Title: Still
Author: Annalore
Summary: Buffy's not as unaffected by everything that's happened as she might seem.
Spoilers: All of Season 6
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I know I don’t own them, but my mommy always told me it’s nice to share…
Feedback: Oh, pretty please, would you? And read and review anything else I’ve ever written, too?
Distribution: Ask, and you shall (probably) receive.



Some days it’s still hard. I wake up, and the first thing I remember is not how much I want to live, but what if felt like, when I was dead. I cry silently, my face in my blankets to muffle the sound. A few minutes later, my alarm goes off, and I get up and go into the bathroom, wash the tears away, and carefully conceal them with makeup. I walk out happy, well-adjusted Buffy, and nobody knows the difference.

Some days it’s still hard. I’m on patrol and there’s a moment of breathless anticipation where I think, maybe, I’ll see Angel tonight. But then I remember he’s been gone for years, and the pain of losing him… I guess it’s true what they say – you can get over anything. I know I don’t love him like that anymore, and I never will. I’m too old for that type of love, with any person.

But it’s still hard. Every so often I pick up the phone, and my fingers start to dial Riley’s number. I’ve gotten over him, mostly, but I miss the closeness we once had. I miss the feeling of being in a relationship, of caring for someone and having them care for me in return. I almost wish…

But no. It’s still too hard. I see Spike, and I don’t know what to feel. He loves me with a blind intensity that’s more than anything I’ve ever felt. And God help me, I love him too. But it’s not what he wants from me. It’s not passionate and all consuming. But if I ever let it, it could be deep and abiding. I could care for him… But there’s too much of a past. I hurt him, he hurt me. I hurt him whatever I do, though. Because he loves me more than I am able to love. That’s what it all comes down to. Not that my friends hate him, not that they’ll never understand me and Spike.

It’ll always be hard. Not being able to turn to someone. Knowing that once, only once, I could, and that for a brief second in my life, I was understood. By Spike. I know I could be again, if I only let him in. I could have that blissful absolution, the blind eye of a nonjudgemental person. I could have it, but yet I can’t.

Because it’s still the easiest thing in the world. I am Buffy Summers, and I am the Slayer, and I have never been a victim. People will try to tell me Spike victimized me, but I know that isn’t true. I know I almost let him, and I know why I almost let him. It was a horrible moment, when I first truly realized I loved him. I wanted to trust him so badly, and he failed my test. Now there can be no other chance.

END

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