, my boy." He turned to the door, and Angel blinked.

A piece of parchment had been attached to the back of the blonde’s robes. At first, it merely read "Kick me." But a moment later, the writing changed to "I eat flobber worms," and then to "Boogers are good for you."

Angel blinked at Lockhart’s back, and then glanced at the group of snickering Gryffindors seated in the front row.

"Good afternoon, Professor O’Brien," George said pleasantly.

"Hi, George," Angel nodded. "How’s your day going?"

"Fine," George replied, with a smirk. "But it’s about to get a whole lot better."

Angel took a peek at the sign again, and noticed it had changed to "Kissing Snape is fun." He shook his head with a smirk. "I’m not gonna be able to teach my lesson today, am I?"

"Doubt it," Katie said simply.

"You didn’t happen to write ’Cops Suck’ on there, did you?" Angel asked.

"What’re cops?" Fred inquired.

Angel only shook his head again.

"So… you sing?"

Lockhart nodded to Tara. "I’m a brilliant singer."

The chorus was once again sitting on their risers. They had drafted a few new members since break had ended, including the new tenor, Justin Finch-Fletchly, new soprano, Hannah Abbott, and new alto, Sally-Anne Perks. Occasionally other stragglers would join in, such as Blaise Zabini, who seemed to get along well with Evelyn in the alto section, and Susan Bones, who seemed to think she was the best soprano ever, and was too good for the likes of their chorus.

And now Lockhart claimed he had the voice of an angel.

Giles rolled his eyes. "Alright, Gilderoy, let’s here a scale. Ron?"

Ron stepped down from the bass section, and plopped down at the piano. He was used to playing the choral warm-ups, and played a C major scale fairly slowly at the first, but decided to show off on the way back down.

Giles gave him a stern look, and he just shrugged innocently.

Lockhart cleared his throat, and let out the first note of the scale.

At that moment, Hermione walked in, trailed by Wesley, both looking into the same book. They looked up, spotted what was going on, and they both promptly turned on their heels and left.

Ron had his hands clamped over his ears in an instant. Draco dropped his folder of music, and Harry gritted his teeth. Ginny sighed, and turned around on the riser, trying not to let the rest of the group see her snickering.

Ron played the original first note. "Bloody hell, that wasn’t even close! I played a C! Was that even a note?!"

Torianna snorted, and turned around as Ginny had. Seamus sighed and rolled his eyes.

Nanc, Dart, ’Landa, Hank, and JT-

Hello from Brit-Land! Hope things are going well where you are. Things here are interesting. We’ll write more when we have the time. Enclosed are a pack of Chocolate Frogs. They rule.

We need to ask you a bit of a favor: We need two super-sized bottles of Nair. We’ll send pictures, we promise!

Love you lots!

Evey and Tori

Torianna attached the note to Bunsen’s leg.

"Who are these people?" Seamus asked, as they stood in the Owlery that afternoon.

"Our American friends," Torianna replied. "Nancy, d’Artagnon, Yolanda, Hank and Joe."

"Should we send Ozzy with him to help carry the bottles?" Evelyn asked.

Torianna glanced at the little black bat sitting on Evelyn’s shoulder. Her grandfather, the headmaster had given him to her as a Christmas gift. "Yeah. That’ll work."

"Why’d you name his Ozzy?" Seamus asked curiously.

Evelyn smirked, and patted the bat on the head. "If you can’t figure it out, I’m not going to tell you."

They let the owl and the bat fly out the window, and watched them soar away.

"So… what’s the next step in ’Operation De-blonding?" Torianna asked.

"We gotta go talk to Snape."

"Welcome to the training room, Mr. Lockhart," Faith said, leading him into the training dungeon, where Buffy was over-seeing the trio of boys, and Hermione was doing her homework on the sidelines.

"This looks… very efficient," Lockhart nodded nervously. "Who is it for?"

"The two kids beating the living hell out of each other and the other kid doing a handstand." Faith smirked. "You’re into fighting big bads, right, Locky?"

Lockhart cleared his throat. "Well, I-"

"Good!" Buffy smirked. "You can give them a few pointers. Harry, let go of Draco. Ron, stop that, you’ll make all the blood rush to your head."

Ron stood upright, and wobbled a little. "Too late," he muttered.

Hermione snickered, and Ron stuck his tongue out at her.

"So, who wants to go first?"

"Me! Me!" Draco said excitedly.

Buffy blinked at the other blond. "I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this enthusiastic, Draco."

Draco smiled brilliantly. "Just eager to train. Gotta be all I can be, after all."

Harry snorted.

Draco whirled around, lifting the finger that seemed to get the most use out of all of his fingers.

Buffy glared at the blond. "Put that finger down. Now."

Draco rolled his eyes and turned back to Lockhart. "Ready, Sir?"

Ron smirked and sat down next to Hermione. "This oughta be brilliant."

And it was.

"Gilderoy! What happened to you?" Professor MacGonagal asked in an aghast tone.

"Nothing!" Lockhart squeaked as Madame Pomfrey worked on the bruises on his face. He’d gotten a fat lip, a bloody nose and a black eye from his spar with Draco. He just didn’t know how to duck. "Just… went a few rounds with some of the students in the dungeon."

MacGonagal fumed, and whirled around to face Faith. "Professor Morgan!"

"Aw, come on, Prof Mac. Draco was just playing," Faith snickered, and lightly pinched the cheek of her blond pupil. "Wher’ncha, kid?"

