WARNING: INTENTIONAL BADFIC LOOMING AHEAD
Title: The Big Gay Cheese Day
Author: Dirne
E-mail: wilco_85@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: I don't own the shows Buffy or Faith, unless the rumours are true, and Joss Whedon really *is* a seventeen year old girl. Also, I don't know anything about presidents, so yeah, if I've fieked up the time line, sorry.
Rating: MA 15+ (PG-13), in case I swear or do some violence.
Summary: Obviously there's a big block of cheese that is in love with the same sex of cheese.
Not really. But it's kinda hard to describe the plot. Just know that there is mucho same sex hijinks. If that's not your cup of tea, don't read it, and thus avoid being offended. Easy, isn't it?
Challenge: "Big Block Of Cheese Day" (Thedge Featured Challenge #5)
Spoilers: Lets just say all seasons up to the Spuffy Horror Naked Show that was on TV in 2002. Um.. Also, I don't know much about the show Angel, so let's just pretend that nothing bad happened and everyone there's still friends, or at the very least, not actively trying to kill each other.
Distribution: *scoffs* If you want it, take it, but if you let me know I can do a tiny victory dance.
Feedback: Well yeah. I'm not going to be sarcastic for once, cause that could mean no feedback.
Authors Notes: This is an intentional badfic, meaning that any obvious bad spelling, characterization, and whacky hijinks which could never possible happen are done intentionally in a pathetic attempt to make you laugh. As per usual, one of the main pairings is Fuffy. Alas, I've had to give up the Sponathan for this one. Not that I like it as a pairing, it's more that I like to say Sponathan.
If anyone recognises my references to Jinks and Tripod will forever have my love.

DEDICATIONS: To everyone who I've stolen something from – EJ, Shades, Aleks, Tripod, the brilliant on-line comic Jinks... Whoever made that picture of GWB and Tony Blair snuggling, I love you, the Androids for making a song called "I’d rather do it with Madonna" , everyone I owe an e-mail, or who I told I was updating my site a few months ago, I'm sorry, and I'll send you a picture of my boosies. In a not way.

* * * * * * * *

It was 2022, the year of the robots. Or at the very least, it was 2010, seven years after the president of the United States of the time, George Bush, and the prime minister of Britain of the time, Tony Blair, finally admitted their undying love for each other, much to no-one's shock, but meaning that both had been dismissed, as the general public was all bitter and angry about the two trying to start wars so that they could have more snuggle time.

The new President, Andrew Jackson had declared a new public holiday several years ago which was currently was known by most people as 'The Big Gay Block of Cheese Day' because it had been the day when George and Tony had married in front of the really big two tonne block of cheese that had been carved into the shape of teh President playing a guitar and a bunch of peopel hugging as they listened in a circle.

President Jackson's administration had tried to rename it 'Accessibility Day' despite the fact that it's a well known fact that if you eat too much cheese you become really constipated, and not able to access the function of your lower body.

* * * * * * * *

Huffy put her ear to her hand piece. "Affirmative, sir, large block of che... erm... Accessibility Day Material has been placed in the Really Big Cold Room". Buffy had been a member of the secret service ever since she and the other scuubiez had closed the Hell mouth in a way that no one really understood. Even though seconds before, she had been thinking about cheese, and how shiny the doorhandles were in the White House, her mind drifted back to the most memorable Cheese day of them all... and, um, the stuff that happened before that day.

Buffy had been fighting something really quite big, and mean looking. It had long ivory dark talons, translucent metallic opaque wings, and the head of a giant squid combined with an aardvark and a llama, and yet strangely enough had the lower body and upper arms of a human being. The other people with Buffy, also known as Zanier, Willow, Tara and Gills were trying to look useful, (though many would tell you that Giles had moved back to England a while ago, and Tara was long dead) prepared a spell to kill it, or at the very least, provide some spiffy special effects to later on distract Buffy from thinking about sexin stoopid Spike again. Alliteration is neat.

