*~*~*

"READY GIRLS! OKAY!"

Buffy was wearing her biggest smile as she fell into formation, taking her place right next to Cordelia in the triangular pattern they were in. This was mostly a clapping cheer, something easy for all the newcomers, so all the pom-poms had been discarded by the bleachers before Cordelia, as head cheerleader, began shouting out the orders in an overly peppy and obviously fake tone.

Buffy had to laugh…not only had she made the squad, a clear step up from last years second alternate, but in most of the formations she had been placed right next to Cordelia. It was the perfect set-up for the private competition they engaged in everyday. Everyday since the second grade when they had met and proclaimed a mutual hatred for each other. Now, as mature high schoolers’ they had the means to carry it out more efficiently. Buffy wanted nothing more than to be better than Cordelia, and Cordelia wanted nothing more than to rip Buffy’s spine out and jam it up her ass…it was really pretty even handed.

"LIKE AWESOME, OH WOW!" the cheer started and Buffy clapped in time with the words, trying to best the girl next to her with her enthusiasm.

"LIKE TOTALLY FREAK ME OUT! LIKE TOTALLY, RIGHT ON! THE RAZORBACKS SURE ARE NUMBER ONE!" the cheer ended with the customary round of high kicks and screams, and the expected round of applause from the guys in the bleachers.

"Alright ladies," the coach drew their attention and they all drew into a scattered circle. Buffy was only half listening as she congratulated them in a hard days practice as her eyes scanned the bleachers for her friends…well, one friend in particular.

She spotted Jesse, who was more than likely, there for Paige, who Buffy briefly noticed was also not paying close attention to the coach as she did some serious eye flirting with her friend. She rolled her eyes at him when she saw him making kissing gestures towards the other girl and she scanned the rest if the bench he was sitting on, which didn’t take much. Buffy spotted Scott sitting next to him and he gave her the obligatory excited wave when he saw her look at him.

She felt genuinely bad that he was there…still refusing to let her go, even after she told him that she wasn’t ready to go out with him again after nearly four months of separation. But it was true…she couldn’t be with him feeling the way she did. It wasn’t fair to him, and it wasn’t fair to her, and, it seemed more importantly, it wasn’t fair to Xander. Not that the last fact mattered at all, because it seemed that she would never to be able to make it fair for Xander…and the reasons for that were far to many and complicated for her to deal with without getting a splitting headache.

But Scott, being the guy that he was, refused to just let her walk out of his life…he said that if nothing else we would wait until she was ready if as nothing more than a friend, And a friend he became…if friend meant a suffocating, smothering, psychopathic stalker boy…he was her best friend.

Buffy waved back feebly at him and him alone. See…they were the only two who had come to see her that day. She knew that Xander had swim practice, but he had, at least for the past two weeks, come to watch her right after he was done. She liked that. She always seemed to practice better knowing that he was there watching her.

But, today, like yesterday, and everyday that week, for a matter of fact, he hadn’t been there.

She felt like she had hardly spoken to him at all, and that fact bothered her a lot. Buffy tried to shake it off as she headed towards the locker room as fast as she could in hopes if avoiding having to talk to Scott. She hoped that Jesse could talk him into giving him a ride home, at least that way she wouldn’t have to BS some excuse as to why she wasn’t going home yet.

Everyday after practice Buffy had to head to the library to train with Giles. He had finally roped her into this Slayer thing and now it had thoroughly taken over her life. In the end, Buffy knew that she couldn’t just let people die…not when she had the power to stop it. Or as Giles had told her, she was destined to stop it…or die trying. It seemed that of all her childhood dreams, her true destiny lay in fighting the forces of darkness until she died at a disturbingly young age.

So she slayed. Every night for the last two and a half weeks she fought and bled and bruised and beheaded and staked everything that crawled out of the ground or sewer. Oh did she have the bruises to prove it too. She may have Slayer strength and healing, but she was still new to the game, and Giles was still complaining that she was taking too many hits, herself, to be truly effective.

All this criticism, Buffy noted, while he hid behind a tombstone and did as his title claimed…watched.

But, at the end of the day, all this slaying, when added onto school and cheerleading practice, friends, and the already minimal amount of time she spent with her family, meant that she had no time for her. Not that she craved the loner life style or even needed countless hours to mull over her life; she just missed having the option to if she wanted. Buffy was loosing herself, and she was always so tired all the time now, and the aches, while they healed quickly, were accumulating faster than her body could deal…

Xander noticed.

Nobody but Xander noticed…and she couldn’t even talk to him about it. All she could do was say that she was fine, give him a smile, and change the subject. Buffy hated that she couldn’t tell the one person in her life that she had always told everything to this. He couldn’t know this…the biggest thing in her life…the one thing that could end her life. She hated that when she cried herself to sleep at night, because, as of late everything was proving to be too much, she couldn’t go to Xander and have him make it all better. She had a feeling that he could, she just couldn’t let him.

Buffy trudged warily out of the locker room, still in her practice clothes, on her way to the library. It was Friday and she knew that Giles was going to work her extra hard. She didn’t know where she had developed any type of martial arts skills, but she had them now, and had absolutely no idea what to do with them, as her Watcher had so pointedly put it. And he had to show her exactly what to do as he intended to sent her out on a solo patrol on Monday.

Solo patrol.

All that meant to Buffy was that there would be no one in shouting distance to call an ambulance when some monster beat the living shit out of her and left her to die in the dirt.

Her eyes were closed as her feet carried her to the library but she stopped when she heard her name called…it was Scott, her mind recognized immediately. <Dammit!> her mind cursed. Not only had she not seen Xander that afternoon, which undoubtly assured that he was avoiding her again, but now she hadn’t even spent enough time in the bathroom to miss Scott.

"Hey," she greeted, turning to face him, hoping she didn’t sound too irritated. "What’s up?"