"Games are fun," Draco said, sounding quite pleased with himself.

MacGonagal then turned her attention to Buffy. "And you stood by and let this happen, Professor Summers?"

"Nothing I could have said to Faith would have made her change her mind," Buffy replied. "And I can’t get all riled up now. I have a date tonight!"

MacGonagal blinked. "A… date."

Buffy nodded excitedly. "Angel’s taking me out, and I have this really cute outfit picked out, and it’s… you really don’t care, do you?… right… well… Draco, let‘s get you back down to the training room, shall we?"

MacGonagal cleared her throat. "I believe someone has detention for walloping a former teacher?"

"He asked for it!" Draco cried.

MacGonagal raised an eyebrow.

"He did!"

"Oh, yes!" Lockhart cried. "Don’t punish the boy, I volunteered to show him a few new moves. He’s blamele- ow!"

MacGonagal glared at the physical defense teachers.

Torianna squealed. "I knew they wouldn’t let us down!"

"’Dear, Ladeeth…’ Evelyn read. "Okay, now we know Hank is writing. ‘Things here are quite the same, with the exception of our new Britishish friends. They’re very lovely, and seem to fit in well. Rock. School is school is school. Thank you for the chocolate frogs, though it took us a while to keep hold of them. Rock. Enclosed are two jumbo bottles of Nair. Rock. Please do send pictures. - Love (Rock) Dart, Landa, Nanc, JT and Hank. PS: Sorry about the Rock’s. Dart kept grabbing the pen.’"

Torianna lifted the bottles and cackled.

"You want… what?"

"A sleeping potion," Evelyn replied. "A really strong one."

"Please?" Torianna begged. "I’ll never ask you why again. I promise!"

"Just… what are the two of you up to?"

"Nothing," they replied in unison.

"This scheme wouldn’t have anything to do with… say… our visiting ex-professor, would it?" Snape asked, getting up and pacing behind his dungeon desk.

"No!"

"Course not!"

Evelyn gave her professor a mocked hurt look. "How could you possibly think that of us… it’s for Draco, actually. He hasn’t been sleeping well, and since tomorrow is Saturday, we thought he could use with some-"

"Do you honestly find me this stupid?" Snape asked.

Torianna hesitated. "Don’t answer… don’t answer…"

"If you’re planning to do something dastardly to that blond boob, just say it," their Potions professor snapped.

"Dastardly…" Evelyn repeated. "What a fabulous word…"

Torianna snorted. "He said boob."

"Well?" Snape asked.

Torianna lifted one of the jumbo bottles of Nair. Snape took it, and read the label. His lips curled into a greasy, smug smirk.

"Well… why don’t I… just get on that potion of yours… it’ll be ready in twenty minutes."

"If I didn’t despise you, I hug you," Evelyn said excitedly. "We owe you."

Snape shook his head. "Just take photographs."

Torianna almost couldn’t help her snicker as she and Evelyn made their way to Lockhart’s room.

"Ssh," Evelyn said. "You’re gonna get us caught."

"Am not," Torianna replied.

When they reached the portrait hole leading to Lockhart’s room, they stopped.

"Okay," Evelyn whispered. "Wands?"

"Duh."

"Nair?"

"Yep."

"Collin Creevy’s camera?"

"Check."

"What do we have here?"

The girls turned to find two redheads holding up their lit wands standing behind them.

Evelyn sighed. "Damn. Busted."

One of the redheads lifted his wand to his face. "Not quite."

"Fred?" Torianna asked. "George?"

"You didn’t really think we’d miss this chance, did you?" George asked. He held up a large bottle that read "Hair No More" on the front.

Fred smiled brilliantly, and offered an arm to Evelyn. "What’s say we make a night out’ve this?"

Evelyn smiled, and took his arm gratefully. Torianna took hold of George’s arm, and they whispered the password.

"Magnificent Me."

The screaming the next morning woke the entire teacher’s wing. Doors flung open, and professors flung themselves out of their rooms.

Angel reached the room where all the screaming was coming from first, followed closely by Giles, Wesley, Buffy, Faith, Charlie Willow, Tara and Snape. Behind them were MacGonagal, Sprout, Dumbledore, and Trelawny.

Angel opened the door, and inside, Gilderoy Lockhart stood in his night robes, bald as Captain Pickard.

Wesley fought back his laughter. "I… It’s…" He ran from the room, and back into his own, slamming the door and proceeding laugh wildly.

Angel blinked. "Well…"

Evelyn and George smiled proudly, as they held up hands of pictures at breakfast that morning. "Balder than Mr. Clean, my friends."

Seamus shook his head. "Wow…"

Ron snickered. "Bloody brilliant."

"The best," Fred replied arrogantly.

"Did you hear that he left when he stopped screaming?" Harry asked.

"That’s relief," Hermione replied. "We didn’t get anything done in Dark Arts class yesterday. Did you see the scowl Professor O’Brien developed when Lockhart kept interrupting him?"

"But he’s always scowling," Draco pointed out.

"He’s not wrong, y’know," Ron commented.

"Hey!" Evelyn cried. "You guys are ruining our moment!" She gave out a fake sniffle. "I turned Lockhart into Professor Xavier, and you guys don’t care."

Draco rolled his eyes and kissed Evelyn on the forehead. "Eat your breakfast, love."

TBC...

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