The Snaardvark-Gamblor-Badong Demon was shouting things at Buffy like "Your mother is dead@!" and "I will drink your bones for breakfast!" both of which just made Buffy even angrier than she already was, which wasn't all that angry at all when she thought about the fact that both she and the demon were really only doing their jobs.

Giles began to chant the spell, while Tara and Willow discussed nail length, and the benefits of keeping them just long enough. Xander pretended he was tying his shoelaces so people didn't notice that he didn't really know what to do.

Aphrodite arrived on scene, her mighty Spork of Justice in hand, riding a horse naked.

"YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME, YOU WHORE HEADED BUTTFORK!!!!!!!!!1~!" Giles suddenly shouted, causing the Snaardvark-Gamblor-Badong Demon to do a back flip while no-one was looking, over the edge of Sunnydale Dam which hadn't been there before, and dying in the swirling waters below, despite the fact that he was supposed to kill Buffy dead, at least until Willow could find the time to bring her back.

Confused, Aphrodite grabbed Giles and slung him over her shoulder, to the sounds of a classy porn slap-bass soundtrack.

"I'll bet she's gonna Aphro his dite!" Xander said, suggestively waggling his eyebrow, which had been fused together in a horrible incident at the mill a few weeks back.

Unfortunately for him, no-one was paying attention.

Willow sneezed, and without warning, a brilliant white light began to shine through the wooden chest she often carried around to hide the spell stuff, despite the fact that the huge size of the chest only made it all the more obvious that she was trying to be inconspicuous.

This light, according to many, was the first sign from the Powers That Be that the end of the Hellmouth's domination over Sunnydale was about to end.

Others, however, believed that it had something more to do with to do with the cartoonishly oversized switch that Willow accidentally turned on when she sneezed that controlled the giant light bulb in the middle of the chest.

Either way, the Hellmouth closed, and everyone who wasn't currently relying upon the Hellmouth as the key part of an evil plan to rule the world by bringing Hell on Earth again was happy like flowers.

* * * * * * * * *

"I lover you, my little jelly doughnut! Please return to me, mah sexxxy lady, or I will forever be sad, much like someone who cannot be with the one they love.."

".... Xander, is there something you want to talk about with me? Because if you're wanting to get back together with me, we can do that I guess, cause I kind of miss making out with you in supply closets and having you cheat on me with nerd girls named Willow.." Cordelia grinned cheerfully.

"Wow, you really miss being with me?" Xander looked worried.

"Nah, don't be stupid, you just know we're all gay here, especially Giles. I swear that Aphrodite's a man" Cordelia trailed off, looking mightily disturbed.

"Well, it is true that I've had a hankerin' for Spike's man meat for a while.. But I think we should pretend to be together to get the people we want jealous.. I mean, with the chemistry that was us, how can we possibly fail?"

"Well... Our chemistry was better than Buffy and Riley's, but I don't think that it's any reason to get together again, when you consider the fact that Riley had the personality of a 12 hour tape of static, and that Buffy's really in love with Faith, even though it'll take something major, such as being trapped on a deserted island for several weeks for her to realise that... Besides, can't you see Spike over there engaging in subtext with you?" Cordelia asked, gesturing towards Spike, who was drawing a picture of two stick figures doing things that were the cause of many a disclaimer on the window, despite the fact he could easily have walked inside and said them aloud to Xander.

"Plus, I don't think Kate would be into that, by the looks of things" Xander replied, pointing at Kate who was standing next to Spike and pointing first at Xander, then at her gun, and then holding up a sign which read 'Touch my biach and I kill you, sucka!'

* * * * * * * * *

"I knew you'd be back" Buffy announced, looking smug.

"Well yeah, B, people do tend to come back after going to the bathroom" Faith smirked at her and there was an almost audible hiss as part of Buffy's giant ego deflated.

"I meant I knew you'd be back to Sunnydale. You poor supervillans jut can't resist me!"