Scott came up to face her, noticing her slouched stance, "Nothing much. You?" he asked, a small smile in place.

Buffy shrugged her shoulders, "Eh," she couldn’t think of anything else to say, so she left it at that. She knew it was pathetic, but she was tired. Plus, less conversation should be less encouragement for him.

He continued his study of her and let out a breathy chuckle, "That good huh?" he got another shoulder shrug. "You were good in practice," Scott noted, "Very cheery, but now I see that was just an act."

"I’m just tired," Buffy stated, "Once I get a power nap in I should be right as rain."

"In time for the Bronze tonight?" he asked hopefully, "Cuz I could swing by your house and pick you up."

Buffy sighed and shook her head, seeing right through yet another one of his attempts to engage her in a date-like scenario. "I can’t tonight," she saw him waiting for an explanation and her mind worked furiously to come up with one, "Dad’s stressing a family night, so I’m roped into it…cuz I’m in the family and all…"

Scott nodded in agreement, "I hear that. My Mom insists on Sunday’s though."

"Listen Scott," Buffy started with the clear intent of ending this conversation for now, "I’m…"

"Do you need a ride home?" Scott asked suddenly, cutting her off, "I could give you a lift if your so tired…you shouldn’t be walking…especially with your eyes closed." he leaned in and laughed slightly.

Buffy smiled back at him for a moment, "You have no idea how much I want to say yes…"

"Great!" Scott interjected, reaching to take her gym bag from her, but Buffy shifted her shoulder away from him so that he missed the strap.

"But…" she started again.

"Of course…but. There’s always a but…"

"I’ve got some more stuff to do here," Buffy stated, now put off by his tone and new demeanor.

Scott shook his head, "I could wait…"

"Not necessary," Buffy insisted, "I’m just…"

"Fine," Scott held up his hands and took a small step back, "Listen Buff, I…I’m running on auto-pilot here," he watched Buffy’s eyes close as she dropped her head so he continued, "I don’t know what to do without you."

"You haven’t really been without me yet," Buffy pointed out, "Maybe if you try it for a little bit I’ll believe you more."

"You know what I mean," Scott sighed and looked around the empty hall, "Do you know how hard it is to go from couple to friend?" Buffy didn’t respond, mostly because she didn’t have a response to his question, and she assumed that she wasn’t supposed to. "I don’t understand why, Buffy. And I don’t think you do either…"

"You don’t know what I understand, so don’t attempt to tell me that you do." Buffy said to him, finally meeting his eyes with a fierce gaze.

Scott knew he had crossed a line, but having dating her, this wasn’t the first time that had happened, so he knew to back off. He changed his tone when he spoke next, "That’s not what I meant…I just…you’re not dating anyone…"

"How can I when my ex is trailing me all day and night?" Buffy asked semi-sarcastically.

Scott’s gaze fell, "So if I weren’t, you would be? Is that what you’re saying?"

"No," Buffy denied, "I’m just saying…it’s not like you’re giving me the ideal situation to work with."

"I just want you back, Buffy," his voice held a hint of pleading in it, "I don’t know what I did to loose you…"

"You didn’t do anything…"

"But I can’t not have you in my life…God, Buffy; I don’t know what it is about you…"

Buffy looked at him and it seemed like he was going to cry, "Scott, I really have to go." She said before the situation progressed any further.

He shook his head, "Just let me tell you this…please Buffy. You…something about you…I need. I need you."

"I’ll see you later," Buffy said, turning and walking away quickly. "Bye," she called over her shoulder without looking back. She heard him call her name, but she kept walking, not hearing his footsteps behind her. She took a deep breath, and pushed open the door to the library taking in Giles’ form waiting for her at the large table in the middle of the room. Her day couldn’t get any worse if someone were to literally throw human feces on her, and here this man sat, looking at her as if he couldn’t be more disappointed in anybody else in the world.

No.

Buffy shot Giles a look as he was about to comment on her tardiness and he immediately shut up. She made her way over to the punching dummy and began the workout that he had outlined for her in the beginning of the week, executing it so efficiently as if she were daring him to interrupt her. She didn’t want to hear anything anybody had to say…Not now. Right now she just wanted to get this done and then sleep until it was time to put her training into practice and then sleep again. And that was exactly what she was going to do, and no stuffy old Englishman with a power complex was going to stop her.

*~*~*

"Come now, Buffy!" came the muffled English accent through the padded face mask, "You are hardly even trying…"

Giles was easily staving off all of her half-hearted attacks and landing a few effortless smacks to her sides and head as he backed her across the room. He watched Buffy fall into another fighting stance and saw her shift her weight, dropping her right shoulder and he knew to block the left hook and right front snap kick that followed. "You’re still dropping your shoulder…Alright," he sighed finally, taking off the helmet. "We’re taking a break."

"Good," Buffy huffed out, not bothering to adjust the hair which had loosened form her ponytail and fallen into her face. She picked up her water bottle form the table and took a large gulp before dropping heavily into her seat with her eyes closed.

Giles watched her for a moment and then approached her as she sat. "What is the problem, Buffy?" he asked, hoping that his tone displayed a sense of interest instead of distain at the sub par fighting skills she had displayed all afternoon.

"Like you care," Buffy muttered. Apparently he had failed in his task. "You’re job isn’t to care about me, it’s to take notes on what keeps me alive for one more day."

Giles sighed and moves to the other side of the table to take a seat facing her. "That," he faltered, thinking for a moment, "That is hardly the case." He watched Buffy raise a skeptical eyebrow at him, "While it is my job to keep you alive, a part of devising that plan comes from caring about you. If something is bothering you, perhaps if we talked about it, we could resolve the issue…I’d hate to send you out with something plaguing you and leave you at a mental disadvantage. When you slay all of you must be there…"

"And there you go with the slaying again," Buffy let out an irritated sigh. "C’mon Giles, admit it, you don’t even like me." She challenged him.

