Title: It's Complicated
Author: Dlgood
Disclaimer: I do not own them. They are not mine.
Email: dgoodman@speakeasy.net
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: BtVS through S7.11 "Showtime"
DO YOU WANT IT ARCHIVED: Ask for permission, likely to be granted
Shipper B/S

************

"You saved me. She said you wouldn't come for me, but you did. Thank you." He looks at me with such adoration and it really touches my heart. That he still believes in the ever victorius Buffy.

"Of course I came for you." Spike tilts his head and I smile at the entendre. I don't really want him to get too good a look in my eyes, because I know what he'll see, and I'd rather he not.

"Why?" It's complicated.

"Because we needed you. And we weren't going to leave you a prisoner of the first."

"That's all. What, pray tell Buffy, does 'need me' mean? And who is 'we'? Peanut gallery gave the impression that's a minority viewpoint."

I take another look around the near empty basement, stalling to figure out how to respond. It's practically the only part of the house that isn't in shambles. I'm not sure I see the point of rebuilding this place.

"What do you want me to say?" I sigh. Talking to Spike is always hard, because he tries to read so much into what I'm saying and I want to make sure he gets the proper impression.

"You're strong, and we're facing a threat. The fact that you were the one taken means something too. And, you've become part of the group. We do care about you, and that's what we do for people we care about."

"You don't have play games, pet. There's no we. It's just you. Red hardly notices me, Xander's not happy I'm here, 'bit's raging, and Anya certainly doesn't care if I'm here. So what do you really mean?"

I brush a strand of hair across my slowly healing face. This woul'd be so much easier if I weren't so worried about the flaming skies in Los Angeles, or whether anyone was looking after Faith.

"They'll come around Spike. You have a soul now, and that matters. Maybe they don't see it all right now, but they will. You have a chance to make an impact in this world, and I want to make sure you get that chance. You deserve it." The adoration starts to slip, and he seems a bit unhappy.

"So that's it. You did this favor for me, because it's what I deserve. What about what you deserve? What you feel?"

"It's complicated" He stares. Doesn't buy it. "Spike I care about you. I don't want you to suffer, if you don't have to. Can we just leave it at that."

"Can I bloody well not! I suffer plenty, whether at her hand or not, and I do it for you. Everything for you. Tell me."

"I can't tell you what you need to hear. Don't pressure me." I do care about Spike. He's a mess, and over the last few years, we've both made him that way. "My answering those questions isn't going to help you get better."

He lifts his battered eyebrow at the statement. "Funny. Not answering isn't helping me all that much either."

"Look Spike. Making sure that you are what you need to be is tremendously important to me." Everybody knows that. They can read into it whatever they want. "I have my reasons, but I'm not explaining."

"Just promise that you'll explain."

I look back at him, as I ascend the staircase. "Someday Spike. Someday I'll tell you."

I'll tell you that it was all a part of my plan. That I needed to get you out of that cave, and that I needed you to be at peace. That all of your suffering was just a hoax, to give you all the false confidence that they all needed. To accept removing that chip from your skull. I'll tell you that I've hated what you become. A despairing wreck of a demon who couldn't hunt, feed, or cause proper mayhem among your easiest targets. I'd failed to make you a better demon, and you got a soul for it. I'll tell you that I need to help you get better. That you're the First Evil's #1 client. And I can fix you right, so that you can become that amazing demon that I always knew you could be. And if I can get you well, then maybe I'm just as bad as I always thought I was.

But how the hell can I explain that now? You need my support. You need to believe in yourself, and you need other people to believe in you. You won't understand. And you won't heal. And then you won't be of any use to me.

END

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