"Uh, I think you mean they can't resist the Hellmouth, not you. And now that it's closed, you probably wont get any more dates... No offence. I'm sure that somewhere, somehow, someone finds you attractive" Faith smiled patronizingly, and petted Buffy on the head, knowing after all of these years that it was the perfect way to infuriate her.

"Oh, like you didn't want me... Oh wait, you still do! How sad for you Faith, it's too bad I'm not at all interested, huh? Maybe I could buy you a blonde blow up doll for Christmas? Would that make you feel better?"

"Aaaw, poor little Buffy's projecting her own desires onto me, yet again. You know, a group of my friends did a study on short people with fake blonde hair when I was in high school, and the results were that seventy percent of them had crushes on me... Looks like you're still completely average B"

In the middle of Faith saying this, Buffy decided that it'd be smart to launch herself across her living room, growling. Faith, smirked at her fellow slayer and tried not to laugh too much when she sidestepped the petite blonde, who was really quite short, and as a result, Buffy fell headfirst into the couch.

So much for Slayer coordination.

"You're such a dumbass B… And incredibly small. I mean, you're a tiny, tiny thing. "

* * * * * * * * *

Without really knowing why, the entire group, Giles excluded, because he was in Ancient Greece with Aphrodite, met at the majick shop, with all of them carrying pamphlets entitled 'So the majority of your friends are gay, with the exception of your father figure, who's dating a Greek goddess of love'

Dawn cleared her pancreas nervously. "Sooo… I know you're not going to like this, but I have a confession to make…"

"What is it, O beloved sister of mine whom I wouldst never ignoreth for more than an hour?" Bluffy shouted.

"I am in lover with Darla. She is the other half of me, and one day we hope to frolic in the sun with our three blonde semi-musical children, Zachary, Taylor, and Issac.!"

"Wow, that's weird, cause I kinda couldn't help but think that Darla is a pile of ash, you stupid git!" Spike shouted.

Dawn hurriedly covered up the handles of the urn that no-one had really noticed until then, and hissed at him.

"You take that back this instant Spike! That's my sister's lover you are speaking about! Also, not that it's important, but I am in love with Faith, but wont find out until some kind of whacky plot twist makes me realise! Now, can you please pass the cheese platter that Anya so lovingly prepared?!" Buffy shouted, throwing her pamphlets on Sapphic love at him.

"Fine! I'm sorry Dawn. And not that it's really important but Xander and I are in love again, and plan on going on a holiday on a plane to some kind of cold place which will no doubt crash over a beautiful and yet desterted island… Anyone interested in attending?"

"ME!" shouted everyone but Buffy, who was eating cheese.

* * * * * * * * *

Faith was packing her things for their trip to Greece to annoy Giles, and make suggestive comments about his sex life, only to have Buffy shout "Okay, over share G-Man!" when he actually answered back.

* * * * * * * * *

Buffy was packing her things, for the trip to Greece, and even though she knew it was winter over there, she decided to pack some skimpy swimwear.

* * * * * * * * *

"Oh, Xander, you are so pretty and popular, and funny!"

* * * * * * * * *

They met up at Sunnydale Airport all wrapped up in cliches.

Xander, for some unknown reason had developed a lisp, and his hands were almost at the princess level of movement. Faith and Spike were both taking a long drag on what may or may not have been a tobacco product and they were both looking like members of Leather Pride, and this may have had something to do with the giant banner the two of them were carrying as they blew kisses to people waiting for their planes to arrive.

Buffy had bad hair, and was wearing a lot of pastels. Dawn was whining, and her upper lip was covered in what appeared to be a fine coating of ash. Cordelia was being called Cordy by everyone, and was wearing expensive clothes. Kate was wearing a suit, and would randomly open her coat to reveal her gun to Cordelia, who would flutter her eyelashes, and lightly slap Kate on the shoulder while giggling.