"P...P…Pardon?" Giles stammered under her glare, which seemed to be more curious than threatening.

"I’m just an annoying little self-centered brat, who doesn’t listen to anybody and who always has her head in the clouds and you can’t stand me." Buffy elaborated smugly before taking another sip of water.

Giles thought back for a moment and knew that she would likely take his hesitation as an affirmative to her accusations. Granted he didn’t understand her a majority of the time…she spoke in a mutilated version of the English language that passed for normal here, she was overly obsessed with her appearance, she really didn’t listen to him at all, and she displayed a total indifference to her calling as Slayer. She simply would not follow any of the rules that most all other Slayers had adhered to, and frankly Giles didn’t have a clue on how to deal with her, other than to just teach her what he could and sit back while she made her own way. Truth be told, as morbid and sad as it was, he didn’t expect to know her long at all…the way she behaved now on patrol.

"Fine," Buffy spoke again, resigning at his silence, "You don’t have to answer. Are we done here?"

"Buffy," Giles started shaking his head, "It is true that I have little experience in dealing with teenage girls, and I thank the Lord for that," he added, "But, even if that is the case, I most certainly do not hold any contempt for you."

"One day you’re gonna have to use less words in a sentence."

Giles scoffed at her and sat back in his seat, "Well, I shall not offer any form of comfort in the future if all I’ll receive his criticism."

"Sorry Giles." Buffy said dutifully and dropped her gaze to the table.

He watched her stifle a yawn and heard her speak again, "I’m just tired, that’s all. We were out so late last night and I had a history test first period…"

"Perhaps of you gave up the frivolous extracurricular activities that you insist you engage in." Giles suggested and Buffy glared at him.

"I spent two hours at the Bronze with my friends, who by the way, I hardly see at all during the week." She defended angrily.

"And of this pep squad endeavor?" he asked, eyebrows raised.

Buffy matched his condescending tone, "I’m not giving up cheerleading. You want me to be normal and not draw the attention of my parents than you’re going to have to learn to live with it…"

"Never, in the history of the craft did a Slayer have so many distractions…"

"I’m not giving up my friends and I’m not giving up cheerleading. That’s what I am…those two things…that’s all I am…"

"Not any more. Now the world, literally, rests on you’re shoulders." Giles took a deep breath as his charge focused again on the patterns in the wood of the table, "Listen Buffy, I know you don’t like it, but there are certain aspects of your life that must be altered. You are the Slayer now…frankly you are lucky that you are still residing with your family…"

Buffy looked at him with wide eyes, "So what? You guys take away these girls social lives and then move them into a commune filled with old men?" She shook her head, "Are you sure they’re dying from demonic causes, cuz I’m halfway sure it’s self inflicted."

"Are we quite through?" Giles asked standing up and preparing to put his helmet back in place.

"I am," Buffy stood up. "I’ve been awake since forever and I’m going home. I’ll see you tonight at Westlake Park." Buffy started out of the door not waiting for a response from the older man, but suddenly turned to add, "I said I’d slay things, but I’m gonna do it on my terms. If you want this job done for however long I’m able to do it, I suggest that the rule book you’re reading from gets rewritten or thrown out." And with that she turned and left the room.

*~*~*

It was about 5:30 when Buffy finally opened the front door of her home, immediately dropping her book and gym bags on the floor. She had called Willow from her cell phone from the locker room after she had stormed out on Giles in the library and told her that they would have to reschedule the mall trip. Willow had understood, and said that it was probably good idea since her tutoring session with Xander was running a lot bit long.

Buffy was glad that the locker room was completely empty as she proceeded to take one of the longest and hottest showers she ever had all while laughing bitterly to herself.

Tutoring session with Xander…

She had completely forgotten, and she had been so pissed at him during her training session with Giles that he hadn’t shown for the end of her practice that she could hardly even see straight. And here he was taking her up on her suggestion that he ask Willow for help with math.

But, Buffy justified herself, that excuse only stood for today…why he had been MIA the rest of the week was completely out of line. She knew he wasn’t studying every afternoon the whole week.

Buffy sighed and wandered into the kitchen, tucking her still wet hair behind her ears as she headed for the refrigerator.

"What?" her mother’s voice beconed from the counter behind her, "I don’t get a greeting? Not that I’d expect one, being as though I don’t even get a call when you’re going to be three hours late from school."

Buffy shut her eyes for a moment before turning and speaking to her mother, "Hi mom," she promptly turned and restarted her rummage through the fridge. "I’m sorry about that, practice…"

"Was over at 3:45," Joyce exasperated, "I got the schedule in the mail." She heard Buffy sigh, but still refuse to meet her gaze, "So…where were you?"

"At school." Buffy answered simply.

"Doing what?"

"Studying. Listen mom, I just lost track of time…" Buffy grabbed the loaf of bread and the jar of peanut butter and headed to the kitchen island.

"I wasn’t aware that studying required a shower afterwards," Joyce commented as she moved about the kitchen, busying herself with preparing dinner, "And dinner is almost ready," she noted when she saw Buffy getting ready to make a sandwich.

"I wasn’t aware that I couldn’t bathe when I choose too," Buffy commented in much the same way her mother had, "And I’m hungry now, I didn’t eat lunch…"

"Well, what were you doing then," Joyce removed a dish from the stove, "I mean, you weren’t on campus…" she threw in, "At least that’s what the school called to tell me."

Buffy rolled her eyes and sighed. Giles had sent her out to case this house that he said there was a vampire nest in…it was where she was going to go clear out tonight. She had missed fourth through sixth period walking through Sunnydale trying to find the goddamned place…and apparently somebody had noticed. "I went for a run."

