Title: Because

Author: Anna

E-Mail: mostunstableone@aol.com

Rating: PG-13

Website: http://devoted.to/spark

Feedback: I love it like Spike loves Buffy

Disclaimer: I don’t own BtVS… but I’m pretty sure you knew that already

Note: takes place after ‘Bring On The Night’ and is in first person, although the person varies by chapter

*****Chapter One: Dawn*****

I remember feeling utter shock when I saw him in the living room that night. It was the kind of shock you feel when something you thought was impossible happens. Nothing short of the sight of my mother could have shaken me more… and believe me, I would know. After the surprise faded, I noticed his clothes. He was wearing blue. He owned something blue? Well, there was that blue button down shirt… but without the black leather duster he looked so different. He looked… gentler? Maybe even innocent. I’m not sure. The duster was such a big part of him that when you picture him in your mind he’s wearing it. No doubt about it.

But the shock that registered on my face and Xander’s didn’t register on Buffy’s. She wasn’t surprised? Was she expecting this? Yes and no. She had seen Spike before that night, and she hadn’t told me.

That hurt. That hurt a lot. How could she not tell me? Oh yea… she’s Buffy. End of story. Something emotional happens and she shuts down. Before I knew it, Spike was back in the group, about to go patrol with Buffy. Was she blind? This was the monster than almost raped her not four months ago! I had to do something.

So I threatened him. But not an empty threat. I fully intended on keeping my word under the circumstances. Vampires sleep, right? I could take Spike in his sleep. I could defend Buffy. I could.

Then I found out about his mental condition. Crazy? Yup. He was "flat-out-bug-shaggin’-crazy." I almost felt bad for him. Almost, being the key word. I was still mad. I was still vengeful. I was still hurt. When he did what he did, he didn’t only hurt Buffy. He hurt me as well. I don’t think anyone realizes that. He left Buffy, and he left me.

But I soon found out he had a damned good reason for leaving. He left to get his soul. My hate and anger faded when I imagined the trials he must have endured… the pain he faced… for Buffy. For me.

Maybe it wasn’t intended for me, but then again maybe it was. Again, I don’t think anyone sees this whole thing from my perspective. Spike wanted to be good enough to be accepted, trusted… and loved. He already had all those things from me. But from Buffy? No one knows for sure except her.

What do I think? I think he had two out of three from her. I do think she trusted him. No, I know she trusted him. She put her life in his hands when they fought, when they patrolled, and when they were together… intimately. What better way to ‘off’ the slayer than when she was getting off? It’d be nothing if not ironic.

But Spike never tried to kill her… at least not after he fell in love with her. He hit her, yes. But that’s just how they were. They punched and kicked but it wasn’t anything they couldn’t take. It’s like when Buffy and me fight, we yell and scream. When Spike and Buffy fight, they really fight. And they fight a lot. It’s just in their nature.

So I know that Buffy trusted Spike… and I’m pretty sure she loved him.

It wasn’t the "lets-get-married-and-have-2.5-kids" love. And it wasn’t the "I-need-to-spend-every-waking-hour-with-you" love. And it wasn’t "romantic-candles-and-flowers" love. But there was love.

After the hurt of Angel and Riley, I think Buffy doesn’t want to love. She doesn’t want to open herself because she sees it as an invitation for pain. Poofters. (Oh God, Spike has corrupted my speech)

Angel and Riley messed her up bad, and she needs to get passed them. Until then, she won’t get that "happy-romantic-want-to-be-with-you-forever" love that she deserves. So, she loved Spike, but the love she had for him wasn’t enough because she couldn’t accept her love for him. Just call her ‘Cleopatra: Queen of Denial’ because it was so incredibly obvious. Or at least to me, anyway.

So she says she ‘feels’ for Spike. That’s a step in the right direction, right? At least she’s telling me things now. At least she opens up some of the time. At least I’m not completely in the dark.

But I have hope for the two of them. Maybe I’m insane, but I have insane hope. I think they’ll end up together and I’ll finally have a family again. I can see it all now… She’ll rescue him from the First, tend to his wounds, and then she’ll hold him as he falls asleep. She’ll whisper ‘I love you, Spike’ when she thinks he can’t hear her… but he will. Why do I have such strong faith in them?

Because she trusts him.

*****Chapter Two: Spike*****

I wasn’t expecting this. I wasn’t expecting any of this. I should be dust right now. I shouldn’t be here, watching the vision of Drusilla dance about while I get slapped around by the ugliest vampire I’ve ever seen. My ashes should be scattered in the wind by now. But they’re not.

Why aren’t they? I ask myself that question almost constantly. I also ask myself what I’ve accomplished by all this. What have I accomplished with my soul?

I’ve accomplished killing half of Sunnydale.

Five years ago that would be something to celebrate. But not now. Now it’s complicated. Now I’m not quite a white hat, but not a black hat either. I’m like a light shade of gray.

And I’m whipped. Don’t forget that. I am completely and utterly whipped by one Buffy Anne Summers. But do you know what the worst part is? I don’t care. I’m happy this way. I’m happy being in love with the slayer.

Five years ago that would be something to kill myself for. But not now. Now it’s complicated. Hah. Now I’m chipped and whipped.

I almost laugh out loud, but the fist of the ugly vampire above me brings me back to reality. Damn. This thing is gonna kill me. Bloody perfect timing, too.