Willow and Tara were blushing furiously as they loudly talked about the pros and cons of naked Tuesdays. Anya had to remind Willow that Tara was really dead, and then Willow and Anya jumped on the back of Buffy's huge suitcases, and had sex.

A lot.

Angel and Andrew were making eyes at each other, despite the fact that they were in no way suited to be together, and had nothing in common apart from the fact that both their names started with the letters A and N.

"My favourite characters were the Storm Troopers, cause I think they represent how George Lucas felt at the time - like he had to hide behind white plastic body armour… yanno?" Andrew gushed.

"I ate a Stormtrooper once." Angel muttered absent-mindedly.

Okay, so they both liked Star Wars… But it was in two very different ways.

Then Andrew shoved him into a plastic plant.

"Not in a naked way! There's only you, Spi… Um Andrew…"

* * * * * * * * *

"Um.. B… Not meaning to be rude or nothin, but have you ever noticed how freakishly broad Angel's shoulders are? It's like he's got an ironing board shoved in those jackets he's so fond of wearing…"

"Not now Faith! I'm watching Smashgy Goes To Paris! Because there is a hot guy in it. I like men. I'M NOT GAY! WHO SAID I AM!?!?!?!?!?"

* * * * * * * * *

They were on a plane. It had wings, a lot of people, and a pilot or two.

"I AM JONATHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1" Shouted Johnathan.

Angle threw him out of the plane, and everyone was happy.

Because Blurry wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, nor even the sharpest, she didn't notice the fact that Faith and everyone else in the plane had been naked for the past half-hour.

Even Darla's urn had its bra on the ground.

"What on Earth are you doing Faith?! I mean, you're naked. And next to me, and I gotta say, I DON'T LIK GIRLS!~!" Buffy didn't like girls, especially not Faith shaped ones so much that she hadn't noticed that anyone else was naked, especially Angel, who was supposed to be the love of her life. Buffy's eyes looked Faith up and down, and continued to do so until the next bit of action involving her occurred.

Faith, on the other hand, despite having a complete lack of knowledge as to why everyone but Buffy was naked, was completely relaxed, and was discussing the fun of pouting to get people to do whatever you want.

"Actually, the one thing I fear the most, above all other things are lesbians, because I figure they're the only ones who can resist my charms" Spike said thoughtfully.

"Umm... Spike... Need I point out that every girl you know is gay, or at the very least bisexual?" Willow needed to point it out.

"Hello, straight here! I've never liked a girl in that way!" Buffy cried indignantly.

Willow's eyes nearly popped out of her head as she tried not to laugh at Huffy's claims.

Kate, Cordelia, Angel, Andrew, Anya, and the rest of business class weren't as kind.

"HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!!!!!!!!111111" They all said at the same time, some falling out of their chairs at the thought.

Faith, however, decided to come up with a plan. An evil plan. A devious plan.

A plan involving evil. And deviousness.

But then a voice came over the loudspeaker, and Faith didn't have a very good memory, so she forgot to think of a plan.

"Attention plane pig-humans, we are going to have a bit of a cruise around some deserted and uncharted islands because we're bored, okaaaay? Oh, and also, we've been told that there's a hurricane ahead in that area, and we wanna check it out"

* * * * * * * * *

"Oh god! We're going down! WE IZ GONNA DIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!" The pilot screamed.

Unfortunately for him, he was right, as approximately sixty-five percent of pilots in fic plane crashes die on impact.

The other thirty five percent generally die in an overly dramatic manner half a day after impact.

* * * * * * * * *

Luckily for everyone who weren't either main characters, or the pilots, there were just enough lifeboasts for everyone but the people that I mentioned before.

Despite the fact that a lot of them had supernatural strength, the landing (which, if you ignore the crumpled pilot's cabin) went quite smoothly, but everyone was knocked out.

Buffy, because she was the one with the thickest skull, woke up first. Yay!

Then she dragged everyone else out, but about halfway through, Faith woke up too, and helped her. It was neat.