Joyce just narrowed her eyes at her daughter who refused to look at her, knowing that she was lying. "Buffy," she started watching her put the two peanut butter smothered pieces of bread together and move to put the ingredients away, "I don’t want you to lie to me…"

"Who’se lying?" Buffy asked, picking up her sandwich, "I was having a bad day, and you know working out helps me get through that…"

"Not in the middle of the day, it doesn’t." Joyce disagreed, "Now I didn’t tell your father, but I don’t want this to happen again."

"Yes mother," Buffy sighed and walked towards the door.

Joyce suddenly became angry at her daughters attitude. "I always assumed that you could tell me anything…that you would tell me anything…if something was going on…with you."

"Well, I guess you assumed wrong," Buffy mumbled from the doorway.

"Buffy Anne Summers," Joyce said angrily. Buffy turned around slowly, knowing that tone meant that her mother wouldn’t take anymore shit from her. "You will not walk away from me." Buffy nodded dumbly and remained in place. "You can tell me anything," Joyce continued more calmly, "I want to help you…"

Buffy rose her hand to take a bite of her sandwich, but then lowered it before she could, "Mom," she tried to sound reassuring; "There’s nothing to help…seriously."

"I know you broke up with Scott, and if this is because…"

"It’s not," Buffy cut in hastily, "It’s not about him…it’s not about anything…there’s nothing for it to be about, really."

Joyce nodded, still not believing her, "I know you’re growing up Buffy…I know…things...are changing…with you. I want you to know we can talk about it. We can talk about anything."

Buffy regarded her mother as she seemed to have forgotten momentarily about the dinner she was fixing. She could she the obvious concern in her eyes, but then again, it was always there, she was a mom. Buffy sighed, considering how easy it would be to just tell her mother everything. She could tell her all about the Slaying and she would forbid it based solely on the insaneness of the whole idea and Buffy would never have do it again. Her life could get back to normal and then she could focus on her more normal problems…namely one Xander Harris, and worrying whether or not she passed her biology quiz, and talking her Dad into buying her a car when she got her permit.

Or she would tell her Mom everything and she would have her committed to the Sunnydale Institute, because, lets face it, vampires and demons are figments of the imagination. Buffy’d have to be crazy to think that her mother would buy that she was dead tired because she spent an average of six hours a day training and fighting "fake" monsters every night. Oh, she’d for sure be committed. But her Mom had no idea about that aspect of her life, and she seemed to think the root of all Buffy’s problems lay in the boy-factor…that she could work with…

"We already had that talk," Buffy smirked for the first time and listened to her mother release a breath. "You remember boys and girls and how they’re different, and all find out about that once I fall in love well after the age of 25… To tell you the truth, I kinda lost Dad when he started talking about squirrels and trees and the Love Handshake, and that was pretty early on."

Joyce laughed, relaxing a little bit, "I may never be able to undo the damage done by that conversation. Now, at least I know to handle it myself with Dawn."

Buffy chuckled and nodded in agreement, "Listen Mom, nothing is going on. And if it were I’d tell you…I promise." Buffy hated herself for building up her mother’s confidence and then lying right to her face. "I’m gonna go to my room now," she said now backing out of the kitchen, "I’m gonna go to the Bronze later."

Joyce nodded and watched her leave, "I’ll call you when dinner’s done," she called out after her and heard her daughter yell "Okay" back down the steps.

Buffy walked up the steps while eating her sandwich, thinking how good it was to finally be thinking about nothing but the two tasks of chewing and walking. Oh how she loved the simple life. Now all she had to do was ensure that her mother didn’t have any other reasons to be suspicious of her activities…she’d have to be extra crafty to pull that off, since she had only been the Slayer for a couple weeks and she was already being questioned. She’d have to run by something with Giles to offer an excuse…like, a book club or something, she thought.

"Loser," she heard her little sister’s voice call from behind her just as she was about to step into the sanctuary of her room.

Buffy sighed and looked over her shoulder, "What do you want Dawn?" she asked in her patented ‘I hate you’ voice, which was reserved for Dawn, Cordelia, and sometimes Jesse and Xander.

"I need to wear your purple tank top," the ten year old spoke as she stepped out into the hall.

"Why?" Buffy turned to question her, and then narrowing her eyes when she saw the girl already had the shirt in question on. "Did you go through my room to get that?" she asked taking a step towards her.

"You don’t even wear it anymore!" Dawn yelled.

"It doesn’t matter if I don’t wear it, it’s my shirt! And I told you NEVER to go into my room!" Buffy yelled back.

"Why," the younger girl questioned, "You afraid I’ll find your precious diary in the super secret hiding place under you pillow." She watched her sister’s eyes widen momentarily and continued, "Besides, this shirt probably doesn’t even fit you anymore," Dawn smirked and gestured to the half sandwich in Buffy’s hand. "Plus, Mom said I could have it."

Buffy sneered at her younger sister, trying to fight every urge to go over there and rip the shirt off of her… and possibly beat her for searching through her room, she’d play that by ear. "It’s not hers to give."

"But it doesn’t fit you anymore, right Tubbs?" Dawn laughed.

The older girl turned briefly to set the sandwich in her room before facing Dawn again, "At least I’ve got something for it to fit to…why do you even want it, it’s just hanging on you."

Now it was Dawn’s turn to sneer back, "Should I ask Scott Hope about that?"

"Prick." Buffy shot at her.

"Slut."

"Brat."

"Mutant."

"Adopted." Buffy finished off triumphantly and watched her sister’s face fall. The ‘adopted’ comment always won the war if she didn’t break after the ‘slut’ shot.

"DAD!!!!!!!!" Dawn shrieked, and Buffy watched as Hank Summers stumbled half asleep out of the master bedroom.

He wiped his hand over his face and through his hair as he approached his youngest daughter, "What is it Dawny?" he asked with sleepy concern.