When I woke up chained in the basement, the last think I thought I’d feel were Buffy’s soft hands wiping the blood off my face. That was the nicest wake up call I’ve had in a long time.

And she didn’t seem angry, either. She seemed… sympathetic? Compassionate, even. I was afraid I had hurt someone but she put my fears to rest. I had taken a good chunk out of what’s-his-name. I could live with that.

I looked over the chains, sizing them up for strength and endurance. If I wanted to, could I break free of them? There was no telling what I could do if I was triggered again. Did she know that? I don’t think she did. So I told her.

She didn’t know that my vampire antics rivaled that of Angelus’ in his pre-soul days. She didn’t know how many ‘play things’ I had made out of my victims for both Drusilla and myself. And she had no idea how happy I was while I did it. It sickened me, but I didn’t trust myself. If I got loose, someone was gonna die.

She had to kill me. I decided that the chains wouldn’t stop me and I didn’t want to take the risk of getting free. I couldn’t take the risk of getting free.

I told her to kill me, but I knew she wouldn’t. She’s been threatening to stake me for six years and when the time comes that she really should, she doesn’t.

There’s nothing keeping me here. No life. No hope. No love. I’m an outcast. Always have been and always will be. But at least I used to have her and Dawn to hold onto. They were my lifelines. Now I don’t even have them.

So I decided to sacrifice myself to save them. It’s not as heroic as it sounds. I was probably more afraid of myself than they were.

I tried pissing her off, like I used to love doing. Maybe if I got her angry enough, she’d stake me just to shut me up. But I soon found out it had the opposite reaction than what I’d hoped for. She told me exactly what she thought of me.

But what she thought of me was considerably better than what I thought of myself. She knew I had changed. She knew I was trying. She knew I was a good… man? I had a flashback to 1880… "Cecily, I know I’m a bad poet, but I’m a good man."

I muttered under my breath and was rewarded with another swift punch from His Ugliness.

So, why aren’t my ashes scattered around some graveyard? Why aren’t I giving in to this illusion of Drusilla? Why am I here? I know the answer, and the answer is quite simple.

Because she believes in me.

*****Chapter Three: Buffy*****

It’s painful, you know. It’s all so painful. The scratches on my face, the bruises on my limbs, the twinge in my back… but it’s nothing compared to the emotional torture I’m feeling right now.

My big speech had worn me out and I retired back to my room, curling up in a ball in the soft comfort of my bed. It’s times like these that I long to be comforted by someone… anyone. But I always build a wall around myself, never letting that desperately needed comfort in. Why do I do that? I think it’s a slayer thing. Or it could just be me… maybe it’s just the normal part of me that is so screwed up.

I hear the front door open and close, and then the soft pattering of feet on the stairs and the soft closing of doors down the hall. I strain my ears for another sound, but all is finally quiet on the home front. That’s when I break down.

The tears come freely as I bury my face into my pillow. I sob and hiccup and try to breath deeply to calm myself, but I know the tears won’t stop anytime soon. I scold myself for the breakdown, saying that I should be stronger than this. There I go again, trying to be strong when I don’t have to be.

As my breathing slows my thoughts drift to Spike, wondering if he’s even still alive. What kind of torture is he enduring? I sigh. The same kind of torture he’s been enduring since he came back… and I didn’t help him. I reprimand myself again for not taking action sooner. Maybe if I had, he’d still be here… still be with me…

I imagine Spike’s soft touch as I close my eyes and picture him wrapping his arms around me. He whispers words of reassurance, telling me I don’t have to be tough for him. I start to cry again and I crave his embrace. If only I had saved him…

When I chained him up in the basement I had no intention of pouring out my heart to him. I told everyone I was just going down to check on him, to make sure there was no major damage, and to see if he knew anything about what was happening to himself… but I lied to them. I was worried about him. I was so worried that I might be forced to stake him or that he wouldn’t be able to come back from all this. As soon as he started talking I knew what he wanted me to do. He wanted me to kill him to ensure all of our safety. God, I could never do that…

His words were harsh, and I suddenly realized that he doesn’t understand that he is good. I’ve been telling him he’s evil for so long that I guess he finally started to believe me.

Me and my big mouth. I had to fix that. I took a step closer to see his face better in the dim light of my basement, and I saw all the pain and fear he held in his eyes. Then I started to rant. I’m not sure exactly what I said. I remember the feelings behind it, but not the exact words. It’s hard to remember what comes straight from your heart.

Oh! But I do remember the last part of my speech…

"You might not see it. But I do. I do." I can clearly remember the look on his face as I say this. That image is priceless. "I believe in you, Spike."

But my words of faith have once again come too late because suddenly the power goes out and the Bringers attack us. If I had known they were coming for Spike, I would have stayed in the basement. But how could I know?

The First has him and I was crushed when I realized I might never see him again. There was so much good he was still supposed to do. For the world… for himself… for me. And there was still so much more I could do for him.

That’s when I made the oath that I would get him back. I owed him that much. If I am able to save him…no. When I save him… I will say all the things to him that I never got to say. I will be true to myself and for once I will allow myself to simply get lost in his sapphire eyes… I will put everyone else’s opinions out of my mind and lead my life the way I want to… because for once I’m going to try.

So, why am I so sure I can change? Why am I so adamant? Why is it going to work out this time?

Because I love him.

END

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