* * SEVERAL WEEKS LATER, SO AS TO AVOID HAVING TO EXPLAIN STUFF * *

Faith sobbed in the corner of the cave that no one knew about but her, which was pretty lucky, cause she liked to be alone when thinking about redemption.

For once, Buffy had asked her where she was going, and Faith had to explain to her why she often disappeared…

"Well B, I'm going to go look for myself.. If you should see me while I'm gone, and it's not too much trouble, could you ask me to wait here 'till I get back?"

Buffy had nodded understandingly, and Dawn had looked confused.

But then, since Darla had been lost in that horrible Urn accident at the mill, and Angel had turnied into ash when he stupidly stepped into the path off the ash-maker 3000 (aka the sun) several weeks ago, she and Andrew had only been speaking Klingon to each other, and were in the process of making lifelike statues of their loved lost ones out of sticks and fish guts. Oh, and Spike died too, but that was an accident, because he ran into a tree on a dare from Faith, who 'kinda forgot about the whole vampire thing'

Since Faith seemed to have disappeared, and Dawn was eyeing off her sister in a disturbing (but completely platonic) manner, Buffy decided to go and stalk.. erm.. find out what Faith was doing. Just in case she was evil. Or naked. Either was good.

* * * * * * * * *

"So this is where you've been hiding Faith"

"B… What are you doing here? I don't wanna fight you B. C'mon B, just leave me alone. Please B? I'll be Five plus Five, believe me B, I don't need you babysitting me"

"But Faith.. you do recognise the amount of power given to you by the powers that be, right? And what are you going to use those powers for, huh? For good, or for awesome? Tell, me, cause I need to know, because I think I may be in love with you, and I need to know if you're going to be on my side. Also, I want to do you like it's 1969, if you know what I mean…"

"What, in the back of a Kombi?"

"Yes. BUT I'M NOT GAY! WHO SAYS I AM?!?!?!?!?!?"

"Yeah right B, and the capital of Rome's not Italy. Pfft, tell me another one!"

"Damn your world knowledge Faith! Damn it to some place bad!"~

* * * * * * * * *

When they got back to the makeshift town they had made, they saw everyone crowded around something. Upon closer inspection, it was revealed to be a television with a built in VCR.

"Isn't it groovy!" Willow cried, throwing her arms around Anya lovingly. "Anya bought it back for us from Hell! Don't I have the dreamiest girlfriend?"

Faith frowned. "Waait.. if your girl there can get to and from places, why hasn't she gone and oh, say, GOTTEN US SOME HELP?!"

Anya marched up to Faith.

Well, okay, it was more of a walk.

"The Powers That Be wont let me! Duh, you think I wouldn't have already done it if I could?"

"Then why did they let you have the TV?"

"Oh, well, actually, this is the work of the First Evil. But there was a catch"

"An awful, horrible, torturous catch" Xander said ominously.

"One so awful and evil that I for one cannot believe that Anya had accepted the television…" Cordelia continued.

Buffy was quite pale and frightened by this stage. While hearing from Xander that something was scary was like hearing the obvious, like that poodles are the henchmen of Satan, but hearing it from Cordelia, queen of looking bored in the middle of an apocalypse was a fairly good indicator that something was wrong.

Just then, Dawn bounced on scene, obviously having forgotten Darla, holding something aloft.

"Look Buffy! Anya got us Men in Black II!!!! Aren’t you excited?!"

* * * * * * * * *

Having watched MIB2 for the past three days straight, Dawn and Andrew were horrified to wake up and discover that the tape had been stabbed multiple times with what appeared to be a giant mallet, something which is quite difficult to achieve.

Turning on the TV, however, so they could listen to the static, and reminiss, they discovered that their new TV had the politics channel for every member of the United Nations. The first evil had thought of a backup plan, and it was almost as devious as the copy of Men In Black II.

* * * * * * * * *

Buffy and Faith were back in the cave again, talking things over that should have been discussed long ago.