"Look what you did now," Buffy accused her sister angrily; "You woke Dad up. Way to go, you little walking turd."

"I’d rather be a walking turd than a dumb, fat cheerleader…who skipped school for half the day," Dawn added with a bright smile just as Hank reached her.

Buffy narrowed her eyes at the girl as her father rose to face her, now suddenly awake. "What’s that Buffy?" he asked looking at her from the other end of the hall.

"I heard Mom listen to the message when we got home," Dawn spoke to her father while receiving the death glare from her sister. "She skipped three classes."

Hank rubbed his eyes, "Go watch some TV, Sweetie." He told the younger girl, leaving Dawn to run down the steps while sticking her tongue out at Buffy on her way.

Buffy just glared at her in promise that she would receive a sever ass kicking once their parents left her with babysitting duties. "Dad…"

"I will not have you skipping school Buffy," her father spoke, unwilling to listen to whatever she had to say.

She hung her head under her dad’s disapproving gaze. "I don’t know what’s been going on with you recently Buffy, but it stops here. You’re grounded." He settled.

Buffy’s eyes flew up to meet his and widened in protest, "DAD!!! You can’t…"

"Every second you spend arguing with me over what I can’t do is one more week you’ll be spending your nights at home, with no phone and no TV."

Buffy dropped her head, trying to contain her anger at the situation. She had always threatened to kill Dawn before, but now….now she had the physical means to make it a reality. "I already promised Xander I’d meet them at the Bronze tonight…"

"Well you’re going to cancel." Hank stated.

"I hardly even see him…them... anymore…" Buffy pleaded.

"You’ll see them at school. And at the end of two weeks, I’ll decide whether or not you’ll see them on weekends."

"Two weeks?!" Buffy whined, her voice involuntarily high pitched, "It’s not like I robbed a bank…"

"Three weeks. Don’t push me Buffy."

She dropped her head, her teeth grit together and her father was speaking again, "Now wash up and get ready for dinner. You’re going to eat one meal this week with your family."

Buffy watched him with narrowed eyes as he turned and walked back into his room, leaving her alone in the hall with her seething anger. She turned on her heel and stamped into her bedroom, making sure to slam the door behind her.

She couldn’t stop the tears anymore and she dropped herself into her bed, burying her face in the pillows as her body wracked with sobs. Buffy had claimed to hate her life before, but now it was true. She hated her fucking life…she hated every part of it…

Her chin was shaking as she pulled back from the pillows and she sniffed to control her tears. She had to get out of here. Buffy quickly pushed herself off the bed and stumbled across the room to lock the door; hopefully after that incident they wouldn’t even expect her at the dinner table. She wiped at her eyes clumsily and made her way to the window.

Xander fixed these things for her, and things had gotten beyond being able to be fixed by a four hour long phone call, and the crowded atmosphere of the Bronze couldn’t facilitate how she needed her friend. She needed just them and everything else would fall into place.

Buffy made her way over to her window and opened it, easily slipping outside onto the porch roof. She had been doing this ever since she began patrolling so now she had a fool proof plan to get to the ground safely, and she slipped over the side of the house and dropped quietly to the ground below, just to the right of one of the living room windows. She didn’t look back as she took off in a full tilt run towards the Harris house, hoping against hope that Xander was back form studying with Willow…and if not, he had a low roof right outside his window as well, so she’d make do. Buffy would wait for him all night, if she had too, because right now this was all she had left.

*~*~*

Buffy wiped her hands down the sides of the gray sweat pants she was wearing to dry them of the sweat that had accumulated during her run to his house. She could see the lights on in the living room, but decided against ringing the doorbell.

She figured that if her parents found out that she wasn’t in her room, Xander’s would be the first they called, and if Xander’s parents knew she was there, they would probably, under section 7 code B of the parents code, give her up. If that were to happen, with the way her father was over-reacting, she would probably loose her "privilege" of hanging out with him all together. Her father was already getting skeptical of her close relationship with Xander, and even though Hank tried to hide it, the fact that he barged into her room every fifteen minutes whenever the teenaged boy was in his home proved otherwise.

Buffy gripped the drain pipe on the side of the house and hoisted herself up using her newfound strength to her full advantage. She climbed onto the primary porch roof and stuck to the wall as she inched towards Xander’s window, seeing the yellow light emanating from within. She had ducked to clear the window at the end of the hall way in hopes of avoiding his parents seeing her, but rose slightly once she reached the outside of his room. Using her Slayer stealth, as she had dubbed it, Buffy peered into the corner of the window and her breath involuntarily caught in her throat.

Xander stood with his back to the window, towel wrapped around his waist and another draped over his shoulders. Buffy swallowed and watched him dig through a drawer, eventually pulling out a black tank top and pulling it over his head. <He’s probably getting ready to come over to my place so we can go to the Bronze.> she thought, but then gasped and lost her balance, dropping into a seated position on the roof and loosing her line of sight into the room. Although her tears had since stopped she was shaking again…she supposed that was what she deserved, playing "peeping tom" on her best friends roof…not that she had meant to…it was just so tempting…and now she had seen…

Xander had always seemed more lanky than built to her, even in the summer when they had gone to the beach and he had spent the majority of the time in just board shorts. But, she had guessed the swim team workouts did have there advantages, as he seemed to have…filled out…muscle-wise, at least from behind. Buffy giggled and smiled a little to herself…Xander’s ass wasn’t bad…not bad at all. She wondered about the front…

She collected herself and craned her head up slightly to look back through the window…

Xander glanced towards his window when he thought he heard something fall outside. "What the…" He pulled on some basketball shorts and headed for it.

He stopped suddenly, "Weapon," he reminded himself and snatched up the nearest object…his hair brush. Xander snorted and threw it back down on the dresser, "Very threatening…Oh, mister intruder, please don’t attack me, not when I can help you get rid of those pesky split ends…" he chastised himself while he looked for something heavier. His first place regionals swim meet trophy.

Xander quickly grabbed it up and headed across the room. He peered outside into the darkness and saw nothing, which meant nothing; because the sound he heard was too close…it came from the roof. He took a deep breath and steeled himself and gripped the window frame with one hand. He flung the window open with one hand and raised the trophy with the other, prepared to bash it over the head of the sick perv who was watching him get dressed. "I GOT YOU…Buffy?"

Buffy fell back again at his yell and her hands came up to shield her face. "Buffy?" Xander asked again, his voice oozing concern as he tossed the weapon onto his bed and extended his hand to her through the window.

He pulled her into the room, "How long have you been there?" he asked immediately his tone turning more embarrassed than anything else, "Cuz I just got outta the shower and…"

Buffy allowed him to pull her inside and ducked her face to hide her blush, "Not long," she said quietly, setting herself before she looked at him. She raised her face slowly and realization dawned on his features instantaneously.

"What’s the matter Buffy?" he asked his eyes wide as he gripped her shoulders, "Why couldn’t you use the door? Did something happen after practice…I told Jesse to wait for you…"

Buffy shook her head and peered at him in a total sense of awe that he had actually told Jesse to watch out for her when he knew that he couldn’t be there himself. Xander was always doing things like that for her. "I didn’t want your parents to know I was here," she admitted, "I sorta snuck out…Dad totally wigged on me…"

Xander’s hand rose to cup her face, seeing that her eyes were still red, and there were still slightly blotchy spots on her cheeks. Buffy always got blotchy after she had been crying. "What happened?"

Buffy involuntarily leaned into his warm palm, but it was removed as soon as he recognized the action and she felt him move them completely as he sat them down on the edge of his bed. "I just…there’s so much," her voice caught in her throat, "and you…you’ve been avoiding me…and I just…I needed you, and I wasn’t allowed to leave the house tonight…"

Xander gave her a lopsided grin and denied, "I have not been avoiding you…How could I possibly avoid you?"

"Easy," Buffy was beginning to sniffle again, "you see me and then you run the other way…"

"That’s insane Buffy. You know I don’t run anywhere." He joked.

Buffy didn’t even acknowledge his joke, but instead kept talking, "And you stopped coming to my practices…and calling me…"

"I called," Xander insisted, "You didn’t return them…I got the feeling that you didn’t want to talk to me…"

Buffy sighed and looked down at the bed, "That’s all I want."

Xander watched as she brought her feet up onto his bed and hugged her knees to herself, "All I’ve wanted all week was to talk to you," she admitted softly not meeting his gaze, but feeling it on her. "There’s so much I need to tell you that I just couldn’t over the phone…or with everybody around."

"Well you’ve got me cornered now," he joked and punched her lightly in the knee.

"And I can’t tell you," she whispered, "I can’t tell you anything..."

Now Xander was confused, "You’re going to have to help me here Buff, cuz I don’t know what you’re getting at here. Should I guess what’s wrong?" He waited for her to respond…to even look at him, but she didn’t. "Or maybe I wouldn’t get it in a million years," he added bitterly and scooted himself back towards the head board. "I used to be able to bat a thousand in the what’s Buffy thinking game." He pointed out, in a sad tone, with his eyes closed, "Now…now I’m lucky to even hit a grounder. I don’t know…"

Xander trailed off and his eyes snapped open when he felt the bed shift under her movement and suddenly his right shoulder was pinned to the mattress by Buffy’s weight. She shimmied up next to him and fit her head under his shin as she aligned her body beside his, her right arm draping across his chest and grasping the minimal amount of excess fabric of his tank top. When Buffy next released a breath he felt it warm his chest through the thin material.

He hadn’t been expecting this, so, completely unsure of how to react, raised his arm slightly and encircled it around her waist. "Is this ok?" he asked quietly against the top of her head.

Buffy nodded slightly against him, "This is what I needed." She whispered, "I don’t know anything but this anymore." This was the first time in a long time that she was completely defenseless in front of anybody…there was nobody that she trusted herself enough to. Buffy resigned to just let herself feel through this situation, not to over think and excessively analyze, but to just be here. She let out another deep breath and moved even closer against him, smiling as she felt him tense momentarily at increase in contact before forcing himself to relax against her.

"Didn’t you miss this?" Buffy asked after a few minutes of silence.

Xander was caught up in staring down at the top of her head and was startled by the question, "Uh…yeah…"he croaked out nervously, "I did…I missed us."

"Me too," Buffy whispered again and let her eyes drop close, "I missed us."

Xander had seen confused, walked passed it, and was now careening into the land of ‘What in the holy fuck in going on here?!’. He had no idea on how to read this. All week she had been preoccupied with something and had treated him like it didn’t matter if he spoke to her or took up permanent residence in Iceland. But now, she had come over to his house…snuck over to his house crying in the dark proclaiming that she ‘just needed to see him’ and she ‘missed them’ and now with the major snuggleage. And that just made things more difficult since, as a guy, he was finding it difficult to concentrate on what he wanted to. He wanted to find out just what exactly it was that she wanted to talk about, but insisted that he couldn’t know…but feeling Buffy pressed up against him, all soft and solid and warm, just like he had been dreaming about day and night for months…and hearing her breath against him, apparently inhaling his scent through his shirt every so often…her breasts, which he had been more than a little preoccupied with for the last little while, pressed tightly against his side…her hand clutching at his shirt, clinging to him as if she had found something she had thought she lost and now never intended to let go again…

It all made forming proper sentences pretty hard on him.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath his senses being flooded by the scent of Buffy’s shampoo, telling him that she had obviously showered before coming to see him. Xander’s exhale brought with it a low rumble from his chest, which he tried to cover up with a small throat clear and he adjusted his legs slightly…speaking of hard on him…

"Well," his voice was raspy and he tried to think about his grandma Ruth and various episodes of ‘When Animals Attack’ to side track the response his body was having involuntarily. He couldn’t risk Buffy glancing down and seeing his hard on, thus forever proving that he was a huge pig because while she needed him as a shoulder to cry on, he was using her as fuel for a never ending wet dream. "We’re here now."