"I think your mother was a wonderful woman, B. If I ever have kids, I hope to be as cool as your mom. She was wicked good. And she really suited those floral dresses she was so fond of. Do you think of good ol' Joss often, B?"

"Sometimes.. Like when I feel like burning Dawn at the stake, or when I want to complain about two demon children getting murdered by putting everyone in danger at the City Hall, or when I think about throwing Dawn out of the house because she wants to help save the world from certain destruction… But apart from that, not as often any more."

They sat in silence for several minutes, thinking about What A Great Mom Joyce Was, before Buffy broke the silence.

"Faith."

"Yeah B?"

"Y'know how we have that whole Slayer connection thing, and how when you lived in Sunnydale a demon gave me telepathic powers?"

"Um.. no to the second one, but keep on with the story B"

"Well, I could kinda-read-your-mind-and-I-know-that-you're-in-love-with-me-an-I-think-I-may-be-in-love-with…" Buffy took a deep breath "You. So, I was thinking, maybe we could get married in Spring, and until then, have a lot of wild monkey sex. You up for it Faith?"

Faith merely squeaked, and accepted the hand Buffy was offering her to help her up so they could tell all their friends how gay they were about the wedding.

As they got to the entrance of the cave, however there was a rock fall that managed only to hit Faith in the noggin, and avoid hitting Buffy at all.

* * * * * * * * *

When Faith woke up, it was to Buffy holding a giant fake bouquet of tacky plastic flowers, and Dawn and Andrew, wearing fake moustaches, and monocles.

"Happy Deer Day!" Dawn shouted excitedly.

Andrew hit Dawn's head, causing her monocle to fly out in an amusing manner.

"No, stoopid, today's cheese day!"

"Oh. Really? In that case, we'd better go watch it. No offence, Miss Dairy Queen, but it's an important American festival!"

Dawn and Andrew ran off to watch the Cheese Day Ceremonies, giggling like helium junkies.

Faith squinted in confusion. "My name's Miss Dairy Queen? Were my parents on drugs?"

"Yes. Many. But your name is Faith" Anya said in a blunt manner. No one laughed.

"Gee, that sounds wonderful"

Xander chose that moment to enter wearing a tiny Nurse's outfit.

"Where'd you get that from Xan?" Buffy asked curiously. "All I could find in the crate labelled 'Medical Supplies' were these pretty flowers… And I do use the bunny ears of sarcastic hate"

"Oh, well this little number was to be found in the crate labelled 'Granny Floe's Undies', disturbingly enough"

"There aren't enough words to express how ill I feel now, Xan man" Faith said. "B, are we still getting married?"

"I thought you lost your memory?"

"I did, but then I regained it. Yay for uberfast slayer healing! I'm gonna pass out now, but when I wake up, I expect to be on a rescue plane!"

And she was.

* * * * * * * * *

Back in the White House, Buffy merrily looked at her wedding ring, inscribed with the word 'SEX! '. It had been a close decision between that and something along the lines of 'Chosen Two Forever, Buffy and Faith Kick Ass!', but that was to long, and they'd been told to bugger off when they asked the engraver to do it.

Oh, and all of the underdeveloped characters lived happily ever after, except for the ones who died soon after this publication was released.

TEHH ENID!!!!!

The challenge I was responding to was "Big Block Of Cheese Day". (Thedge Featured Challenge #5)

1) Someone watching coverage of a real "Big Block Of Cheese Day" on TV
2) Giles calling a Greek Goddess an obscene name
3) NON B/A (no pairing, other pairing)
3) A broken couple getting back together: W/O, G/O, G/J, W/T, C/D, C/X, C/W.....etc.
4) An extra from the show with a name getting a major role (PLEASE not Jonathan...)
5) Jelly Donuts
6) A copy of MIB II
7) A vase of cheap-looking fake flowers given as a gift
8) Someone in costume
9) Someone yelling "Happy Deer Day!"