Buffy shifted her right legs and moved it over his and Xander inhaled a sharp breath as her thigh came to rest right over his groin, putting a slight pressure on him…but she didn’t move it…she just lay tense for a moment before relaxing again. "Can I tell you something Xander?" she asked finally, ignoring what she thought she felt against her leg.

Xander gulped, "Uh huh."

Buffy swallowed, knowing that this situation was awkward. Rest assured, it went both ways. She had little first hand contact with the boy in the horny variety, outside of Scott, but she had learned all about that stuff in sex-ed last year. And truth be told, she had never, until recently, even considered Xander in that light, even after she realized that she was harboring a huge crush on him. Until now…her best friends erection pressed against her leg, was the most contact that she’d ever had with the male sexual organ…besides when Scott had tried to get her to touch his and she had derailed that make-out session as if she were suddenly afraid that she’d catch the Ebola virus if it lasted one more minute longer.

But now the only way to deal with the situation seemed to be to act as if it were completely normal- for them, since, she assumed, other than the fact that it was them together, it was completely normal.

"You have to promise just to listen to it first," she insisted, still not looking up at him.

"I promise," he said wondering why she sounded so ashamed all of the sudden. It made his stomach lurch at all the possibilities of the things she could possibly want to tell him, but felt that she couldn’t…what could possibly drive her aversive demeanor earlier in the week. He didn’t know what this was about, but he was already pretty sure he would have to kick Scott’s ass tomorrow.

"This is going to sound stupid…you’ll think I’m crazy…"

"I’m a firm believer that as a woman you’re already predisposed to crazy," he joked without a laugh. "Just tell me Buff…whatever it is I want to know."

Buffy took a deep breath, "Nobody else is supposed to know this."

I promise I won’t tell anybody Buffy…I swear it’ll just stay in this room."

She could tell when he was being totally honest. She was one of the few people who got to see this side of Alexander Harris…she might be the only one…the only one who didn’t just get the joker. "Do you believe in vampires?" she asked quietly while tightening her hold on him and pulling herself just a little closer.

"Vampires?" Xander repeated, serious doubt clouding his voice, "Like from the movies…like Dracula?"

Buffy bit her lower lip, "Do you?" she repeated.

"Naw, Buff," Xander chuckled a little and felt Buffy move to pull away. He let her go, unsure of why she wanted more distance between them and if it was his place to protest. "That stuff is fake." He said finally able to see her eyes. She still looked so serious, and now a little bit hurt.

"What if I told you that I do believe in them?" she questioned again, wincing as he laughed again.

"Are you for real Buff?" he asked, propping himself up on his elbows to face her as she leant against the wall, hugging her knees to her chest again. "You’re afraid that you can’t tell me about vampires?"

<I’m so dumb.> Buffy chastised herself, <So fucking dumb.> "See, it’s stupid."

<At least I’m not hard anymore,> Xander thanked God as Buffy was now wide awake and looking directly at him. "Not stupid," he disagreed, "Just confusing…what’s this about? Why does it matter if I believe in vampires or not?"

"Because they’re real," Buffy shot out looking him dead in the eyes. She watched as his brown orbs crinkled slightly at the sides and his face broke out in a huge smile.

"This is a pretty elaborate joke, even for you Buffy Anne," he shook his head in disbelief, "You had me thinking that something was seriously wrong…"

"They’re real and I kill them." Buffy stated brimming with determination. She would get this out come hell or high water…what ever that meant. "That’s what’s seriously wrong."

Xander stopped laughing…stopped breathing completely and tilted his head to look at her. Buffy’s clear green eyes focused dead on his, wide open and fierce confidence in her avowal brimming with-in. She believed in what she was telling him…she wasn’t joking. Xander knew Buffy, he knew her better than anybody; better that her own parents even, he reasoned…and because of this he knew that there was no way that she could keep a straight face for this long during a joke. Buffy was, right now, telling him the God’s honest truth and Xander sat up completely to face her.

Buffy followed his movements with her eyes and continued speaking, "This place…this town…it’s on a hellmouth," she said, "It’s a center of evil mystical conversance…there’s all sorts of things out there…things that everybody thinks are fake, thinks are make believe. They’re not…every one of them is real."

"There’re monsters?" Xander asked in just above a whisper his eyes darting momentarily towards his still open window at the black night sky.

Buffy nodded in response, "Everything you were afraid of was out there or in your closet or under your bed when you were a kid…they’re all real." Buffy told him. "They’re real and it’s my job to balance it out."

"Balance it out?" he repeated, refocusing on her.

"Just like there’s mystical evil, there’s a mystical good." Buffy shook her head, "And it’s me. There’s this thing…this essence that one girl in every generation gets…it makes her stronger and quicker…and I got it." Buffy focused on the opposite wall as she tried to find the words, she couldn’t remember exactly what Giles had told her about it, but she thought she had the gist of it well enough to offer a half decent explanation. "I’m the Slayer." She said finally.

Xander looked at her for a moment longer and Buffy shifted under his gaze, "You think I’m crazy, don’t you?" she asked disappointedly, "I shouldn’t’ve said anything…"

"You’re a super hero." Xander stated recalling how easily Buffy was now able to push him across the school hall way, still looking at her in disbelief, "You’re so small…" he added in wonder.

Buffy narrowed her eyes at him and his awed expression wilted, "Sorry," he squeaked out. "I don’t think you crazy," he added for her benefit, "I still don’t understand…"

"See," Buffy interjected, "It’s Giles," she said excitedly and Xander looked at her confused again, "the librarian," she added and he nodded, "He’s my Watcher…"

"I knew that guy was a sicko…"

"He watches me slay these demons…he takes notes on it and everything, tells me where the hot spots are…that kind of thing." Buffy corrected his assumptions and noted how his posture visibly relaxed.

"So he told you about all this on the first day of school?" Xander asked, "When you completely narked out on me for the first time."

"And I’ve had to train, like, everyday…and…"

"At night you what? Kill these things? That’s why you skip out on us at the Bronze. That’s why you’re always hella tired." Realization dawned on his face.

"So you believe me?" Buffy asked hopefully. "It’s not that I didn’t want to spend time with you…I always want to spend time with you…it’s just been so much…it’s been everyday, and it’s not going to stop…"

"Well now that you’ve told me, we can work together," Xander told her and she could see his mind working a mile a minute, "You’re work load’ll be cut in half…I mean, since we can’t tell Jesse or Willow, it’ll just be the two of us but…"

"It’s just me Xander," Buffy stated, forcing him to stop talking, "It’s just me."

"But what about…"

"You don’t understand," Buffy was suddenly sad again, "You don’t understand that it has to just be me…I don’t want you to get hurt…"

"You don’t think I’d risk that for you?" Xander asked seriously. "You think I’ll be able to sleep at night knowing you’re out fighting the boogieman?"

Buffy sighed, "You’re going to have to, because that’s how it’s going to be. Xander, Slayers…they work alone."

"How? These are real live monsters you’re talking about…how do you even kill them?"

"Vampires are a stake thought the heart, holy water, sunlight…anything you’ve seen in the movies basically. The rest pretty much die just like humans…stabbing, fire, breaking their necks, all that stuff…" Buffy took a breath and regained her thoughts, "But that doesn’t matter to you. I have to do this alone…"

Xander licked his lips and sighed, not quiet believing that she didn’t want his help. How could she think that he’d let her do this alone. Slayer or not this was still his best friend, still his Buffy. "I want to help you. I don’t want you out there alone…"

"It’s my destiny Xander…"

"I don’t care. If it’s your destiny then it’s mine now too."

"You don’t get it, and I’m sorry that I can’t explain it to you." Maybe this was why she was forbidden to tell people about her being the Slayer…maybe only watchers had the credentials to explain it properly.

Xander set his jaw, not accepting her refusal, "Maybe you should try again."

"There is one Slayer." Buffy matched his tone. "She fights the forces on darkness alone with only the guidance of her Watcher. Not her friends. Until the next is called."

"So when does that happen?" Xander asked, "Why call you?"

"I don’t know why call me." Buffy said angrily, "Probably because the last one died…and when I die there’ll be someone else."

Her quiet sad tone stopped his heart as much as the sentence she had just completed. It all fell into place, all she was dealing with…it all made sense to him now. "That’s not going to happen," he said in a low tone, "Tell this…Giles…tell him that you won’t do it."

"There is no telling anybody I won’t do it. I just do until…" she trailed off, not liking how that sentence had to end.

"No." Xander was standing suddenly. He was looking down at her on the bed as she focused on the wall to his right and she looked so vulnerable to him…even smaller than usual. He had never wanted to protect her more than he did right now. "I’m not going to let that happen Buffy, I promise you."

"You can’t stop it," she whispered, "That’s how it ends. That’s the only way it’ll end." She sighed and turned to face him, trying to force a smile, but it broke immediately and she started to cry again. Only this time she was enfolded into Xander’s arms as he climbed back onto the bed and pulled her to his chest; giving just what she had come to him for. He rocked her back and forth slightly as he rested in his shins in front of her, "I’ll stop it," he swore into her hair over and over again, "I’ll stop it."

Buffy sniffled, but did not pull away from him. "I’ve got to go clear out this nest tonight…I was training all afternoon…I skipped some classes to stake out the house," her voice was muffled by his shoulder. "Snyder must’ve noticed and called my house, that’s why Dad grounded me."

Xander wanted to tell her to tell her parents what she had just told him, but then quickly realized that that could, potentially do more harm than good, and decided against it. He didn’t know what to say to her. He had no idea what it must be like for her to be forced to go out night after night and have all the odds for her coming home stacked against her. Well, now he did. Now he was dealing with the same thing twice over. "Where is this house?"

"I’m not going to tell you," Buffy heard him sigh against her; "You might try to pull your infamous Superman routine. I know you too well Xander."

"Please tell me where it is," Xander asked again, "I just want to know where you’re going…call it for my own piece of mind. I promise I won’t go after you."

He felt Buffy pushing him lightly as he held her and let his body lean back, soon finding himself reclined in their previous snuggled positions. "Just hold me some more," she asked in a small voice, "Until I have to leave."

"Only if you tell me," he refused to wrap his arm around her.

"Promise you’ll stay in Xander."

"I’ll stay in. I just don’t want to spend the whole night wondering where you’re at…"

"1345 Newberry." Buffy told him as she reached behind her and grabbed his right arm, pulling it around her waist.

Xander smiled as she rested against him. He knew exactly where that place was…he could get there just to make sure that she was safe. There was no way she’d do this alone…have to face death alone. "So no Bronze tonight?" he joked silently and pulled her a little closer, silently saying that he had no intention of letting her go.

"No Bronze," Buffy yawned and adjusted her head against his neck. "Just us. For a little while, just us."

<Just us,> Xander agreed to himself silently thanking his parents for not checking on him. This little scene would definitely draw more suspicions about his relationship with his best friend…hell; he was already confused at all of this. Xander shut his eyes and listened to Buffy’s breathing become more even. He wondered what time she had to leave to go to this house, not that he would ever wake her to go kill demons. He let his mind drift and fell into a sound sleep for the first time in weeks.

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